Are people really as unkind and mean spirited in real life as they are on here?

[BertrandRussell]

Or do they get it out of their systems by posting on here and are truly lovely in real life?

I think people are much more abrupt on here and confident. They also play devils advocate here at times when it would be unthinkable to do so face to face.

Mumsnet has taught me that yes, people really are noticing and judging you. Sometimes i Have to come off it for a while as it makes me question what a terrible person i am, how terrible my children are and relationship is. When i am not on here and not reading opinions of the general public, im often more content.

Saying that, i do keep coming back, as it fascinates me, and i do get stuff out of it too

I think that women are under huge pressure to be accommodating and self-sacrificing in rl and they feel a bit free-er on mn to say what they really think.

Social media like Mumsnet allows people to be adversarial in a way most people wouldn't be face to face. Our society used to be softer, which is why The Weakest Link was a new concept in that the host belittled contestants.

I think they are more often than not - in the train chaos on Thursday evening not a single person gave up their seat for a very fragile looking elderly lady even though several (standing) people asked them to. And ten minutes later a station staff member had to ask three times before someone gave up their seat (for one stop, which was made clear by the staff member!) for a blind man.

I refuse to believe an entire carriage of people, most looking like business people or students under 50, were unable to stand for at least part of the maximum 1h50 journey from London. Worst was they all pretended not to hear. I was equal parts furious and upset; it does seem that general behaviour is getting more selfish and rude.

You can say that about all characteristics really.
Are people as aggressive, passive aggressive, pig headed, goady, as much of a doormat, rude, joyless or anti social as they appear on here?

I think they are.

Not generally, but I think if they try it enough here it’ll bleed into real life eventually.

People start of rotten and get worse.

Bit rich OP, I’ve seen you posting some very salty comments before!

I always feel that I'm usually in the minority on Mumsnet. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing! Take it all with a pinch of salt and yes re people deliberately playing devils advocate

I agree with you. There was one particular thread on here a day or so ago where the OP was feeling a bit down in the dumps and posters piled on and gave her a real kicking. It was spiteful, unpleasant and definitely not called for.

“Bit rich OP, I’ve seen you posting some very salty comments before!“

Possibly- but I don’t think I am ever mean spirited or unkind. I certainly try not to be!

@Tracklements - that’s the sort of thing I mean. And all the threads about doing favours and giving lifts and putting yourself out very slightly to accommodate another person and how it’s wildly unreasonable to expect a family member to be mildly helpful......

I think people post on social media for all sorts of reasons, the vast majority of which are nothing to do with wanting to present a true picture of themselves.

I have to suffer fools in real life. On here, I can choose not to.

I think you've inadvertently hit the nail on the head, another poster has pointed out you've made comments that others might feel are unpleasant but you don't feel they are mean spirited.

Ultimately there are so many different types of people on here that what is mean to one is boundaried and sensible to another.

You cant impose your view if what is appropriate on other people. What you see as mean is sensible to another and frankly I'm not sure why you feel it's ok to be the arbiter of what is ok and what isn't?

I am exactly the same in real life as I am on here, I can be unendlessly kind in some situations and what others would feel mean in others. I'm also human so I screw up and get it wrong on occasion and fully admit that.

However I do not ascribe to the idea that anyone else gets to decide what my motivation is.

The world is full of different opinions and ways of handling things , frankly if you allow yourself to be offended that is your choice no-one else's.

I actually think a lot of posts on here are a watered down version of what we really think - so many posts I've seen removed because someone has reported them but actually it's just brutal honesty - a lot of people on here write threads to validate their own opinions and don't like hearing the truth

Possibly- but I don’t think I am ever mean spirited or unkind. I certainly try not to be!

I think it is very true that something that sounds pleasantly brisk in your head can read as very abrupt without tone (not just you op). I have sometimes thought that when reading back my own comments!

And sometimes its nice to vent in a way that is not possible in real life, because it's more important to save people's feelings in the moment. (Eg yes I do mind sharing part of my train seat with someone else).

I think it depends the extent to which you see MN as an extension of RL or an anonymous sounding board.

I'm blunter online for sure.
Isn't that what people want, the honest opinions that no one will say in real life?
I dunno, you could flip the OP around.
Are people in real life as sensitive & bothered about the opinions of absolute strangers with whom you have nothing in common other than an opportunity to interact?

I know it takes me microseconds to dismiss the opinions of real life people, the moment I see the 50 things we don't have in common. Whereas online it's easy to wrongly assume you do have lots in common.

I sometimes think posters on here are more honest than they might have to be in real life, so when someone posts pretending to ask for advice but really just seeking an echo chamber of validations of their own opinion/actions, responses that don't then provide that can appear harsh.

I think posters get frustrated as well when time is taken by a lot of people to offer advice and it can seem that the OP just isn't paying any heed to any of it (because it isn't what they want to hear).

"I have to suffer fools in real life..."

Yes, that's it. Everyone has so much stored-up aggression and the anonymous internet allows it expression.

Everyone feels what they feel, believes what they believe, etc. But we don't have to inflict it all on others. Being kind is not a humiliation, or a betrayal of what one really feels; it's just being kind. Don't we all need a little kindness? Today, it seems it's all about "I have a right" - people on trains or buses not giving their seat to old or infirm people because, as a 10-yr old boy I overheard on a train once said: I have a right to sit here. With my grey hair and walking stick, I have often been the only one on a crowded bus to give up my seat to older people.

I was taught to look out for people who needed my seat more than me. It's not about "right", it's about kindness and empathy.

A last thought: no-one can see your expression when you're typing your message and they can interpret what you write as aggressive, even when you were feeling sympathetic and sensible. I once put a message on my company's website, asking for a little empathy for those who had been made to retire or take an unwilling redundancy, and found a reply saying it was interesting that I was so angry about it - how can asking for empathy for others be interpreted as angry?

I'm sure that this post will also attract denunciations...

I have to suffer fools in real life. On here, I can choose not to

I agree with this! To be part of society, have a job, socialise etc I often have to grit my teeth and keep my mouth shut, on here I don't need to. I am a bit of an arsehole though.

I’m not talking about the cut and thrust of politics or FWR. I wish I could give an example of what I mean but “I’m feeling a bit sad because it was pouring with rain and I rang my sister to ask if she could give me a lift home (she drives right past and lives next door) and she said no” will be met with a flurry of “why should she””you’re so entitled” “learn to drive” type postal

I think I am more reasonable on here because I get to have a think about what to type without sounding like an idiot, plus I am a very slow typist which is the equivalent to counting to 10 before responding.
I used to be a long time lurker, not just on here but on other forums as I was was afraid of my own opinion. Well not any more. It was eventually anger that got me posting in the end as I was defending a vulnerable poster who was being judged and attacked by a stampede of ill informed idiots.

I wish I could say people are ok in real life but they are not.

I'll do anything to help anyone who asks me in real life but I have a small circle of friends and trusted family and other than going to work live like a hermit.

I don't like the way things are going in society, people are mostly selfish, cruel and judgemental.

There are a very few really decent, kind people out there but they seem to get less and less.

I don't blame social media, it is a very useful tool for making friends and bringing together lonely people but people do have a tendency to say things on here that they would never say to someone's face.

I'm sure that this post will also attract denunciations.

Feeling lectured or patronised does tend to get people's backs up, surely you must see that?

And yes i do give up my seat on the train. Though occasionally I do wonder why people who aren't bound to rush hour timings choose to travel at that time...