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Original poster

How can I put past behind me?

149 replies

Lconno1 · 02/08/2019 12:35

I’ve been with my husband (son’s father) for almost 12 years. 2.5 years ago he had a depressive episode, completely withdrew from me, left our family home and went back to his mother’s. I was devastated and didn’t cope well. I ended up with depression and anxiety attacks myself and went through CBT and on citalopram. He quickly jumped into bed with his sister’s best friend, someone who had always been a family friend. I just wanted to die. However he remained a good father and we had a love/hate relationship for several months. We would fight and then end up in bed together almost weekly. I could never let go and eventually, 8 months after he left, he dumped his sister’s friend and within a month was back with me. But 2 years on I still can’t forgive, forget or trust.
It worked out well up until now as we had agreed he would never see her again. As she is practically part of his family this meant that we cut his sister out and also saw his mum less. He’d gotten used to it and we were happier than ever - until 3 months ago when his sister had a baby. He wants to be an uncle to his nephew and I couldn’t deny him that. His sister and I spoke for the first time in 2.5 years, we built bridges and have had 3 visits with our nephew. But now I have to face the inevitability of seeing that man stealing whore again.
His sister has just booked her wedding and has done so for the weekend of my 30th birthday when we were due to be in Spain with my family. My husband refuses to miss his sister’s wedding so my choice is to go with him and spend my 30th in a room full of people I hate making small talk with the bitch my husband’s cock fell into. Or I can go to Spain with my family leaving him to go to the wedding and having the constant vision of him chatting, dancing, getting reminiscent with that cow and then never knowing for sure what happened.
They’ll also be a christening for our nephew and she’ll be godmother as well as his birthdays and Xmas every year. I can’t handle it and just want her to drop dead. What do I do????

OP posts:

NeedingAdvice29 · 03/08/2019 11:54

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Kez200 · 03/08/2019 11:55

First of all you have to blame the right person. Your husband. He was the one that owed you to stay faithful although his argument will probably be he thought you were apart.

To get over it you either have to accept the past is the past and only work on what happens from now on, and react appropriately. Or you split and you start again.

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 11:57

He was the one that owed you to stay faithful although his argument will probably be he thought you were apart.

Maybe not the ideal thread for a moment of levity but is anyone else hearing Ross Geller's voice inside their head now?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

myrtleWilson · 03/08/2019 11:57

well you're a peach OP...

If you are this dramatic and rude in real life then I wouldn't go to the wedding. You couldn't be relied upon not to make a massive scene and ruin the wedding for your SIL. Go be with your family counsellor

Zazazube · 03/08/2019 11:58

I think your husband behaved despicably. The coming-home knife stunt was extremely manipulative.

I agree with this. However it sounds as though they both do this sort of thing to each other.

Goodgollymiss · 03/08/2019 12:05

Gosh I feel sorry for the mistress

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 12:17

Gosh I feel sorry for the mistress

Not to mention the sister and mother, who had their relationship with the husband curtailed/suspended for the last couple of years through no fault of theirs.

Jenu294 · 03/08/2019 12:17

"He holds our family together..."

He didn't at one point though did he? He walked out on you and your son and committed adultery with his sister's best friend.

And yet you want to blame this other woman for HIS actions?

Bottom line: HE chose her. HE slept with her. HE had an affair with her.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but can you see a pattern?

I think perhaps this may even be a jealousy issue on your behalf. She clearly isn't going to disappear no matter how much you wish it.

Last resort but maybe you should contemplate a new life with your family far away from his ie. Move!!

VictorianWoman · 03/08/2019 12:19

@Lconno1 This forum isn't the right place for you

ghostyslovesheets · 03/08/2019 12:26

this is all unbelievably unhealthy

The OW is the least of your problems - sorry

Sagradafamiliar · 03/08/2019 12:30

What you describe isn't love OP. It's not even functional or normal. The more you post, the more the both of you sound deeply co-dependent and in perpetual hysterical bonding mode.
I don't think you should be together. I'm worried for your child.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 03/08/2019 12:42

OP you need help.

