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Original poster

How can I put past behind me?

149 replies

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 12:35

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:40

The family have chosen her. They've had you lumped on them.

Original poster
Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:41

Like I said, I’ll find a way to move us away and start afresh away from everyone. Sad at the lack of support and solidarity between women on here though.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:41

He had moved out therefore he was single.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:43

@Lconno1 moving away from family doesn't stop them being family and you'll still have to attend weddings and family functions.

I think you not trusting him is the issue, not her presence.

Original poster
Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:43

@newmomof1 I didn’t ignore that idea. I’ve already done that - twice. I confronted her when they were together and when he came back to me and she sent him a birthday card 2 months later. It all got very nasty and she eventually agreed to stay away. Everything has been fine since then until this new baby and now I can’t avoid her until we move away

OP posts:
Original poster
Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:44

@gobbynorthernbird well that might be your view but I have a more binding view when it comes to marriage

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 14:45

If she's already agreed to stay away she'll probably do everything she can to avoid him at the wedding to avoid making a scene.

Honestly you might go there and it might really help your insecurities.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 14:45

It's a shame your husband doesn't feel the same.

jagack · 02/08/2019 14:50

She didn't steal him, he chose to embark on a relationship with her where he willingly chose to have sex with her.

He then seemingly chose to come back to you and your family, repair his relationship and make sacrifices to do so.

If you aren't over it and will hold it over him forever or if you aren't willing to / capable of being in close proximity to his ex to enable him to have a relationship with his nephew then you either let him go alone and make peace with that or you separate.

The vows you made when you got married go way beyond monogomy

Nesssie · 02/08/2019 14:51

You move away, it'll happen again with a new woman.

Everyone on this thread, plus 2 counsellors are all telling you something, but you still think you are right?

It all got very nasty I'm shocked.

Original poster
Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 14:51

He was all over the place back then. I stopped him from milking himself twice. He was constantly drunk, doing stupid things. He wasn’t himself at all. He got help and medication and snapped out of it, regretted everything and came home to me. I’ve had no reason to doubt him since. He’s more loving and loyal and affectionate than ever before. I just can’t stand being reminded of that horrible mistake and need to be able to forget it happened. I can’t do that with her around. Why doesn’t anyone understand that? I know he was at fault but I also know he wasn’t in his right mind.

OP posts:
Ijustwanttoretire · 02/08/2019 14:53

What you do is stop blaming her for his actions. He had left you, he was single. She isn't a man 'stealing' whore, bitch, or whatever else you call her to make yourself feel better about what he did.

^ This

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2019 14:55

This can't be real surely? You forgive him, think you own him, and she's the whore, not the man who you married and who decided he'd rather be shagging her?

Aye right.

SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 14:58

D

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 02/08/2019 14:59

OP, what were you hoping to hear when you posted this thread?

Belfield · 02/08/2019 15:07

Surely as your DH had left the home he would have been viewed as single by the other woman. Did she know you were sleeping with each other still? Whilst he was in a relationship with her? I don't think you can talk so negatively about her when you were happy to sleep with him when he was with her. A 30th is not the same as a wedding and I doubt his sister picked that time on purpose. I'd go to the wedding as it doesn't seem you trust him and given he was sleeping with both of you at the same time (she may or may not have known) then clearly he can't be trusted.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 02/08/2019 15:14

FWIW.

I think that you haven’t forgiven him.

I think you’ve transferred all of your hurt onto her cos it’s easier for you to deal with that scenario.

You’ve created a black and white situation where she’s the devil and he is the innocent who was taken advantage of.

If you really want to be happy and content, you need to really forgive him, and her.

If you can’t do that, you need to leave I think.

Otherwise it’s a lifetime of pain for you, your husband and your child.

easterlemma · 02/08/2019 15:15

OP no one is saying that the OW did nothing wrong. But the facts are:

It is your DH who is bound by marriage laws, not her

It was your DH who broke those vows, not her

It was your DH who chose to leave you, not her

So if you believe in the sanctity of marriage, talk to your DH because the OW has no vows she needs to abide by.

It seems as though you are unable to confront your DH’s part in this situation and in your subsequent distress. I understand that, because you want your marriage and family to survive. But i fear that you will never be able to get over this until you can address your husbands flawed actions with him.

You will not be able to trust him without this, regardless of the OW (who btw will always be around even if you move away and have ‘infrequent visits’).

Nesssie · 02/08/2019 15:16

Just waiting for the 'We're taking this down as the OP has some concerns' aka the thread hasn't gone how the OP wants, so she has thrown a paddy and asked for it to be deleted..

SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 15:17

No need to be bitchy. This is someone's actual life and feelings.

Soola · 02/08/2019 15:18

Yes she stole him. There he was innocently walking along when she ambushed him and spirited away for nights of debauchery against his will!

Don’t be so ridiculous. He dumped you and had a bit of light relief finding out if the grass was greener on the other side and found a fun woman who he had great sex with.

Then when the novelty wore off he realised that the novelty of night after night having great fun was starting to wear off so off he trotted back home to ‘er indoors.

The woman hasn’t stalked you and neither him or her seem to have tried to continue to see each other.

The only problem in all this is your jealously and bitterness which you need to get over/come to terms with and either trust your husband or not.

The woman hasn’t done anything wrong. Your frothing and green eyes will only serve to drive him into her (or someone else’s) arms if you continue to think like this.

Tyjaro75 · 02/08/2019 15:21

I completely understand why you want to distance yourself from this woman but is it fair on your child to move away from its extended family? That’s selfish behaviour. Why should your child suffer?
You chose to take your husband back after he had a relationship with this woman and must have realised that these kind of events would come up and thought about it while making your decision to get back with him?
I’m really sorry for you that it happened but I think you really need to decide whether you can accept it and move on with your lives as your plan of moving away is unfair on your husband, child and the rest of his family.
It doesn’t sound like you trust him at all and you’re clinging on so tight, you will smother him,
Also, no one owns anyone!

Circe32 · 02/08/2019 15:33

SeeSomethingSaySomething OP, what were you hoping to hear when you posted this thread?
I think she is looking for suggestions on how to bump off the OW Shock

Original poster
Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 15:50

Well thank you all for being so unbelievably horrible. If I didn’t want to jump off a cliff before then I sure so now

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 02/08/2019 16:04

People aren't being horrible. They're just removed enough from the situation to see it, and your behaviour, for what it is.