How can I put past behind me?

[Lconno1]

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

Didn't get past 'cock fell into'. Yeah, right.

“Women who haven’t found their man yet in their 30s”? You do know that life is about more than finding a man?

That comment aside, your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. Relying so much on another person to keep you happy and rescue you is not only unhealthy but also destined to fail. Trust me, I’ve been there. Your post is really crying out with how little self-esteem you have, and how worthless you feel as a person in your own right - you feel like your husband gives you the happiness, purpose, love and worth you don’t have within yourself, right?

Well, he doesn’t.

No other person can give you that. It has to come from within you. You have to start thinking of yourself the way you think of your husband - as some wondrous beacon of love. Respect yourself. Treat yourself like someone you’re dating. You won’t ever heal if you look to fill that hole with external validation.

The fact you kept sleeping with him while he was seeing this other woman (and yes, it was shit of her if you were a friend, but she is not solely to blame) is indicative of a serious lack of self-respect. Again, I’ve been there! I put up with some dreadful behaviour in past relationships because I thought the ultimate goal was just having them stay with me - that meant I was worth loving and had worth as a person. Well, that’s wrong. Their behaviour was not a reflection on me, but on their own flaws, and as soon as I started to believe I deserved more and better, and gave myself the love that was missing, my happiness skyrocketed.

You’re projecting all your anger on to her so you don’t have to confront those deeper issues, it seems. I would strongly suggest going back to counselling and taking on board what they say even though it will be difficult and uncomfortable, because you won’t ever stop being bitter otherwise, and the only person that’ll hurt in the long run is you.

I think your husband behaved despicably. The coming-home knife stunt was extremely manipulative.

I’m sorry your self-esteem is so low that you can’t see that you deserve better. Gentle hugs. (I’ve been there too.)

@Lconno1 please remove those blinkers and listen to what PPs have said- they don't know/hate you or have any ulterior motives- they're just pointing out the facts from information you've shared. Unfortunately, your replies come across as defensive and unnecessarily rude. They also highlight why denial is a bad thing- you'll be okay for a short period of time but then the real issue will rear its ugly head in another way and 'bang', you're back to feeling how you originally did. What you're doing atm is projecting the hate, bitterness and resentment you feel towards your H onto that woman. Your H is to blame for 50% of the act they engaged in but like you've said, you're too dependent on him to tackle that head on. That's what you should be discussing in counselling- not how much you hate the other woman. Hoping you reflect on what everyone has said and work this one out.

Ps. Moving away (in this instance; running away) is not the answer- their relationship is such that you'll be doing this for the rest of your life unless you deal with the situation once and for all.

Pps. You will be okay. Believe in yourself.

Firstly, she didn't steal your husband. He was single, she was single. They had a consenting, adult relationship

I call bullshit. He was a married man. There was no legal separation let alone a divirce. By no stretch of the imagination was he single.

Haven't rtft yet in full, but my (now)XH had a relationship with a very close family friend (god-parents to kids etc), however he left me before (I believe) anything physical started, even though she was still 'my friend', XH & her DH were very old friends.
He'd left me
7 months later, the news came they were sleeping together & subsequently in a relationship.
Until that point, I hoped we had a marriage to salvage.
XH had withdrawn himself, but she stayed as close as she could - encouraging me to cry on her shoulder.

I resent her betrayal more than my XH - friends should be there for you, not to twist the knife.

There was no legal separation let alone a divirce

He wasn't technically single. But in no planet do you need to legally seperate before you can see other people. Ending the relationship and moving out does it.

I think also we have to remember the op is very ill. She says she's off work sick with depression, which means it must be very severe. That will be impacting the things she's writing, much of which is unhealthy and illogical.

RodGallowglass by your reasoning, couples who are not married are not couples. As there is no official marriage. Makes no sense. Whether people are officially or unofficially married or single is not morally relevantunlesd you hold some religious view about such things. And in which case, you must see all unwed couples as 'living in sin'. You can't have it both ways. In this day and age, the status of someone is in their intention, not a piece of paper. He put himself out as having left his marriage and being single. Therefore as far as OW is concerned, he is single. Just as an unmarried person can put themselves out there as 'not' single. If they are in a committed relationship. He had checked out.

I think ultimately you're reacting to a betrayal. The fact that you know this woman, your husband had a fling with, is a bit of a stinger (had you not have known her).

Regardless of everything that's gone on ask yourself a serious question - have you FORGIVEN your husband? Do you still LOVE your husband?

