Are people really as unkind and mean spirited in real life as they are on here?

[BertrandRussell]

Or do they get it out of their systems by posting on here and are truly lovely in real life?

Last week there was a thread about family courts. The venomous insults and name calling from posters claiming to be professionals in child protection, were shocking to say the least!

You mean the thread where social workers got a bit upset and defensive because people were saying they stole babies to target?

Again, eye of the beholder. That's not how I read that thread.

I do think an extra complicating factor on MN is a lot of the arguments are about parenting, an inherently emotive but quite divisive comment. I know I've said some ill-judged things on threads that upset me, but I find it hard to stay calm when someone suggests that I'm doing something to harm DS - it gets to me in a very deep way that few other criticisms could.

Bert excellent question!

I know a few MN types in RL. But where's here they are the majority in RL they are the minority.

Most people in my RL accept phones calls, answer their door, lend stuff to neighbours, do favours for people and don't automatically assume if someone's asking for advice they must be in the wrong!

Whilst I do think that one or two posters are really that cunty in real life too, I reckon most are just bullshitting here and would never stand their ground to CFers like they pretend they would here.

Pot meet kettle

Sure, there’s an occasional troll,

🤣

Tricky question Bernard. On a bad day I'd agree but then I look at the relationships board, the bereavement board, some of the health topics etc and am overwhelmed at how thoughtful and kind people are. Yesterday there was an AMA from a young woman who used to be a prostitute - it was very moving and the responses to her were impressive (as was she).
I do agree that often many people say things online that they wouldn't say to someone's face.

I think it’s mostly on the more trivial threads that it’s most noticeable. Threads about food- the way some posters talk about-say- vegan on here can’t possibly be how they talk in RL!

@SperanzaWilde - i’m sorry I didn’t respond. I was thinking of the right words and the moment passed. I’ll go back and have a look.

But also the threads where expecting normal human kindness is characterised as being needy or entitled.

Threads about food- the way some posters talk about-say- vegan on here can’t possibly be how they talk in RL!

Those threads attract either vegans or people who have a real (pathetic) bee in their bonnet about vegans, so both groups seem very overrepresented. As a vegetarian I can assure that there are people in real life who will actively seek you out to either argue with you about it or be an absolute dick about it (eg a man I had never met before once ordered veal 'because I know it'll upset your sensibilities', wtf?), but it's a small minority. MN may make those people seem more common than they are, but they aren't an artefact of MN, they are definitely real.

I think that Mumsnet makes me a less nice person. When I started posting here, my DC were little, and it was a place where I frequently found really helpful advice, not just about parenting, but about DIY, gardening, and all sorts of other things, interspersed with occasional arguments and MN scandals.

I don't know whether the site itself has changed or whether I've learned most of the stuff that Mumsnet has to teach me, but now I find myself spending my time on here on threads full of people taking sides and disagreeing with each other on issues which are very important to me. I see a lot of arguing, but not all that much listening to other viewpoints. Often I encounter people who have strong prejudices against people like me, and that makes me post a bit more aggressively on here, but also follows me back into real life, where I find myself becoming less trusting of others. And while I used to come here for advice and support, I find myself coming here as a sort of emotional provocation, because I know that I will find things which will make me react strongly.

And that's not a good thing, but I've met some wonderful people on here, and found help when I needed it in the past, so I'm not quite ready to give it up.

@BertrandRussell - I've wondered the same.

Some people here seem to love telling other posters to stop allowing grandparents to visit or see grandchildren, to not feed grandparents if they come to stay, to leave their partners if they ever have a cross word or voice an opinion that goes against the poster's own. There seems to be no tolerance of human foibles in others coupled with an assumption that one's own foibles should be fully tolerated and applauded at all times.

But I think it's because bloody AIBU dominates the boards. If you slink off to the wonderful support threads in the MH boards or the stop-drinking or start weight loss threads, you come across the warmest, kindest people who really do want to help strangers improve their lives, and offer insight and friendship.

Mumsnet seems to attract a certain crowd that loves to censor others, claim offense at everything, and live off passive aggressive thrills. 50% have an agenda and are not open to discuss things, they just lurk to make sure no one says anything they may disagree with and if they do they go full North Korea using the trademarked "goady" accusation. If someone chooses to defend against this, the censorship crew joins in with the original and they pile on the accusation until silence is granted. This is not a place for open minded people wanting an intellectual discussion. This is the place to be brainwashed in to the targeted hive mind.

