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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

151 replies

Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 11:28

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 17:07

He has only said those things in the past 2 weeks when we've been going through all this. He still buys me flowers. He still sleeps naked in our bed & he is getting psychotherapy with a view to fix this, he knows he has a problem. He still says I'm beautiful, amazing, strong etc. The problem is his

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 17:09

@Quartz2208 yes, but then I have fantasies too that I'm not going to act out, they wouldn't involve him...

OP posts:
Soola · 31/07/2019 17:20

You’re quite enamoured of the material side he offers by way of holidays and the trappings of wealth but strip that away and really he’s rather unpleasant, selfish and uncaring.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Loopytiles · 31/07/2019 17:26

Urgh, he’s a porn user seeking to put you down!

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 17:37

So he buys you flowers and that makes everything ok. 😕 you sound rather materialistic.

I'd rather be with a penniless man who adored and RESPECTED me any day, over your husband.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2019 17:58

You're 'deeply in love' with him

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 18:29

When you lay it all out lying witch is pretty grim to be honest.

Topsy44 · 31/07/2019 19:05

I haven't read the whole thread but what I have read is that your DH is a thoughtless, selfish, controlling twat.

If he is using porn to the extent that he has become addicted then no amount of you dressing up in racy lingerie, trying out new stuff etc. will make him want you. He will have become addicted to a screen and a real woman won't do it for him. Trust me, even if you look like a supermodel he's still not going to want you.

I think you are under his spell and can't see the truth of your relationship. If you stay, it will only get worse and your self esteem will become even more damaged than it is now.
Think how it would be to be in a truly loving, caring relationship with a man that can't keep his hands off you. That is what you deserve.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 19:58

I didn't say he was addicted to porn, I said that he's conditioned himself to using porn rather than coming to his wife. I'm not blameless here, I've obviously been too unapproachable for him to talk to & too defensive when he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 20:04

And I asked him about his ex. I wanted him to reflect on his last relationship, I already knew he left her because she was an unpleasant person, he says I have a kind nature, I'm not busting his bollocks over trivial shit. We are best friends. He's not sure that we're in love & he obviously needs that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 31/07/2019 20:11

It's not the flowers, it's the fact that he thinks of me & buys flowers, it's the gesture. I'm not materialistic, I was happy in our small house, I don't want for very much at all. It's my husband who wanted to upsize. I think it's normal when you work hard

OP posts:
Soola · 31/07/2019 20:21

Oh well if he brings home a lovely bouquet it cancels out that he doesn’t want to kiss you on the lips!

You are making excuse after excuse for him.

He sounds horrible and I don’t think anyone on this thread would satay with him other than you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2019 20:30

If it's all so lovely then what are you complaining about, Clarabunda? Honestly? It sounds as if you will carry on making excuses until he despises you and leaves.

I feel really sorry for you because you have no 'bar' at all, everything he does is ok with you and you'll twist and turn it to justify it to yourself. I don't know why you're doing that but I think you'd benefit from some professional help - just for you - to determine a way through this OR genuine acceptance of your demotion.

I won't say any more, just that if you were a friend, I'd want to give you a shake and a hug, this is horrible and it is over. One person can't keep a relationship going, however much they are 'deeply in love'. That is only to your detriment.

AntonsMumsTeeth · 31/07/2019 21:08

Porn user. That says it all! I would dump his sorry arse. He sounds incapable of having a loving, meaningful and respectful relationship with another human being esp one his own age.

Please do yourself a favour OP and listen to the wise advice in this thread.

He's not good for you. Stop making excuses for him. Anyone who has to get drunk and turn the lights off AND tell you that is not a good husband. You've been through so much, put yourself first and stop trying to appease him.

VictorianWoman · 31/07/2019 21:54

OP is deluded. Confused

Soola · 31/07/2019 22:07

None so blind as those who will not see....

Frownette · 31/07/2019 22:18

It's been mentioned about kissing a few times on this thread, do people think if it's lacking then the man is refusing intimacy?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2019 22:43

Frownette for me, if it's just lacking - and both partners aren't fussed - then no. If it's refused then yes, it's an issue, and a big one.

Kissing is important for some people, it is for me. Sex not so much but kissing, yes. It's important to OP because she's bothered to post about it in her thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2019 22:44

... and it's not the only thing on that great catalogue of ineptitude that is OP's husband either.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 01/08/2019 08:24

I totally understand why you're all angry on my behalf, I just think there's more going on. I think he's very stressed & overworked. Why is he falling out with his sister & his colleagues? In my original post, I asked if anyone else has been through a similar scenario & wanted to know what the outcome was. Well, have you? It's easy to say what you think you'd do but ultimately, unless you've been put in that position, you don't know. I can't believe the words that have come from his mouth, I was shocked. This is a crisis for us, I have to see if this is fixable otherwise the last 20 years, including the birth of our son, is meaningless.
The only reason I mentioned that we have no money worries is because it's a subject that does cause friction & ultimately, divorce. That isn't the case for us.

OP posts:
VictorianWoman · 01/08/2019 08:37

Rather sad that you think the birth of your son would be meaningless if you split up.
People in a similar situation have advised you, but because they are telling you things you don't want to believe, you ignore the advice.

VictorianWoman · 01/08/2019 09:12

Follow him. Bet there's another woman.

Soola · 01/08/2019 09:41

I am beginning to think that you are just a ‘front’ for him. The one that fits in socially with friends and colleagues and runs the home.

He knows you adore him and he can string you along as long as he keeps up the pretence and buys you flowers and takes you on nice holidays etc.

But as the poster above mentioned there is another woman, probably a lot younger than you and that’s why he doesn’t want to kiss you on the lips etc.

That would make sense of his behaviour towards you.

justasking111 · 01/08/2019 09:56

Well perhaps he needs to take a sabbatical from work if he's maybe just burnt out. You say no money worries but does this lifestyle depend on him working what happens if he chucks it all in

AntonsMumsTeeth · 01/08/2019 10:10

I just think there's more going on. I think he's very stressed & overworked. Why is he falling out with his sister & his colleagues?

Why do you even care about the answers to those questions about him falling out with his family? Isn't it more imperative to address the fact he needs to get drunk and turn the lights out to have sex?! So cruel and disrespectful.

We all have husbands who are "stressed and overworked". There is no excuse for his behaviour.

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