Have you forgiven him leaving the marriage in the first place? Have you forgiven him for betraying you?

True forgiveness and love doesn't keep a record of wrongs. Forgiveness means accepting all his wrong doings and loving him enough to trust him again.

You can't keep hoarding all these feelings of hatred - it's not your husband (or this other woman) that are suffering, only you sadly.

True Forgiveness really does set one free. You'll also have to accept that this other woman will show up from time to time at family events. But again forgiveness allows her not to be a threat to you.

If you can't forgive right now you have two options; seek counselling for the both of you or simply leave the marriage.

It's not paramount you stay in this marriage. Adultery is good enough reason to leave if you feel it's not worth salvaging.

Best of luck.

OP people aren't being horrible they're just answering your question. But you didn't get the answer you were seeking so that's tough for you to hear. FWIW I agree with the others but I am truly not trying to be horrible. Please take a step back and listen to what is being said. You seem so angry, it's that you've got to deal with, it's perpetuating your misery.

Lconno1 it is sad that your only retort is to insult. It is also sad that you are only able to have amazing sex by being drunk. Sad times for you.

Some of you people are really weird. I will never leave my husband! He is my life since I was a teenage kid, we have been through so so fucking much. I kept him alive through his darkest days when he was close to killing himself and now he does the same with me! He holds me every day, kisses away my hysterical tears. He made a horrible mistake during a depressive episode but he’ll never do it again. He is my best friend. People keep telling me to be independent and love myself - he is my everything. He holds out family together, our son adores him, I only breathe properly when he’s in the room. I can tell most if you have never known love like it! Our life is close to perfect, all I want is for that bitch to drop dead!

I can tell most if you have never known love like it!

I can assure you that your situation is not enviable in any way.

So dont leave him but I'd you're relationship is perfect and you trust him then you should have zero concerns about him attending the wedding - even if that means without you so dont have to see her face.

However the notion that you'd be able to forget it and move on if you didn't have to see her face / she would drop dead is laughable. You clearly haven't and won't because you haven't healed.

I genuinely hope you can get better.

I'm also ever so slightly concerned that in your right frame of mind youd do something awful (ie manipulate a situation so you move far away and be completely dishonest with your DH in the process or worse yet do something to the OW seen as you seem hell-bent on her no longer walking the earth). Your illness makes you irrational, please get some help. Quickly

*not in your right frame of mind

Wow. You need psychiatric help. And soon.

You seem to think being so codependent on each other that you'd die if you split up is some kind of achievement . You aren't Romeo and Juliet, you are just two unwell people and I feel quite sorry for you both.

I can tell most if you have never known love like it!

Well, that’s probably true. And I’d imagine most of us hope we never will...

You seem to think being so codependent on each other that you'd die if you split up is some kind of achievement confused. You aren't Romeo and Juliet, you are just two unwell people and I feel quite sorry for you both.

Yeah. This sort of dysfunction is also not great for your child and I'd urge you both to seek help for his sake.

But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.

I know you're hurting, but this isn't helpful to you, or remotely fair.

Your husband left you. HE is the person to blame here. When your sister's friend was with him, you were broken up.

Not saying she should have done it - I would have steered well clear in that scenario. But she didn't steal your man, and she isn't a whore. And if she dropped dead, it wouldn't change the fact that your husband was unfaithful and cruel.

I think you are projecting your rage and disappointment on to her because you're trying to make things work with your husband, and so you can't be perpetually furious at him. But you clearly (and understandably) aren't over his behaviour. You're fooling yourself if you think everything would be fine if only his sister's friend would cease to exist.

It's ok if you can't forgive him. It's ok if the betrayal was too great. You don't have to pretend that everything is fine.

I would recommend some couples counselling with your husband. It will give you a safe environment to share your hurt. And it will help you decide if there's something in the relationship that makes it worth fighting for, or if it's time to let it go and move on without it.

I only breathe properly when he’s in the room. I can tell most if you have never known love like it! Our life is close to perfect, all I want is for that bitch to drop dead!

I mean for real, if anything ever screamed 'I need therapy!' it's this.

I only breathe properly when he’s in the room. I can tell most if you have never known love like it! Our life is close to perfect, all I want is for that bitch to drop dead!

I'm not entirely unsympathetic to the husband leaving if this was the dynamic of the relationship before he went. It is totally unhealthy and stifling. Hope you get the help you need.