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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

151 replies

Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 11:28

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

OP posts:
LadyBumclock · 31/07/2019 11:07

Yes if a man said he had "feedback" for me on my appearance / sexual performance that in itself would be such a turn-off he'd have to go! (After some choice "feedback" from me!) Bleuch.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 11:18

I need to give myself time to see if I can overcome the things he's said. I want to be more adventurous, I've told him that, he knows I have fantasies as does he. I've proved I have found myself, sexually but I think it's too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 11:29

The feedback thing, I think it's ok to say that you don't like a hairstyle, or clothes or the way I do my makeup, it's the fact that theres a consequence to me not changing it. I've told him how I think he looks-diplomatically, but I've not lost feelings for him when he does what he wants anyway

Are there any men on this thread? I'd appreciate your opinion or feedback!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
LadyBumclock · 31/07/2019 12:21

Yes I agree it's OK to say you don't like something, especially something sexual - if said kindly. I think it's the idea of "feedback" that is so grim as it's like you're an employee or customer service worker.

Soola · 31/07/2019 12:29

You’re desperately trying to hold on that someone might come forward and say that your husband has redeeming qualities.

It’s very hard to let go of someone but if you don’t let go you will lose yourself.

Better to leave when you’re feeling stronger and able to walk away with your head held high than to be beaten to the floor (emotionally) and be on your knees as you try to crawl away.

I felt as if I had the stuffing knocked out of me when we finally split, the whole splitting up process took a year as there were finances and he kept saying he wanted to stay together.

I won’t lie, it took a long while to get over it. Not get over him but to get over the hurt he caused and the replaying of things over and over in my head causing me to relive the suffering and hurt.

I did move in and am now happily married.

I have spent a lot of my life letting life happen to me and just going with the flow. I realise that when I have actually been proactive in making changes it has actually been for the better in the long run.

You too can be proactive in making your life how you want it to be and that could start with you accepting that your marriage has come to its last chapter but if you finish it there is another book to be opened and it is a tale of hope and happiness.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/07/2019 12:42

You sound like an amazingly string woman OP Flowers your dh on the other hand sounds like a bit of a prat. This is definitely nothing to do with you and everything to do about his own selfish wants and desires. I have a feeling you could fart rainbow dust and bend in all sorts of sexual positions and you’d still be in the position with him

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/07/2019 12:44

Strong woman Grin not string - how to mess up a compliment on one sentence

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 13:34

So you haven`t had the putting a bag over your head comment yet before he can perform. I am angry on your behalf as I think you may have realised.

To be rational it is not about looks, Ann Summers, it is about chemistry, people of all shapes, sizes, looks have loving sexual relationships.

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 13:42

You both seem rather obsessed with sex and that it should be perfect etc. Dream on I say. If you had some awful accident and could no longer "performHmm" would he leave you? And vice versa ?

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 13:45

Btw he sounds like an utter shit. Come on woman have you no self respect???

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 14:09

Victorian - interesting point if he had prostate cancer and became impotent would the OP stay with him?

Dowser · 31/07/2019 14:18

Haven’t read the full thread Clarabunda
But he sounded like my husband while my husband was having an affair

He denied it, putting me through the worst kind of hell for ten months.
Just saying
He was very critical of my appearance while he was no oil painting

He was about 49-49 and me two years older

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 15:35

Yes, I would stay with him if he had prostate cancer, I'm his wife, I love him & I'm 100% committed to him. We have a fantastic life & we are the best of friends. We go out a lot & go on fantastic holidays. We married 2 years ago in Vegas then had a big party here.
I need to know, if he didn't love me from the start, why 4 years later he planned a baby, put a ring on my finger & moved into my house. None of it makes sense. I'm wondering if he even knows what he's feeling.
He has huge earning power so please don't think he was trying to gain something financially from me at the time

OP posts:
Andallofasuddenitsover · 31/07/2019 15:45

OP, I’m wondering why it took so long to get married? I’m wondering whether that was about him ensuring he’d be legally entitled to half of everything? Married two years ago and now, so soon after he’s not sure how he feels?