Totally agree with MsMm.

Sure, there’s an occasional troll, indeed. Some scenarios are so far fetched that i can't be arsed to respond to or indulge. However these threads bring out the type of poster who shriek 'CF', 'LTB' or 'I would have told them to F off'.

I mainly hang out in Style and Beauty - I just clicked into this from the sidebar - and posters there tend to be lovely. I think where people are united by a common interest, and there are regular posters, it feels like a “community”, whether the interest is something frivolous like lipstick, or something life or death like cancer support. Where people are posting in AIBU, it feels much more anonymous.

On the flipside, I recently posted a question in the Litter Tray which has had a lot of replies from people who clearly hate cats, and has been quite an eye-opener. I genuinely don’t understand why you would hang out in a section of MN where you are actively opposed to the subject. I am not interested in cars, for example, so I wouldn’t seek out the motoring bit.

Oh yes- I had forgotten the dog and cat threads! The utter venom towards people who don’t consider their dog the single most important member of their family. Mind you- I do have a friend like that. Her dog put my child in A&E and she said “Oh, he’s not used to two legged puppies”.......

As a relative newcomer to mumsnet, I have been rather shocked by some of the comments I read, usually on AIBU, and I can only hope people don't behave in real life as their comments suggest they might.

Even on a thread titled ''devastated'' I saw some inexplicably harsh posts this morning.

I think the anonymity encourages people with a low self-esteem to put forward a view that cuts the OP down at the knees.

People have a voice on line that they wouldn't necessarily have in real life and in their desire to make a mark and be noticed, they focus on that part, being heard, noticed, provoking a reaction - rather than contributing something helpful to the situation.

Not to worry, @BertrandRussell. No need to revisit an old thread. Hope you're well.

I think that Mumsnet makes me a less nice person.

A good friend of mine (who is a very sorted and high-achieving person, who combines a high-flying career with caring for two autistic children and some other family challenges) says that reading Mn I don't think she's ever posted has a terrible effect on her MH, and she imagines that every passerby in the street is secretly judging her.

But the truth is we are all silently judging each other whether on MN or in RL? The way someone has their hair done or if they've put on a bit of weight or tutting at the way they parent their kids in public - we do it all the time and just don't realise it

Sometimes the "inexplicably harsh" comments are just a hard cold dose of reality being served up - we re all entitled to voice an opinion (so long as it's not illegal) - if posters don't want to hear they are being unreasonable/a slut/ etc then don't ask?

What gets me on MN the most is not the harsh comments but the down right demonising of men and double standards which go on

I've noticed that when someone posts a light hearted thread when they are obviously making a joke about something a family member has done or they are devastated because they've got no chocolate - that often people pile in saying what an awful person they are or 'first world problem ' when the OP is just having a bit of a joke .

I also don't get the animosity some people have to family members but perhaps their life experiences are just very different to mine.

But in real life, I don't judge people the way they judged on here. There are some people I dislike, and some who are perfectly nice people who I just don't click with, but when I see people in real life, they are complex beings with all sorts of reasons for doing what they do. And on here, people get judged on a tiny snapshot of that complexity. And I wouldn't really notice if someone put on a bit of weight, and I might not like someone's new haircut, but I would be happy for them if they liked it, and while I might disagree with someone's parenting at a particular moment in time, I'd generally assume the best of them, and that they were having a bad day/doing something that worked for that particular child/ had different cultural expectations around children etc.

But the truth is we are all silently judging each other whether on MN or in RL?

Not me, or at least to nowhere near the extent that seems to be normalised here. I'm interested in differences in other people's parenting or politics or clothes choices, and I choose my friends very carefully, but I can't say I move through the world eagle-eyed for things to judge in the behaviour of random acquaintances and passersby -- I'm too engaged in trying to keep things trundling onward in my own life/work/family/relationships.

On the other hand, I do sometimes think that a significant number of posters on Mn appear to have never had a robust disagreement about something political/ideological with anyone in their real lives, they seem to feel so attacked by someone saying civilly 'You're wrong about X -- look at the evidence' or suggesting that 'I read it on the internet somewhere' is not really a credible reason for believing something.