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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me sexually attractive

151 replies

Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 11:28

Weve been together for 20 years, we were together 4 years when we had our son & moved in together. We have a great relationship, we are the best of friends & rarely argue. We have a great life together, large house, mortgage free, nice cars, no debts, great social life, lots in common but also have interests independent of each other. The intimacy between us has dwindled over the last 10ish years & the last 3 years I've been recovering from cancer. The cancer was a wake up call & I knew I needed to address this situation. I've been working on some personal issues alongside my cancer treatment but my husband became more distant over the last few months, he couldn't even kiss my lips. I confronted him & he admitted that he no longer finds me sexually attractive & that he relies on porn for satisfaction. He's also looking at other women. He has a high pressure career & has not only had issues with me but with his colleagues & family too. He says he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful & cares for me but theres no spark in our private life. I love him & I'm deeply in love with him so I've been going the extra mile for him generally & in the bedroom-which he enjoys but he says it feels fake. I've opened up to him about a lot of things & explained I'd been working on my personal development & that's how I'm able to take the initiative & reinvent our sex life but he says I'm pushing him further away. He has agreed to seek counselling & says he wants to fix things.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Did you overcome it & how?
I'm feeling useless & brokenhearted. 💔

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 29/07/2019 19:50

I have been divorced several years now. Pre divorce I felt out love life was in a rut and made an effort to improve it. It turns out his lack of interest was due to another interest elsewhere. I hope this does not turn out to be the case for you. What is he doing to improve things apart from the counsellor, does he make any effort at all to make you feel good about yourself as this all sounds terribly one sided.

Sarcelle · 29/07/2019 20:03

Helme, you might be but I bet they are wishing your years away.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/07/2019 20:17

why are you saying that sarcelle? iim intrigued that you find me so unattractive?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 20:20

We've both said that divorce is a bit drastic at this stage.
You're right, I need to do an apprenticeship or something. Although we've just launched our own buy-to-let business & bought a property. I'm currently busy with that.

OP posts:
ReasonablyIntelligent · 29/07/2019 20:27

It sounds like you may be coming on a bit to strong for the bedroom stuff.
If you say you went through a real dry patch (understandably!) whilst you were undergoing cancer treatment, and that this push for being more sexual has come really quite suddenly, I can imagine it's a big change for him to overcome.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 20:32

I really appreciate the time you've all taken to reply, thank you.
Watch this space!

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 29/07/2019 20:41

@ReasonablyIntelligent, I think you're right, he doesn't recognise the new me & is a bit bewildered. As he said I was making him more distant, I've reigned it right in. I just want the intimacy we've been missing. This arose before my cancer-not because of it. It's since then that I've been getting my head from my arse & doing something about it. My reconstruction finished about the same time I noticed we were in trouble. I had thought he was too tired & stressed from hard work to perform in bed. He chose to look at porn rather than talk. I think it's become a bad habit

OP posts:
Branster · 29/07/2019 21:03

OP it sounds to me like you are objectifying yourself to him. For what, if there aren’t even any crumbs left for you to pick (which would be degrading in itself). You worship this man and are really scared of loosing his affection and attention so you do everything in your power to please him. He does not deserve your efforts and anguish, they are wasted on him. You deserve to be treated with respect. Yes, marriages go through ups and downs but the mutual respect remains. He is critical of you in a harsh way. You can’t force someone to find you attractive. He’s been honest to you about this and you tried to fix it but I’m not sure it is doable. Attractiveness is not only physical, it is also about attitude, the balance between fragile and independent and confident with your own likes and dislikes, not necessarily about doing tricks between the sheets with a fabulous body to boot..
Oh Clarabunda I do hope it all works out well for you, giving you a big hug and wishing you courage to face the possibility you might have to move on and away from him. Yes, you might be able to get him close to you, but it will only be temporary, if he said he doesn’t want you, you have to respect that and move away so you can find a special person who wants you and who deserves your dedication and loving heart.

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2019 21:09

No OP the new you sounded happy and confident and he did not like it - this is his way of controlling you and bringing you back

justasking111 · 29/07/2019 21:18

Re: buy to let, I manage a few, in no way is it a full time job, more of a half hour here and there to sort out insurance, tradesmen, etc.

Could you live on the income from one let?

VictorianWoman · 29/07/2019 21:32

Sounds like he's having an affair tbh.

