Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

I’m sorry but I’d rather be skint and do everything for my kids, enjoy them spend time with them, watch them grow, listen to their day at school, take them to the dentist, doctors. Not rely on full time nannies, housekeepers, and so on. Just my opinion.

Well, I wouldn't. I would have died of boredom. Not to mention that we'd all have starved, or at any rate be living in very inadequate and cramped accommodation, because my earning capacity is much higher than DH's.

@shopkinsdoll The OP wasn't looking for your opinion though, was she? She wanted to hear from women who'd reached senior positions about their support systems.
I'm making a wild guess here that you haven't been in that position?

@Shopkinsdoll I can't imagine anything worse than "doing everything" for my DC. I don't miss out on anything by not cleaning their bathrooms or ironing their clothes, vacuuming the house or preparing their pack lunches.

@DramaRamaLlama I agree.
I feel like I end up with the best bits and the mundane is what we have help for

Yeah, it’s nice not to have to do the hard grunt work of laundry, cooking, cleaning beds and rooms and spend more time just playing and hanging out.

@Shopkinsdoll please tell us about your education, career and how you managed your support network prior to giving it all up to become an unpaid domestic skivy ‘doing it all for the children’?

Personally, I didn’t study for best part of a decade at a post grad level to spend my days undertaking unqualified manual labour in the home.

I only read the first post.
Always worked full time. Lawyer. 5 children. Husband (married 20 years) always worked full time. I took just about no maternity leave (e.g. 2 weeks of annual leave).

How we made it work:

1. No sexism at home. Eg husband found the childcare rather than this is something only women do. If child ill he as likely as I was to find the emergency nanny agency etc.

2., Decide what is important - eg cleaning the house can probably slide but for me breastfeeding was important so I would come home and immediately feed the baby and in the night.

1. I fed the babies in the night in year 1 although if screamingbaby once fed I might well hand it over. He did the years after and yes sadly all 5 woke every night every year until they were at least 4 or 5. We never bred a sleeper.

1. We both tried to be home as early as we could bey 6 but if one worked late the other would not. Not always reasy to arrange. Never be the one who has to collect from nursery - taking children to nursery or their childcare is easy. (before work), Collecting is what has an impact on careers. Make sure men do their fair share of collection or rushing home for 6 or 6.30 to let the nanny go home.

1. I was a member and I think on the committee of a City of London working mothers group which was quite helpful as lots of parents in similar jobs to mine with babies.

Main thing that made it work for us was feminism and no sexism at home. We had also moved for my career too and knew I would earn more so there was no question of women serve and/or earn only pin money and men earn.

@Shopkinsdoll which is great for you, and I've loved my maternity leaves and a too-brief extra year as a sahp. But when my DH was unable to work for nearly a year following a major illness, and the insurers were late in paying out (and miserly when they did), it was my career that kept everything afloat.
As others say on here, the great thing about having a senior career is that it does give you better options for many things. As pps have said, when I earned a lot less I had most of the same challenges I do now about finding good childcare, but didn't have my luxury of being able to consider a nanny, so had to go with the local nursery. I think that from a child's or a parent's perspective,10 hours a day in sole care of a highly qualified nanny who adores them compares well vs 9 hours a day of shared care at a nice but busy nursery with high staff turnover, for example.

You're suggesting the choice is being a sahp or a senior career person - which it will be for some, but for far more there's no real choice not to work, in which case aiming for something senior makes sense for many.

More anecdata- I work in a majority female, degree/PhD educated environment and its increasingly common for women to have 3 or 4 kids and come back to work. Some silly buggers like me are single parents working full time with 3 kids... better maternity leave and shared parental leave is definitely enabling more professional women to have bigger families.

@Shopkinsdoll fine, you have no personal ambition. Many others do however and this is a support thread for them.

OP thanks for starting this thread.

There's no easy answer but looking at my group of friend's with children where both partners work in senior positions, some themes emerge:

• equal share of chores and childcare

• family help (not all by any means but quite a few rely on GPs to some degree for school hols and similar)

• a shift to more flexible positions.

Those of us who've done this have made a trade off, moving from top 0.1% earners to top 3-4% say, for greater flex whilst still earning more than enough and enjoying a stimulating career. Not all careers can be flexed in this way though and not everyone is in a financial position to afford it.

