How can I put past behind me?

[Lconno1]

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

I think the only thing you can really do is not dwell on the future when you don’t know it’s outcome. Shit happens and you can’t control it. It’s horrible what has happened to you and I can only imagine how hard it must be having her in your life. She and him together caused you pain, that you are reminded of when you see her. I think you are worrying she is going to spark him to go to her again when they meet but you can’t control that. If it happens then you are worth more than a husband like him and you can move on. Best case, he doesn’t and it brings you closer and stronger as you have seen the worst won’t happen. By worrying about the future and what will and won’t happen only takes away happiness from the present. Go with the mind set, whats meant to be will be and try not to get so upset and angry at it. You have to let go.
It’s a shitty situation you are in but this can’t control your life and even more your sons life

I’m sorry you are feeling unsupported OP. It’s a horrible thing to have happened and I admire your desire to uphold your marriage vows and try to get your relationship back on track.
I just don’t think you are going to be content in your marriage until you can trust your OP. I’d love to see you feeling comfortable and confident with your DH again. I meant no offence and wish you all the best.

*trust your DH I meant!

Nobody understands. I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager. I met him not long after I’d been raped at 14. For all these years he has supported me and kept me alive when I’ve wanted out, through 2 miscarriages, an illness, the difficult pregnancy and birth of our son. He made horrendous mistakes 2 years ago, ones that made me not want to live. Let despite it being him causing the pain, he was still my best friend, he still pulled me back from the edge every time I couldn’t take it any more and made me believe one day we would be happy again. And then he eventually made everything okay. I know I should blame him and not her. I know he hurt me. But how do you hate the one person that you love, the one person that knows all there is to know about you, the one person that keeps you alive? I know I’m sad, pathetic, selfish, jealous, bitter and anything else you want to call me but I know I can’t live without him. I have to find a way through this without losing him. I know you will tell me to think of my son but if it comes to it my son would be much better off with his father and without a mother at all than he would be with the sort of mother I’d be without his dad.

Most people on here wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the ow and on other threads it’s been he should changes job etc etc if that was where the ow was found.

Move op. Forget about her, a friends older sibling is often a love interest at some point as a teenage silly crush normally nothing happens but this time it has.

Go to the wedding, look stunning. That’s the normal advice be the bigger person and look fabulous.

Your poor DH being forced to have sex with this woman knowing what a shit storm it would cause when he made his way back to you.

How he got through such a terrible ordeal I'll never know. He is truly an inspiration.

You're not sad, pathetic or selfish.

You are jealous and bitter and that's understandable.

You're in a really difficult position but you say you trust him now which is good.
You've acknowledged she's not necessarily to blame which is good.

You'll be ok OP. Just talk to him about your feelings and he can be conscious of it when she's around too to help put you at ease.

You need to find yourself again, though. You need to have time out with your friends and remember that there's life outside your relationship.
It's tough when it's all you have ever known but it's ok to be your open person too.
Who do you have to turn to when you're upset? That's why you get angry, because you're having to bottle it all up and there's no outlet.
Take up a hobby and meet new people.

Your husband should be a positive addition to your life. He shouldn't be your whole life.

Totally agree with madfrogs, go to the wedding, look your best, brim with confidence and plan your 30th for the following day or weekend? Maybe see if someone could look after your little one and you and your husband could have a date night together. Try not to be consumed with this. I would feel exactly the same if it was my husband and his fling and this is how I would approach it. Even if I felt awful and insecure inside, I would not let it show.
He chose you and you need to show her you are united and this may all blow over

OP nobody is being horrible.

You asked for advice re how to move on. People have suggested that either actually processing this, trusting your partner, letting him spend time with his family alone or leaving him as you can't accept the situation as viable options.

You being happy with none of those and wanting strangers to support you in manipulating your DH, lying about a relocation to force a more physical separation is quite frankly, unhealthy.

People will give their opinions - whether you agree or not doesn't mean that people whose opinions differ are horrible.