HarryBlackberry1 · 30/07/2019 07:07

It annoys me, the number of threads on here, where women's self respect and mental health is destroyed by the partner's obsession over porn. We're moving into dark times. Hope you are ok OP.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 07:27

@justasking111
I'm there stripping it out & will be decorating it.
No, 1 buy to let wouldn't pay my overheads, if we split, I could buy a house for me to live in & then perhaps buy another 1 or 2 lets outright to make an income, although I'd have the accountant to pay & taxes, not sure I'd be left with that much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 07:29

@VictorianWoman I've asked him outright several times if he's met someone else, he's adamant he hasn't. The women he looks at are passers by, strangers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 07:33

He's basically telling me I'm amazing, the perfect wife but he's questioning if he's in love or have we become too close, I don't know, like brother & sister. He said it's him with the problem, not me. It'll be interesting to see how therapy works for him.

OP posts:
Herefortheduration · 30/07/2019 08:21

Your dh is middle aged, he may be experiencing some form of change in his own sexual performance which is upsetting him, he could be confused by it and be deflecting the blame. He may have a dwindling libido or a down turn in his ability to get an erection. These changes aren't always obvious to either him or a partner as they still can get an erection it just takes more effort and sometimes they know they should want sex but they don't necessarily feel like they do want it, this can be confusing as it has never been the case before, so they look for external excuses. This idea is supported by the fact he's looking at porn, it seems he's testing himself. You're maybe coming on strong at a moment when he can't bring himself to perform and he's externalising his inability and is blaming you, he sees your desire as desperation, your hair/shoes etc as not good enough.
I don't think you should feel sorry for him, he's lashing out and that is unacceptable. You need to see the issue is not yourself. You need to back off, how this will play out is he could continue to move away from you or he could be honest with himself and address his own changes, accept they are natural changes and work around them.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 21:52

I have definitely backed off. We're not even telling each other, 'I Love You'.
The latest revelation is that the whole of our 20 relationship has been a sham. He knew early on that the sex life wasn't up to his standard & my being unwilling to talk about it was a problem. Why the fuck he was still around 4 years later to plan a baby, I do not know. He thought he could just 'put up with it' why? He didn't have to, we weren't committed to each other, I owned my own house, earned my own money, ran my own car & had 2 children from a previous marriage. I certainly wasn't needy nor demanding of him.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/07/2019 22:05

what is his standard given that it is normally a 2 way street. Exactly what have you not been doing

As I suspected this is all about controlling you to do whatever it is he is about to reveal that he wants you to do

barryfromclareisfit · 30/07/2019 22:13

OP, you’d benefit from relationship counselling - not him, just you.

barryfromclareisfit · 30/07/2019 22:17

Sorry, too soon.

He isn’t going to commit to anything that brings him back to being your romantic partner. You need help to see yourself as worthy and valuable without that. Depending on him to provide you with what you need isn’t going to work.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2019 22:30

Reading your posts makes me shudder, Clarabunda, they really do. Your husband is a piece of work. Become 'too close' indeed. Is there such a thing in a marriage, between a couple? Not in my opinion, no.

I think your cancer has made him take stock and he's found himself wanting. He may well have always had an eye elsewhere but now that he's had a wake up call about mortality in general, he can't face it.

He can never say this, never articulate it because people would think (rightly) that he's the biggest arsehole. He is really, he's making this all about him and not paying any regard to you. It's inexcusable.

I say this kindly but, in every relationship there is one who loves the other just that little bit more. In your relationship, it's out of balance because you are 'deeply in love' and you're dealing with 'couldn't be more indifferent'. That's not sustainable. He's a faker and isn't going to be honest with you because, you're ill. Even if you're in full remission, he isn't a big enough person.

I absolutely agree with posters advising you to back right off. In my head, I'd be making a 'Plan B' that doesn't include him. He's not showing you love, Clarabunda, it's a low-level contempt if anything. You deserve a hell of a lot better.

Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 23:42

@Quartz2208, his standard is more adventurous sex & much more frequently. He wants me to instigate & wants to talk about it too. Like, give him an appraisal or something. He'd ask questions like, ' do you touch yourself?' Which I found intrusive & embarrassing. ( are they though? How would you feel to be asked?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarabunda · 30/07/2019 23:51

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I've been looking at apprenticeship s. I've even looked at fucking off abroad to teach English. Although I'm CELTA qualified, you now need a degree too.
Whatever happens I'll be mortgage free & will have cash too-assuming things will be split 50/50

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 30/07/2019 23:54

I'm sorry but everytime I read this I keep getting stuck on "feedback" WTF!! Who talks like that out of the office?
He doesn't sound very supportive considering all you have been through and all the effort you are making for him.

Soola · 30/07/2019 23:57

I put up with a lot of crap from my ex because he kept telling me how much he loved and adored me.

It was very much at odds with how he treated me but every time he did something awful his declarations of love and loyalty confused me and kept me in the relationship for far too long. I was thoroughly bamboozled by him.

He was a liar and a cheat.

However, I would not bear to be with someone who said the things that your husband has said to you. His words are cruel and you deserve better.