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Original poster

How can I put past behind me?

149 replies

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 12:35

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

OP posts:

getmeacupoftea · 02/08/2019 12:55

Ugh I feel angry for you. I know you love your husband but I think you need to leave, and build YOU back up again. Without him. You dont deserve to feel this way. Short term, go to the wedding. Look banging. If he even breathes a word to her, then you'll finally know where he stands. If he blanks her, then there's hope of you moving forward.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 13:39

What you do is stop blaming her for his actions. He had left you, he was single. She isn't a man 'stealing' whore, bitch, or whatever else you call her to make yourself feel better about what he did.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 13:53

Firstly, she didn't steal your husband. He was single, she was single. They had a consenting, adult relationship.

Secondly, he chose you. He sacrificed a relationship with his mom and his sister for you.

You go to the wedding, have a lovely time and trust him.
Chances are, she'll be respectful of the fact you're back together.
Even if she's not, I'm pretty certain your SIL would have something to say if her friend tried to make a move on her married brother on her wedding day.

You want to be with him, you love him, you say you're happier than ever.
Shit has happened but that's in the past now.
You've chosen to forgive him, you need to stop hating her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 14:06

TBH you're blaming her , not him. He was single. You really need to get some councelling.

Nesssie · 02/08/2019 14:09

She didn't steal your husband, It sounds like you technically were the 'other woman' - end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me

If you can't forgive, forget or trust then what is the point?

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:16

Wow sounds like none of you believe in monogamy and the sanctity of marriage! He may have left our home but we were still married so yes that is cheating/stealing in my eyes!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:17

Had two lots of counselling - changed nothing. I forgave him because I love him and he was having a depressive episode/ midlife crisis. She is a bitch who was supposed to be a family friend who took advantage of a very difficult and vulnerable situation with no thought for me or our son!

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:19

You're clearly still very angry. You won't get past this without some professional help.

Fine - if you were still a couple (in your eyes) he cheated. But you have no idea what he told her.
They were in a relationship for 8 months. If you saw this as cheating, why did you continue sleeping with him?

You've chosen to forgive him. Stop trying to hold her responsible and accept that this was him

ChangesAt30 · 02/08/2019 14:20

@Lconno1 it's cheating, yes if that's how you look at it (even though he'd left you). But she didn't steal him, no-one can be stolen.
You need to forget about her and either get rid of the husband who left/cheated on you, or get some marriage counselling to help.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:21

If you are married you aren’t just single the second you leave the marital home. I’m not religious but Vows mean something! He was never single!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:24

Because he was and is MY husband. He is MINE so yes she stole him and yes it was cheating. I’ve had 2 lots of ‘help’ but I nothing any counsellor has said is what I’m willing to believe or do! I need ways to get her out of my life for good, not psychoanalysis on my marriage!

OP posts:

hadthesnip2 · 02/08/2019 14:25

I assure you, your husbands cock didn't "fall into" anything. He put it there willingly. You need to get over this & move on. I'm not saying its easy or if I could, but what you cant do is go to the wedding (as you should) and cause a scene by having a cat fight with your sil's best friend.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:25

He was single. He left you. He was having sex with someone else.

You sound like a bit of a doormat, if I'm honest. And very gullible.

And you're going to be this angry for the rest of your life if you stay with this man and don't deal with your feelings about his actions.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:27

Lol at MINE you don't own him. And she'll probably never be completely out of his family's lives.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:28

OP just have it out with her.
Message her, phone her, whatever.

Tell her you need to clear the air. You're going to be seeing a lot more of each other and, unless you leave DH or she falls out with SIL, there's no way around it.

Tell her what you think and how you feel, but be prepared for some home truths.

I can almost guarantee he told her you were over, he didn't love you anymore etc etc.
She is as much a victim of his selfish behaviour as you are.

That way, you both know exactly where you stand.

She'll probably tell you it was a bit of fun and she's not even that into him.
She probably wouldn't even go back there if he begged.

I think that's the only way you're going to feel better if nothing else has helped.

TheNavigator · 02/08/2019 14:29

He is not yours, you do not own him for him to steal. He is an adult who makes his own choices. he chose to be single then string two women along. he sounds like a cheating shit. I don't see what she did wrong - he strung her along then dropped her.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:32

He’s my husband, of course I own him. What is wrong with some of you people?! Wish I’d never asked, I have a new job which will mean travelling so in a couple of months I’ll suggest relocating and make it seem like it’s for work. That way it will just be me, him and our son in a different city and we’ll be free except for infrequent visits

OP posts:

Bufferingkisses · 02/08/2019 14:32

He clearly didn't share the same view of your vows. It doesn't matter how angry you are or how you try to dress it all up in your head, she did nothing wrong, she isn't going anywhere and you are going to have to deal with that or step away from your marriage.

There are no other options for you.

Bufferingkisses · 02/08/2019 14:33

Ooh. Wow.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:34

You don’t think it’s wrong that she was a family friend and started sleeping with my husband as soon as we’d separated? Who the fuck does that to another woman let alone a friend?!

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:36

@Lconno1 if you're always this aggressive, she probably didn't see you as much of a friend in the first place...

She's a friend of HIS family. You're an add-on.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:37

I would guess that there was already something going on before you knew about it, or something had happened between them in the past.

And your husband was the one who did this. He had left you and was single. I'm assuming she was also single so wasn't shitting on a partner.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:38

I’m his wife of 12 years and mother of his child, his mother’s daughter in law and his sister’s sister in law. She is the fucking add on! Try being in my situation and not being aggressive!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:40

@gobbynorthernbird I’m not sure how many times I have to say this. If you are married you are never single! We weren’t even considering divorce. He was still my husband therefore not single!

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:40

Funny that you ignore my suggestion to confront her but jump on the idea that you're an add on.
You're not willing to deal with the real life issues and didn't come here for advice, clearly.

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