You can't expect you're husband's family to disown a lifelong friend due to a (albeit) shitty thing they did. Your DH was the one who had the marriage vows. You have no idea what he spun her (especially given how unwell he was). However be is the one who made you multiple promises and then broke one. What you are proposing is just as much of an insult to your marriage vows as his behaviour.

I can completely appreciate you are hurt, he tried to make amends and you can be in the same room as the woman and just be cordial should it call for it but otherwise ignore her. You both can.

If he was willing to walk away from his family for you then it shows a lot of love and effort in an attempt to fix it. Hold onto that, let go of the past and see what happens - don't preempt something shitty.

You really need to go back to therapy. Your anger at her is a deflection.
And you need not make your whole existence reliant on a man. That, as shown by your own words, is a recipe for disaster.

Ffs, you forgave your cheating dh but call the other woman nasty names? I think some growing up on your part is required. As far as she was concerned, he was no longer with you. Your dh is the one that comes out of this as a bastard and yet you are happy to forgive him.

OP we are not being horrible. You have said even two counselling attempts didn't work as you didn't like what you were told. When are you going to understand that it is YOUR thinking that is warped. You don't own anyone. You don't. Married or not. He's not YOURS. He isn't, regardless of what you want to proclaim. You've separated him from his family and now want to further isolate him by moving him away. You genuinely need to reassess yourself. If a man did this, it would rightly be called coercive abuse. You are blaming all of your issues on someone else. You need to seek help.

That's all very dramatic op. Is this really why you call this woman a whore and all the other nasty names.

You don't trust your husband it's that simple. That's why you don't want him near her, that's why you want him to move away. You're horribly jealous. Insecure and bitter.

So stop with the am dram stuff. He left you. He was in his right mind, he started a relationship with her. She did nothing wrong. You were not together at the time.

You need to seek some help as lashing out like this, and make your peace with it to be able to move forward.

I am with @Lconno1 on this. He knobbed someone as soon as he left. He was still married. The other woman knew this. She clearly has the morals of a randy alley cat.

Yes move far away and if he even so much as look at another woman, Ditch him😡

Personally I think you should leave as this seems to be eating you up. But since you want to stay married and keep your 'prize' then you need to return to counselling. Your self esteem is on the floor to the point you think your life depends on the one person who let you down. The defensive, unreasonable, wounded person you've become is down to one person and you need to believe that rather than just acknowledging it then going straight back to lashing out at the wrong people. It's been a sad read OP I hope you come to terms with this one way or another for your own wellbeing

What a lot of nasty, spiteful replies, presumably from women who are/if have been having affairs with married men. 🐕

You seem very dependent on your DH to make you happy. Only you can make you happy, others enhance this happiness. I think you should re explore counselling without DH.

I'm also shocked at how nasty the replies are on here.

The OP's DH DID NOT SPLIT UP WITH HER - he just decided to move in with his mum for an extended period of time because he was depressed, and then had a silly affair while he wasn't of sound mind.

I think what you are feeling OP is perfectly reasonable, so take absolutely no notice of posters on here telling you otherwise! Unfortunately your post has attracted a weird crowd who seem intent on making you feel even worse - I'm so sorry.

I think your idea of moving away is dramatic but may be the only thing that will work for you all, as you've been through an extraordinary time.

I wish you the best of luck

Sorry, I can't RTFT:
What you do is go to Spain with your family on holiday and trust your husband to attend his sister's wedding. Or you divorce. You are married, yes, but you do not own your husband. He is an autonomous human being. You cannot control his life like some puppeteer, orchestrating aspects of your life together to ensure he's sees as little as his family as possible. Telling lies about moving because you have to relocate for work is also a betrayal. That is coercive, controlling, manipulative behaviour on your part, no matter how justified you feel, and your husband will end up resenting you, not only for keeping him away from his loved ones but also for keeping your children away from them. You say that when you and he cut off contact with his mum and sister - until you relented because the latter had a child and you felt you had to agree to seeing them - you were happy. Both of you or just you? Most spouses would not be happy to cut off from such close relatives. He clearly did it to satisfy you, not to make himself happy.
I understand you are upset and feel betrayed but you should hold your husband responsible for what he did, not what his sister's friend did. Yes, I wouldn't behave that way, any decent woman wouldn't, but she made no vows to you...your husband did! It was he who broke his vow to be faithful to you. Why do you seem to be targeting all your anger towards her? Your husband was depressed? Plenty of men and women are and manage not to cheat...
I think you have to decide to either trust your husband moving forward or call it a day because, well, quite frankly, avoiding family, relocating to separate your husband from family, getting distressed in case he sees 'her' (he's likely to if she is a close family friend) is no way to live. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the truth.

