Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

[Clarabunda]

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

My bet is he’s had his head turned.

Maybe nothings happened, maybe she’d have no interest. The point is, his head isn’t on you, it’s on someone/something else.

I didn't say he was addicted to porn, I said that he's conditioned himself to using porn rather than coming to his wife

That is exactly what happens with porn addiction, OP .

Clarabunda you asked if 'it has ever happened to you?'.

Well, yes and no. Yes because I had a boyfriend who used to say the most horrible - and hurtful things and because I was so besotted with him, I put up with it for a lot longer than I should have. My self esteem was on the floor, there is no other description for it.

If we'd married, I'd be a wreck, letting him play 'push me/pull you'. That's not what a loving partner does. He wasn't partner material and your husband isn't either.

It's not good that you 'love him deeply' and he loves you superficially. I bet he thinks very much about what other people think of him? He doesn't care what you think, you're just there and always will be as far as he's concerned.

I think it will all come as a giant shock to you when he eventually leaves you. I say this because what you've posted is shocking to most of us and, I bet, that there are other things he's said and done that you haven't posted about, for self-preservation. I get that. You owe nobody here a thing - but you owe it to yourself to be honest about your situation with yourself and face the painful and unpalatable truth.

I really do wish you well but I'm extremely sad for you, you don't need this. You should be celebrating your recovery and continued vigour with somebody who loves you. You're not.

And nobody here is angry or cross with you. Nobody.

There's someone else.

To be honest if I had a man in my life I would hope he would respect and love me as I would him. Your husband doesn't even sound as if he even likes you if he can say such cruel things. I'm guessing he would find fault with whatever you said or did so I would stop trying and live your life to please yourself.

All the money, holidays, possessions in the world wouldn't make me stay with a man like your husband, I think he's an absolute shit and you are worth more.

You say you love him - do you think that's for the person he was rather than the person he has become?

@SilverySurfer, my love for him has grown over the last 20 years. He supported me through my treatment, he said it brought us closer together. He said he doesn't recognise me when I turn it on in the bedroom or kiss like lovers do. It's weird for him to see me like that. He said it feels unnatural. This is what the therapy is for.

If he's addicted to porn, wouldn't he be doing it every day? Several times per day?

You make it found like him supporting you during your treatment is something extraordinary or above and beyond!

No, that’s what normal people do. You’re so enamoured of him that you’ve put him on a pedestal.

Take off the rose coloured spectacles and see him for he really is.

I’m afraid that given my own life experiences this statement indicates to me more than ever that he is involved with someone else -

He said he doesn't recognise me when I turn it on in the bedroom or kiss like lovers do. It's weird for him to see me like that.

You’re behaving like a doormat for him to wipe his feet on.

It must seem strange to see me out of character, but I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm his wife ffs!

@Clarabunda wife in name but the way he treats you is not how one would treat a cherished and loved partner.

Would you ever treat someone you lives the way he has treated you? Or say the diabolical things he has said to you? No of course not.

@Soola

I think you need to leave him tbh. You deserve better.

*I’m his wife
Sadly he isn’t treating you like it.

If you stay I think you need to except you won't have the sex life you both want.

He's turned off by your body after the cancer by the sounds of it and from watching too much porn that he's comparing your body to what he sees.

So messed up. The no kissing bit aswell is that because he doesn't want anything to lead to sex or because he's interested in someone else?

What about trying swinger events?

By sounds of it you will stay and I just hope you get the love and attention you deserve.

@VictorianWoman 😂

And here’s a picture of the op...

Hey, in case you're interested, a few months have passed now, turns out I was in fact married to a lying cheating dirty cnut. He admitted he was interested in having sex with a pre-OP trans woman. Then in October he had to have an op inside his ass & his doctor asked him if hed8been having g unprotected gay sex as he had anal warts. I think this indicates he had already been fulfilling his fantasy. And with hindsight it all makes sense. The passenger seat of his car always reclined, works away from home a lot, the guilt. I think he's been doing this for probably 10 years. He was definitely fcuking someone from August to October because I managed to trap him. He will go to ALL lengths to conceal that person's identity. I WILL find out who it is , how long it's been going on for & where.
Yes, I have had a HIV test, and other STI screenings. I am clear.
This is a man I trusted, 100%. A man I adored. A man I'd shared my life with for 20 years. An 'upstanding, professional member of society.
I have been dating other guys, I took up pole fitness & exotic dance, I have rediscovered myself & learned there is nothing wrong with me. It's that cnut with a problem. I will fcuking destroy him.
Good day, all. Keep safe. X

Wow so v sorry. You deserved so much better . I am sorry you didn't get it x

Wow 😮
Hope your ok,that’s some news

I'm so sorry. The truth sets you free, cliched though it is.

Woah!!!!

Loved the ending... and I will fucking destroy him 😂 good for you, glad you found out.

Fantastic update OP. So sorry what you found out though and the levels of deceit he has done to you.

How did you get to the bottom of it all in the end?

He sounds very entitled and deluded. Split up the assets. You will be ok
Wish him good luck with the more attractive women