The people I really feel for are those working long hours for mediocre pay with no hope of flex for many years. Too many people in senior positions enjoy flex without offering it to all, this is holding parents back in the workplace.

BlueSkies isn't that a bit rude and demeaning towards the people I assume you have paid to do the skivvy work in your house and with your children?

I have more qualifications than my DH and we are both professionally qualified so I am not talking 2 O-levels, but I have taken some time out to be with DS.

I think as long as you make sure you do have time to hang out with your kids it's great, but I assume in a very senior position that probably isn't always possible, as I assume you are always on call so to speak. And I think hanging out isn't just the luxury holidays you can pay for, but just chilling on the sofa watching your favourite tv programme, letting them chat about their day, go on and on about Minecraft. It is the little things that you probably miss out on most.

@ineedaholidaynow

It's a huge leap to imagine "career women" miss out on the "little stuff". I do live in the same house as my DC and our paths actually cross throughout the day

The fact that I don't have to bother myself with doing laundry, tidying up, making dinner (which certainly took a lot of my time when I was a SAHP) means plenty of time for small stuff, including last night a game of monopoly, two episodes of stranger things with the older DC and dinner at pizza express where ^shock horror!> we talked about, amongst other things, fotnite and whether a narwhale squishie was superior to a heart shaped squishie with wings

I find it odd that we say career women miss out on the "little things"- but don't say that SAHM miss out on what I assume are therefore by implication the "big things" (work satisfaction, financial independence, mental stimulation, upskilling or whatever else career women get out of their jobs that they couldn't get at home).

Let me set the record, I can give my opinion if I god damn want. I’m finding quite a lot of your comments rather rude and ‘ up your own arse’. What makes you think I’m a stay at home mother? I’m actually an paediatric nurse, which I love my job. I work 9 till 3. I certainly put my kids first not like some of the career driven. So no I don’t ‘ skivy all day as you put it, I look after sick children. I’m finding a lot of your comments quite defensive, which is probably down to guilt.

There were people on here talking about having both a daytime and an evening nanny, so I assume they do miss out on the small things and their paths won't cross that much during the week especially. And I assume with a regime like that most of them don't have time off in the school holidays apart from when they actually go away. And weekends may not be as sacrosanct as they should be.

Goosta the little things I am referring to are the simple things you do with kids, not big ticket things, which actually especially where small children are concerned, are the best thing about being with mum and dad eg reading bedtime stories. DH would always try and get home to be able to do that with DS when he was little, and he was even known to read one over the phone if he had to be away for work.

If you work consistently long hours, whether you are mum or dad, it's those sort of things you probably miss out on most. Doesn't mean you have to be SAHP or not career driven.

I just can’t believe that some people would talk about sending children away to boarding school as there career comes first. Why have kids?

Disappointed to see this thread being increasingly derailed- if you don't want to try and be a senior career woman, don't. If you get there and don't like it, stop. But what is the point on coming on here and saying you'd never make the choices that these women make? Fine. I'd not make the choice to be a SAHM, but I wouldn't comment on a thread about how to improve quality of live as a SAHM and say "don't do it, what was the point of getting an education if you're just sat at home" etc. Pointless.

Thank you for all those who are contributing properly- as a junior career woman it's giving me lots of inspiration and food for thought!

I agree. The fact that women can't discuss how to balance a career with motherhood without criticism and faux concern is totally depressing.

Do whatever works best for you and your family, but don't judge other women for choosing differently.

shopkinsdoll the most judged I have ever felt as a career woman is by nurses when my dc have been ill. They weren't very nice and didn't appear very well educated or even particularly knowledgeable about their field. They raised their voices, were reductive and dismissed the opinions of others. Regrettably I can see a theme.

Your language does not make me feel grateful that you work with children. Anyway, just packing up now after an 11 hour day.

@Goostacean totally agree

It’s the big things that really make a difference to me as an individual and the family benefit massively too.

I like being promoted, receiving validation that I’m excellent at my job with being given flexibility and bonuses in return.
I enjoy meeting clients, new colleagues and enjoying picking and choosing the social engagements that come with that.

My family benefit because they don’t just see a frustrated stressed and bored me at home all the time.
That’s not to say other mothers at home would be like that but I know I would be.

I like that my son sees me go out to work and have an equal part at contruibuting to finances and that he sees his father having an equal contribution to the day to day stuff too.

Shopkinsdoll Just to say I totally agree with you!