What a lot of nasty, spiteful replies, presumably from women who are/if have been having affairs with married men. 🐕

Yes, yes, you got us, we are all having affairs with married men, otherwise we would fully accept saying you own your spouse.

Stay off the vino 🤡

Btw, OP I don't think you're any of those negative things you said about yourself, just terrified at the prospect of potentially having to cope alone. I am so sorry for the truly awful things you have been through but you can't invest everything in one person to make you happy. It's not fair on either of you.
Considering what you have been through, your husband's betrayal is all the more painful for you because he knew just how vulnerable you were/ our.
You should get some counselling alone if you haven't already. And, you are stronger than you think. If your husband left you, dropped dead etc you would have to cope and be there for your child

@VictorianWoman and @OccidentalPurist thank you so much. I was starting to think maybe I am to blame. I know I’m overly dependent on my husband and that some people see that as weak and pathetic but he’s all I have really and the only person I’ve ever trusted so for him to break that like he did broke my heart beyond belief. I’ve known nothing but him since I was 17 and already in a dark place. I think some women who haven’t found their man yet in their 30s get scared and maybe sleep around not caring about the families they are destroying. Of course my husband is ultimately to blame for being so stupid and weak minded and thoughtless. And now I’ll always have to live with those consequences forever. I’d already been through a lot so trust was a huge thing for me and I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever fully know again. But I do love him and I believe he loves me so will make it work. I just wish there was a way to not have her as a constant reminder, that’s what this post was supposed to be about. People on here judging me and blaming me calling me selfish, warped and even abusive in one post has really hurt me and I know I’ll never create a thread again!

OP I don't think you are bad person, just a very bruised one who is very scared of losing the one person they have relied on for so long and invested everything in. But, there is no getting around the fact that moving (on the false premise of relocating for work) to ensure your husband doesn't see his family and, by extension, this friend of the family, is a form of abuse, even if you can't see it. I am not saying you are a terrible person, just a desperate one who thinks everything will be fine if you can make his family/ this person go away. Honestly, it's not the answer and it's not the basis of a good marriage going forward. I think you know that deep down. I'm sorry if you think I was harsh but I think I spoke truthfully and tried to advise in your best interests.
The last thing I would want to do is hurt an already-hurt person but I do think there are some truths you have to face up to if you want to move forward and be happy. Separating your family off and living in a bubble is not the way to a happy future...for anyone.

Have you spoken to your sister in law and asked her about her friend?

Maybe the friend is horribly embarrassed at the hooking up with your husband and now can’t stand the sight of him?

Or do you know for a fact that she would love to get back with him given the chance?

@Lconno1 I totally understand where you are coming from.

Your husband went through a bad patch (breakdown or whatever) and took time away from the family home, this was not him checking out of the marriage, it was not a trial separation, just him needing space/to get healthy so was not single and should have remained faithful.

Sister's friend should have respected he was married and as a close family friend should not have embarked on an affair with him knowing his situation, it wasn't a one time thing (not that that would have been easier for you).

You say dh is better now, did he seek help/counselling for whatever his issue was?

Tbh part of me wonders if he could have being seeing her prior to his breakdown and that caused him to move out and see if the grass was greener type thing?

As you have decided to take him back and forgive him you have to find a way through this. I know you have had counselling but what about marriage counselling?

Were you close to your inlaws before this happened?

Did your SIL know that her wedding date was your bday weekend and you all (including her brother) would be away?