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Original poster

How can I put past behind me?

149 replies

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 12:35

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

OP posts:

InsertFunnyUsername · 02/08/2019 19:13

Op, this sounds awful.

Deep down you must know she didn't steal anyone, but i dont blame you for being angry with her aswell but your DH deserves some of that anger too. Im not going to pretend im oh so mature and would not hate the OW aswell, i also dont buy into this you can shag whoever you want as long as your single, i wouldn't touch a married man with a barge pole. But ultimately it was him who betrayed you (she just helped)

She is a family friend you are never going to get away from this, even if she moves half way across the world.

VictorianWoman · 02/08/2019 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/08/2019 19:27

OP the reality is you can't get rid of her without cutting yourself and your DH off from the whole world. And you know deep down that it's not possible, or healthy, to do that.

Your posts on this thread show that you're starting to open up about who you are and how you feel; you've gone from it being all about her to realising that you're very dependent on your DH. Did you open up this way throughout your therapy? Because it sounds very much that these steps you're taking realising how imbalanced your marriage is, are the first steps in changing your situation and learning to be a little more independent.

Please look into more therapy; it can be like medication and take a few goes of different types before you find the right fit, but I honestly think you need to take care of yourself and find a way through this, because you do yourself down so much that you've started to believe the words you're saying. You deserve to be happy and confident and strong. Your past doesn't stop those things, it just makes them a little tougher.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 19:42

@chergar I have questioned both of them around whether it started before or not and they both seem sincere in saying it didn’t.
My husband didn’t receive counselling. About 6 months in to his time at his mother’s I heard a noise when I was in bed one night about 2am. I thought it was a burglar. He had let himself in and was drunkenly sobbing his heart out on the sofa with a knife in his hand. I held him and kissed his head and told him it would all be okay - and cried a lot myself. We sat like that all night. I made things as normal as possible for our son the next morning and took him to school and then spent most of the day with my husband trying to encourage him to get help. He went to the doctor a week later and although refused counselling (he’s a very proud manly type man) he went on antidepressants. Things gradually improved from there.
He also refused marriage counselling and no I’ve never been close to my in-laws. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds and his family don’t work and have a basic lifestyle and have always made it clear that they think I’m a posh snob basically and disagree with me having a career as well as a family.
My SIL knew my birthday years ago but I do believe she wouldn’t have remembered as up until a couple of months ago we hadn’t had contact in 2.5 years.
Thank you for your support.

OP posts:

Sagradafamiliar · 02/08/2019 20:33

If you believe he was seeing the other woman as a result of a breakdown and he's fully recovered now, surely then you'd be able to trust him to go to the wedding and enjoy your holiday.

Soola · 02/08/2019 20:37

I’ll ask again.

Have you spoken to your sister in law and asked her about her friend?

Maybe the friend is horribly embarrassed at the hooking up with your husband and now can’t stand the sight of him?

Or do you know for a fact that she would love to get back with him given the chance?

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 20:45

Sorry @soola I can’t seem to tag you hence why I hadn’t replied. No, I haven’t broached the subject with my SIL as we are only just talking again. I don’t know how her friend feels now but I do know that she always liked my husband. I overheard a conversation between her and my SIL in a pub toilets more than 10 years ago before we were married where she was saying she found it hard seeing him with me. She also sent him a birthday card with a message telling him she still loved him 2 months after we got back together (2 years ago) so yes, it is my presumption (along with her not yet moving on with anyone else) that she still has feelings for him

OP posts:

Pantolilies · 02/08/2019 20:50

I don’t know how you can even think that this man respects you let alone loves you. You can blame the depression all you want alright. I am sorry that you are in this position.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 20:53

@Sagradafamiliar yes I know, I absolutely should and I want to. But no matter how hard I try and want to it’s very hard to trust the one person you’ve ever loved and trusted under these circumstances after they’ve hurt you so badly. None of this is black and white when you’re living it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 20:56

@Pantolilies right now ‘this man’ has worked a 60 hour week whilst I’m off with depression again and has just cooked dinner, played with our son and is sat running my feet and telling me he loves me like he has done every night without fail since he came home 2 years ago. People say that people don’t change but I know he has.

OP posts:

Pantolilies · 02/08/2019 20:59

So that’s surely means that you have put the past behind you as all things are fine and dandy now?.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 21:04

@pantollies they would be if she didn’t exist to remind me of a nightmare

OP posts:

Pantolilies · 02/08/2019 21:08

Okay. You aren’t in a good place right now so I don’t think I should say anything to you. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. Don’t worry too much. Try and focus on the fact that your family is with you and also your son will always be better off with you. Your happiness isn’t dependent nor conditional on you being with your husband, try to remember that in your worst moments. Take care.

