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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

151 replies

Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 11:28

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 29/07/2019 12:36

Your husband sounds like a twat but could he have been frightened by the cancer and be afraid to get close to you again? A weird self preservation thing?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Would he be open to counselling?

Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 15:12

We've had lengthy talks about things over the last couple of weeks he says it's not the cancer or the reconstruction I've had that is bothering him. He says it's my reaction to what he calls 'feedback'. ie: my being late, the shoes I wear/ the way I style my hair he doesn't like. I've tried to gently remind him that no one is perfect-not even him but then he says I don't listen & take on board his opinion. He seems to be focusing on all my imperfections & blowing them up to be an issue. He is really upset with the current situation and has cried almost as much as I have. So he can't seriously want to sacrifice our marriage/life to search to greener pasture? To be fair, I haven't been an interesting lover but I've fixed that & we've had the best sex ever but he says I'm desperate. I disagree, I felt empowered to have overcome my stupid, defensive pride & totally enjoyed the sex. He regrets not speaking to me sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 15:14

Also, he felt like this before the cancer. He just didn't discuss it...

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
justasking111 · 29/07/2019 15:17

How old is he?

Soola · 29/07/2019 15:19

Is he in his fifties?

Howdoyousleep · 29/07/2019 15:19

If he’s calling you desperate I would back off from the sex. Plus he’s told you he’s not sexually attracted to you so you have to respect that. As for where that leaves your marriage, I would say it has to be over if it is as one-sided as you say.

Apart from that he sounds quite horrible. Giving you feedback? Sounds like criticising you.

You are being very generous about him but he seems cruel, whether it’s about the cancer or not.

MrsAmaretto · 29/07/2019 15:33

Is he genuinely supportive of the changes you’ve been making or has he made negative and nitpicking comments?

I assume from reading your post that he’s always been a bit controlling and negative/nit picking towards you but it’s not until the cancer recovery that you’ve changed and become more independent of him. This is the problem - him. As for trying to control your hairstyle and shoes - wtf?!

I would stop having sex with him for starters, it’s demeaning shagging someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you. You also may need to take the rose tinted glasses off and look critically at your relationship.

If you wish to safe your marriage then suggest you both attend counselling together

StormTreader · 29/07/2019 15:35

"explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life"
"He says it's my reaction to what he calls 'feedback'. ie: my being late, the shoes I wear/ the way I style my hair he doesn't like."

Sounds to me like you've been very passive for most of your relationship and have let him be the boss and criticise you. Now you've been through the cancer and have firmly taken your life in your own hands, you're standing up for yourself and have a voice and he doesn't like that.

Flower777 · 29/07/2019 15:37

Feedback?

Andallofasuddenitsover · 29/07/2019 15:38

Men put value on what’s hard to obtain, so I wouldn’t keep going all out for him.. make him work for you.

justasking111 · 29/07/2019 15:41

The trouble with porn is that it shows young people, perfect hairless bodies doing all sorts, a normal middle aged woman/man does not have that body. Women realise that, and work with the material we have, men do not.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 16:44

He's 46 & I'm almost 50. Some people say he looks older than me though.
I have been quite unapproachable about sensitive stuff, one being sex. I used to get quite defensive & didn't see the importance of taking about it. I let him do all the work & he got tired of it.
I would agree the marriage is over if he wasn't upset & yes, he's going to a therapist. So am I. He says he hates hurting me & wishes he didn't feel this way & wants to fix things.
I can't imagine my life without him, I've been out of work too long to support myself & I'd lose his lovely family. I'm closer to them than my own family.☹

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 16:49

I think he's conditioned himself to become aroused by porn. I don't have a problem with him doing it, I'm happy to watch it with him in bed. He's not looked at it for about 4 weeks now

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 29/07/2019 16:58

Justasking has nailed it.

I think that middle aged men no longer want women of comparable age to them. They think they deserve younger flesh. It is not you, you cannot not age so you should not be trying to run after him. He sounds like a twat to be honest.

Life is precious, you don't need me to tell you that, so wasting it on some ungrateful bloke who is upset you don't conform to his porn ideal is just a waste of time.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 17:20

He has aged too! Less hair on his head, more hair on his body, more lines on his face but I still love him, I loved him even when he was 3 stone too heavy.
He's always liked older women...

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 17:26

And I don't look my age, people think I'm 40-45. I'm a size 12, I take care of my body. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I make the effort

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/07/2019 17:31

This sounds like a control issue and he is using it to control you - so you make more of an effort and go the extra mile for him. Now he is saying the problem is when you do things he doesnt like or agree with or god forbid are late for him. Crying is yet another method of bringing you into line.

As a PP said has the cancer made you less passive?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/07/2019 17:42

Feedback? What an entitled twat.I would not be grovelling to a man like that. The world is full of middle aged men who think they're the biz, and are far too good to shag women their own age. Seems like yours is one of them.

GloGirl · 29/07/2019 18:18

I would find a reputable sex therapist, ideally one who has had experience in illness and trauma.

I have moderate sympathy for him - he thinks you are beautiful and he loves you dearly but he is finding arousal from other means. Mid life crisis, over reliance on porn through a dry patch etc.

I think his feelings are normal and his conversation with you must have been incredibly hard to say even if it was so much harder to hear.

After 20 years of marriage he is probably feeling old, and boring, and unattractive. He is probably all those things! Its just a phase, help him bridge through it if you can at all bear it. And dont forget to be honest with him in counselling that you find him a pathetic uninspiring potato cliche of a man who could put you through this!

justasking111 · 29/07/2019 18:31

When did he lose three stone?

Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 19:14

Hes not old boring nor unattractive, I tell him he's beautiful & I love him, he stopped returning those gestures a few months back. There's no reason he would feel unwanted, apart from my daft belief that the man should be the instigator. He's fed up with that. I'm trying to demonstrate ( talk can be cheap) that I can & will get more racy in the bedroom. He had no trouble performing the last few times but now I think he's confused about what it all means.

He lost weight around 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 19:21

When I had cancer, I decided life was to short to waste on meaningless friendships & I needed to get over myself regarding talking about things that are painful, embarrassing or dirty. I'm naive, I've been curious but not curious enough. I made a large order from Ann Summers & I'm having the best time!😜

OP posts:
justasking111 · 29/07/2019 19:32

I would agree the marriage is over if he wasn't upset & yes, he's going to a therapist. So am I. He says he hates hurting me & wishes he didn't feel this way & wants to fix things. I can't imagine my life without him, I've been out of work too long to support myself & I'd lose his lovely family. I'm closer to them than my own family

So you both seeing therapists, I bet stuff is coming out there for him never mind you. You have turned into this sex goddess, that might be scaring him. You are unable to support yourself? Well get yourself back into college back to work training and rediscover yourself as a separate person, because if the relationship does not last you need something to hang onto. A divorce judge may not be impressed by a woman who says they cannot work unless they are raising young children.

Start making yourself more interesting outside the bedroom by being independent not a clinging vine.

Wallywobbles · 29/07/2019 19:38

I think you need to decide how you are going to support yourself from here on in. I'd see a solicitor so you know exactly what a divorce outcome might look like. I'm not saying it will end there but I think you should work on the assumption that there's a really good chance it will. Sorry

Helmetbymidnight · 29/07/2019 19:42

I think that middle aged men no longer want women of comparable age to them

er what? most of my middle aged female friends and i are still having good sex with our husbands. where are you getting your ideas from?

op, he sounds like an arse. i woulddump the fucker.