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 15:54

But clearly you don't have a fantastic life. There's more to life than a fancy house, car and holidays. It's just so artificial while deep down I suspect you are both miserable.

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2019 16:09

I still put money on this wearing you down as he has some porn fantasy he wants fulfilled and this is a way of making you question it until your boundaries are down.

the fact you feel you have proved yourself sexually is very telling

That and the fact that his son is now what 16? and he feels he needs to be the big man of the family

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 16:15

Sorry but he just sounds a perv😱 who is having an affair and needs an excuse for not being able to perform. Really you need to wake up and smell the ☕.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2019 16:31

Why are you putting yourself through this, *Clarabunda? He has huge earning potential; what about you? Are you tied to him for his money? You'd get a fair settlement - and be free of that conditional twat-bag.

I do not understand how you can post that he has to get drunk and switch off the lights to have sex with you - and you then seek out the views of other men to see if they have some insights for you. What on earth has happened to you in your life that you would put up with this? From your husband?

Perhaps you're not just 'deeply in love' but instead - dangerously and hopelessly besotted. What a shame that he feels nothing like that for you. Just be prepared because such overwhelming love from a partner (you) for a person who really doesn't give a shit (him) puts him in the absolute position of power and, if he chooses to give you some other 'home truths', every blench from you will be a win for him.

Stay with him if you want to, it's your life, your marriage but for your sake - and your children's sake - have a Plan B to get out/get him out quickly if you need to.

Your posts make me really sad. That a woman who has been through such a horrific disease thinks so little of herself as to willingly accept this. I'm sorry, but this man has he's defeated you, stripped you of any fight and now you might as well lipstick the word 'Doormat' on your forehead and wait for him to find somebody that he does respect. It's coming.

1forAll74 · 31/07/2019 16:34

Do you think that your husband is feeling guilty, now that you have become more open sexually,after all your trauma with cancer and the aftermath. And now he can't handle it, or get to grips with his feelings.

It's a big thing to deal with,especially as you love him so much,and are ambitious, and want to do so many things now.,and also that you go out together,with holidays etc.

The porn stuff is crappy, that's all I can say about that, as you don't seem to mind too much.

Lots of people here keep saying leave,or divorce whatever,but you seem to want to work through all this, no matter what. So good luck,whatever happens in the future.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 16:38

@Andallofasuddenitsover, he'd have probably been financially better off if we hadn't got married, we've accumulated more wealth between us over 20 years than I had initially. To which I'm entitled to half. I've not worked for 16 years. Just odd jobs here & there around looking after our son.
I do wonder if that's why he disrespect me, because I don't earn & he meets women at work who are earning probably £100k+ pa. Is he comparing me with them? I'm not completely unintelligent, I speak fluent French & I'm a qualified teacher

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 31/07/2019 16:46

Op, my DH and I are exactly the same age as you and yours.

My DH is still (or seems to be!) sexually attracted to me. even when I was very overweight, he said nothing, and we still had a great physical relationship. I think your DH is cruel, and that comment about having to get drunk and put the lights out would be a deal breaker for me. You don't say that to someone you love, you just don't. Dh and I have both aged, but I see him the same as always- personality is a powerful force. I'd be looking to get out, sorry Sad

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 16:49

He says he doesn't want to experience his fantasy-as weird as it is, I can't see him going through with it. I think the porn has become a bad habit which is why he can't associate sex with me any more. He's chasing perfection & will be sorely disappointed forever more. His ex girlfriend was a dream in the bedroom but day to day was a bitch from hell so he left her after 3 years

OP posts:
VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 16:54

He says awful things to you therefore he doesn't love you.
You seem like the type of woman who will put up with anything (violence, etc) to keep your man.

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 16:56

"His ex girlfriend was a dream in the bedroom but day to day was a bitch from hell so he left her after 3 years"......
So he says......He probably belittled her once too often.

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2019 17:03

so there is a weird fantasy then that at the moment he is saying he doesnt want to experience

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