You wont listen to anybody here, you will just carry on seething at her, but nothing you have written is indicative of a normal relationship.

blueshoes · 03/08/2019 12:44

You will only get past this when you accept the sun does not shine out of your husband's bottom and that he (and only he) is responsible for hurting you. Then you need him to acknowledge his actions and then forgive him, if he wants to be forgiven.

His lover is just a side show.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 03/08/2019 12:45

@Butchyrestingface maybe they were on a break!

Zofloramummy · 03/08/2019 13:11

Can we try and remember that the OP has said she is currently struggling with her mental health? Whilst I agree that the relationship dynamic sounds very codependent, she isn’t in a place where she can process that.

OP I would focus on looking after yourself. There is no point in you going to Spain unfortunately as you will torture yourself over what is happening at the wedding.

I would advise that you get some couples counselling to look at how to move past what happened and build trust.

I’d also focus on what you want, like, need for yourself. You have been in a relationship since you were very young and it defines who you are. I’m not saying that is a bad thing but it does make you very dependant on someone else for your own well being. I would advise you to pursue some interests of your own.

Also I think regarding the relocation, your husband isn’t daft and could probably guess that work isn’t the driving factor. You need to respect your marriage and the work you have both put into making it work and be honest with him.

colourlessgreenidea · 03/08/2019 13:22

Our life is close to perfect, all I want is for that bitch to drop dead!

This is stunning. Absolutely stunning.

Basketofkittens · 03/08/2019 13:29

Oh dear, this all reads like a penny novelette.

Only on Mumsnet!

Schuyler · 03/08/2019 13:34

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s ok to feel sad and angry. I mean this kindly.....the level of rage and aggression you feel towards this woman is going to ruin you. I wonder if you’re projecting your feelings on to her because you’ve seemingly accepted your husband for cheating but not her? They both were wrong but it was your husband who broke his love and commitment. He made the vows and made a life with you, not her. The knife incident sounds manipulative. Don’t you deserve better? You deserve to be free of this anger and I wonder if you ever will be whilst you're married to man who had sex with another woman?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/08/2019 13:37

Just go to Spain.

I’m not even going to go into anything else on this thread - just go to Spain. Be with your people, the ones who love you right.

yikesanddang · 03/08/2019 13:52

I think the OP is making this all up. It's just too ridiculous.

He holds out family together, our son adores him, I only breathe properly when he’s in the room. I can tell most if you have never known love like it! Our life is close to perfect, all I want is for that bitch to drop dead!

This is totally unhinged. He cheated. He doesn't hold anything together. Their life is anything but perfect. It's desperate, out of control, manipulative and full of hate and anger. This is not love. I think the OP is just stringing sling a story.

Ronnie27 · 03/08/2019 14:10

Go and sleep with someone else for a while. It’ll take your mind off it all and you won’t care who he talks to at the wedding as you’ll be too preoccupied thinking about someone else. Then when that’s run it’s course he can have a taste of his own medicine running round trying to win you back for a while and then everything will be equal, you’ll have recovered some self confidence and will have to finally forgive him. He can’t even complain as he did it first. Genius.

dodgeballchamp · 03/08/2019 17:24

OP I recognise myself in everything you’re saying when I was in the midst of having really dreadful mental health and self esteem. Trust me, you’re only hurting yourself by hanging on to all that bitterness and depending so deeply on someone else. Your relationship and the level of dependence isn’t healthy. You really need a lot of help. Please get some therapy - your happiness is not dependent on your husband or this woman disappearing.

ConcreteUnderpants · 04/08/2019 13:49

OP you really need help for your mental issues. You are coming across as really vulnerable and inhiged.
You are really not in a good place, and your relationship is fucked up.
Please seek help.

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 03:14

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