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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

151 replies

Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 11:28

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 23:59

Another problem is my husband overworks, hes here most evenings but is either on the phone or writing emails. He's tired & when we see each other, we prefer to relax or go out together, rather than argue about problems.
I've told him I've had issues with him too, it's not all about him, I guess I'm just not shallow enough to let it affect me. Yes, I have needs too & right now he's not measuring up.
I have to see where the therapy leads to though, I won't be making any irrational decisions

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 00:05

@Soola you don't know the half of it! He told me that he had to get drunk & switch the light off in order to get aroused for me. I think he's only still here for our son, when he leaves for uni, there'll be nothing for him to stay for.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 31/07/2019 00:18

I think hes said and done some very cruel things. I do wonder if its driven by your new found determination for life that hes feeling emasculated by too bad

Well done you for getting through your cancer diagnosis and treatment so positively to have come to this place now of being more in control of your life with a new outlook . Him feeling threatened by this might mean you are no longer the little woman in his eyes and he is feeling inadequate, because he is, not because of you.

He needs to do a readjust of his outlook, totally to bring this around, but I am sceptical about that happening.

So sorry, after all your efforts and illness that it has come to this for you.

This is on him now, you've done yours.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 00:26

Thank you.
I've learned that there's no such thing as unconditional love. There's a consequence for being imperfect

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 31/07/2019 00:26

@justasking111 If it was the OP getting jollies from porn because the DH had prostate cancer i wonder what your replies would have been like.

Im assuming they would have been sympathetic just as they are towards the OPs DH.

@LyingWitch totally agree with you.

hes also rewriting history. Isnt that the MN script.

HelenaDove · 31/07/2019 00:29

@Clarabunda Thanks

Im sorry but some men ARE like this.

Ive been on MN a long time and ive got a damn good memory. There was a thread on here where an OP talked about her DH wanting her to wear a baby doll nightie during sex because he was turned off by her mastectomy.

OldAndWornOut · 31/07/2019 00:33

I don't know how you can bear to let him near you.
He's incredibly cruel, despite turning on the waterworks.

HelenaDove · 31/07/2019 00:39

Manipulative crocodile tears.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 00:40

@HelenaDove, I've noticed that he doesn't look at it nor touch it, I asked him why, I said 'do you think its painful?' He said, 'no, it's just a bit weird. Actually, I've had reconstruction surgery & a tattoo so there's no scarring & I had nipple reconstruction too. It looks really good, I was really pleased with it

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 31/07/2019 00:43

Clarabunda Thanks

The reason i posted about that old thread is because your DH is no better than the DH discussed on that old thread.

You sound great and you deserve more than this knob.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 00:46

Men are twats aren't they? I might just have to become a lesbian! 😂

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 31/07/2019 00:52

No, not all men are twats at all. Thats doing men a disservice. There are some pretty cruel ones though that dont seem to actually like women very much (especially those with any of their own sense of power) those men like to hate on them.

Sarcelle · 31/07/2019 07:37

He is a twat, a cruel one.

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2019 09:02

Oh OP that isnt a surprise that he wants it to be more adventurous and frequent and push your boundaries. I think this is all designed to reel you into giving him that so he stays

Ikeameatballs · 31/07/2019 09:16

He’s absolutely awful.

Stop having sex with him and take some real control in your life by initiating divorce proceedings.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 31/07/2019 09:20

it would be over for me.
I would divorce the twat.

MrsGrindah · 31/07/2019 09:25

He’s spouting out a lot of cliches OP. You don’t lose intimate feelings for your spouse of over 20 years because of how they react to “ feedback” about their hairstyle FFS! At best he’s being incredibly selfish and unkind.

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 09:42

I think Helena dove has mistaken me for another poster

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 09:44

As other wise posters have said on mn many times. Quietly get your ducks in a row legally and financially. Anticipate the worst

Babdoc · 31/07/2019 09:54

He actually told you that he “had to get drunk and switch the light off” in order to face having sex with you?
What an absolute bastard.
OP, why are you still with this shithole entitled misogynist arse of a man?
Why didn’t you tell him to fuck off out of your life, the minute those cruel disgusting words left his mouth?
Please, OP - find your self respect and your anger, and ride them all the way to the divorce court.

LadyBumclock · 31/07/2019 09:55

I think you're seeing the real him and I would be very surprised if there isn't another woman in the offing or already on the go. Sorry to be blunt but this is exactly what cheating men very often say.

Men are twats aren't they? I might just have to become a lesbian!

I'm nearly 50, separated, despair at most of the men I know and just waiting for my lesbian desire to strike. It would be the perfect solution! Sadly no sign of it so far Hmm

ittakes2 · 31/07/2019 09:55

While I think its good he is being honest with you...he does sound like he is also a bit controlling. The thing is - you don't have to make a final decision now - make a decision to make your decision after you have both had counselling. Go to counselling and take it from there.

LadyBumclock · 31/07/2019 10:00

I wouldn't be able to come back from how he's treated you/spoken to you and how he obviously has no respect for you, whatever he claims. I think you need to stop making any effort to please him, and go to counselling on your own with a view to sorting out your feelings and considering LTB.

I'm 3 years down the line from leaving my misogynistic, lying twat of an ex and I'm so much happier. Most women find they are, even without a new man.

GloGirl · 31/07/2019 10:20

You'll see I was quite sympathetic to him earlier on but any man telling me he had to get drunk to find me arousing would never again get the privilege of sharing a bedroom with me. Honestly, what a twat.

I would start looking at lawyers rather than therapists.

Xenadog · 31/07/2019 10:28

OP, take your feelings out of this and look at the relationship objectively. You aren’t in step with each other, he gives you feedback (WTAF?) and gets drunk so he can face having sex with you. This relationship is dead.

Get your ducks in a row, as said upthread, and makes plans for what you want to do for your future.

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