Soola · 02/08/2019 21:10

Ok so it is possible that she might flirt with him at the wedding.

However he returned to you and has rebuilt the relationship with you. It must occur to him that if he was to stray you might not forgive him this time and he would lose you and living with his children.

It would be a huge amount to sacrifice just to get off with this woman again.

If he has been a loving husband since he came back home then he has seen the suffering you went through and I hope would not want to put you through that again.

Of course if he loves having his ego massaged and the idea of this other woman making you feel jealous so that he feels he’s adored by two women then only you know how he’ll behave if he meets her at an occasion where alcohol is flowing.

I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and explain that you are glad family relations are being restored with the airer and her son etc but that it all brought back old/bad memories and he must understand that you are nervous about him seeing the woman again.

Only he can allay your fears and a frank and honest discussion with him will hopefully ease your fears.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 21:11

So she's had feelings for your husband for years. Did he know that and just use her? What a prince.

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 21:23

@gobbynorthernbird wow you are relentless! You seem hellbent on defending her to the point I’m wondering if you actually are her or one of her friends/family! Either that or you’ve been with a married man in the past and are trying to defend deplorable behaviour! Yes he knew how she felt and she was an easy rebound when he was in a bad place. I know that but I also know he was ill. People like you are just heartless and cruel getting off on other people’s pain!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 21:26

@soola yes and tonight I’m doing exactly that. I know I’m overthinking fears that haven’t and probably won’t happen. He is trying to reassure me, he always does and it can’t be easy on him with how insecure I am. Some people on here have made those insecurities worse but some have given sound advice and I’m thankful for that

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 21:31

Nah, I just think your husband is a prick and not the innocent victim you seem to believe he is.

chergar · 02/08/2019 21:47

@Lconno1 at what point did tour dh come back to you, was it at the knife incident?
If nothing was going on before he moved out then he didn't leave you for her, she does not have that power over him. I know it is hard to go through it all and will be making you feel ill but i am going to ask a few questions that might seem blunt but it is the easiest way for you to see them

How long after he moved out did he start sleeping with her?
Did he move in with her?
Did he stay with his mum the whole time he was gone?
Was the affair the full 8 months or a few meet ups now and then?
Did you know he was sleeping with her when he came to yours at you slept with him?

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2019 22:04

He's better now op? So he left you and started a relationship with her due to mental illness and now he's better?

So why are you still worried about him being with her at the wedding? All the things you said in your op? If you genuinely believe he only started seeing her when you split up due to the fact he was mentally Ill and he now isn't, why the concern?

Original poster

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 22:09

I don’t necessarily have concern he will cheat again , I know he won’t deep down! I just can’t stand her face as a reminder it ever happened at all. Until this month I had wiped it out and as long as I never see her face it could have stayed that way!!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2019 22:10

But if you don't go to the wedding you won't see her face? You don't need to be involved.

NameWithChange · 02/08/2019 22:15

Sorry you have had a hard time @Lconno1

I think you summed it up really well in one of your posts:

I know I’m overly dependent on my husband and that some people see that as weak and pathetic but he’s all I have really and the only person I’ve ever trusted so for him to break that like he did broke my heart beyond belief. I’ve known nothing but him since I was 17 and already in a dark place.

You see for yourself how much you need and depend on him (I'm not criticising that) given the depression and struggle he was having, that must also have been a weight for him to cope with.

You both had a really shit patch. You have come through it. Moved on, and by the sounds of it have a strong foundation built up over a long time.

She was a blip. Nothing more. What you have with him is ENORMOUS compared to the quick blip that was her.

I think the best thing you can do is lower your guard with your SIL and ask her what she thinks you should do re the wedding. If you have a good relationship she will see how hard this is for you. It is really shit timing.

Failing that, new hair, clothes etc. RIP the arse out or that wedding. Have a fab night with YOUR hubby and family. Ignore 'Blip' she is now irrelevant. And have a nice trip/hol/weekend planned that you and your husband can go straight off to in the days after to keep your relationship moving forward. She is in the past now, if you can let it go with him you also need to with her.

Banangana · 02/08/2019 22:31

I don’t necessarily have concern he will cheat again , I know he won’t deep down! I just can’t stand her face as a reminder it ever happened at all.

You can avoid that by just skipping the wedding.

Goodgollymiss · 02/08/2019 22:32

I'm going to get slated but op u sound like a nightmare...I dont think u will ever get past this betrayal tbh.. it really isn't the woman's fault.. did she know your husband was sick btw? ... also sounds like ur husband is trying far to hard to reassure you ... it's been 2.5 years are u not tired of it all?

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