Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

I was talking about the small things from a child's point of view. Yes the big things are important, but as with most things in life, concentrating on the big things can make you lose sight of the small things.

OP herself has said her DH helps with admin etc at home but spends very little time with the actual DC. Spending time with DC doing the small things is important.

One of the male senior partners at DH's company looks down on other males in senior roles who try and get home in time to do the bedtime routine and spend time with their DC before they go to bed. He doesn't see the point especially if there is a SAHM in the picture. He is an example of someone who has lost sight of the little things.

Goodness me.

Tbh I don’t really care for the opinions of those who have become full time Sahps and “don’t understand why”. Wasn’t requesting your input on this thread. Though for what it’s worth I have amazing time with my kids (my DH may not want to but he does because I push him to do so).

Kudos to all of you who are balancing things, both senior and junior. Thanks for all tips, I have lots to think about - will be back to update once I’ve processed and talked to my DH.

To be frank, most senior managers don’t (and I quote) ‘care for opinions’
And that’s fine, that’s what seniors (when the freaking hell did THAT become a phrase) expect.
Jog on to your board position. Wear it, feel it, love it.

How do all you career women earning shed loads of money have time to come on mumsnet?
surely you are too busy doing stuff that we couldn’t possibly imagine.
Can you please go back to your wonderful lives, thank you 🙏

Christ wouldn't it be nice if women could just be comfortable with their own paths rather than sniping at other mothers in order to validate their choices.

Gloria you seem to be taking OP's parenting choices very personally. Are you ok?

Gloria, I work for myself and after nearly 35 years of working full time don't now have a mortgage or childcare costs so life is certainly easier with more spare time.

Also it is people in call centres with calls put through all day who have less time, not those in offices who whilst they may need to be at the desk for 15 hours or whatever they do have on less busy days more breaks in the sense of having time to book an appointment or go on line. That is the beauty of high paid work and high exam results - it is win win for women.

I am our main breadwinner and run my own consultancy. DH has I'll health retirement. He dies all the cooking but when the children were younger needed a nanny to look after the kids.

We had a combination of nanny and nursery until both children were school age. If you are both working you will need a nanny until the kids are independent (teens?). So find one you like! Our nanny was lovely and still babysits for us.

I resented cleaning at the weekends so we have a cleaner who also irons but tbh I would like her for more hours per week.

Also you need a gardener and house keeper. My DH does most of both of these roles ;-).

Sorry does the cooking not kills it!

I too am frustrated that this thread has become a working v SAHM debate. Really if you don't have anything constructive to add to the debate there are literally 1001 other threads where you can bitch and moan about other people's choices. I'm sure you'd be more comfortable on those.

@GloriaSnockers obvs I have loads of fabulous things to do today ( ) but for now I'm MNing from bed - I've showered and had breakfast with youngest DCs, older ones are in bed. It only takes me 20 mins to get to office and I'll be there at 9 this morning. Things are always slightly quieter in August and we're just about there!

I'm sure it comforts some people to imagine that life is a horrific round of stress and strain as a "career woman" but it certainly beats the monotonous relentlessness of jobs I did when younger.

CoastalWave
Thank you.

Imagine a post about SAHMS and then people commented how shit boring it must be and there would be a massive ho- ha. The poster is not asking for comment on her choice of career or working hours in fact she asks for other career women to comment so of that's not your thing I suggest you don't comment. Easy.

@GloriaSnockers Can you please go back to your wonderful lives, thank you 🙏

So are we not welcome on this forum now because we are deemed to be too busy?

My experience is like others, being in a senior position Gives me much greater flexibility and time to do things for myself.
I couldn’t do that in a call centre job, childcare position, or shop work

@Shopkinsdoll does your DH work? How do you feel about him being away from his DC?

I find it really curious that a woman who works and so presumably misses out on some child related activities (unless of course you're going to say that as a nurse you attend every assembly/sports day/music recital etc whilst also having all school holidays off) comes on a thread to bitch that women miss out by having nannies and housekeepers.

I'm interested to know whether you compare yourself to women who do in fact do everything for their DC because they are FT SAHM and find yourself lacking?

Let’s not feed the trolls and trouble makers - they just want to disrupt a great thread.

I am also getting some extra time at home with the kids this week as we are very quiet at work as most of our clients are on holiday and I’m actually up to date on reports

Excellent point @DramaRamaLlama
The women I know choosing to be a SAHP have a DH who works full time and then extra to cover the deficit of having only one salary coming in.

The men don’t often see the children as are home late and only have one day at the weekend free.

I don’t think some people realise the pressure and stress of being the sole earner can bring.

No PP shouldn't be slagging each other over people's choices but the OP did ask whether people in similar situations to her and her DH's ended up going part-time etc, so there will inevitably end up being some discussions about career breaks, SAHPs etc.

DH and I have never been in the income bracket as OP so maybe I am not meant to be on this thread but we have had to make certain career choices since having DC (we are both professionals, DH more senior than me). My thoughts for the OP are to initially throw money at your problems, as you seem happy with your time with your DC, it is everything else at home that you are struggling with. I would have thought with a 7 figure income you would have enough money to pay for live in childcare plus another if necessary to give you the potential of 24/7 childcare, a housekeeper, PA, cleaner, gardener and whatever else you need.

This would then take away any stress of worrying about if meetings over ran/clashed so would be late for nursery/school run, cover any situations if you are both away for work, let you have the me time at the weekends that DH wants and also give you couple time as well. (These are all things DH and I struggled with after having DC) All the time you have with the DC will be quality as all the household stress and work is being done for you. Then if this doesn't work then re-evaluate your lives.

DH and I were rubbish at juggling everything it caused us so much stress, but we didn't have the OP's sort of money to throw at it. Our breaking point came when DS was ill so couldn't go to nursery and our initial thoughts were whose job is the most important so the other one could have time off to look after DS, not "oh no poor DS, he's not feeling well". We knew at that point something had to give. I was made redundant soon after, which sort of made our decision easier.

However, we also ensured that DH wouldn't be in the position that he had to work all hours and not have time with DS too. Does mean that we are not in the same financial position as some of our contemporaries from university/work but that suits our family life. It is not a judgment but is what works for us, which is what I thought the OP was asking for.

I admit I do judge where career (or indeed any) parents are the equivalent of a Disney dad (in a divorce scenario) and think that fancy holidays, gadgets and expensive toys are all that children need, which is why I go on about the little things. I wonder if OP's DH is bit like that (and possibly due to his upbringing) but it appears she is working on him

So anyone god forbid that disagrees with your comments is trolling? What a joke. My partner is a paramedic who works nights, we both work together and juggle the kids that way. We both tried for years to have kids so I won’t have some nanny bringing up my children. Our kids are to precious for that. I sense some guilt in these threads. Some of you are that desperate to get up the career ladder, you won’t have time for the school, plays, nativity. Or general being there for your kids. I couldn’t care less about your feminist drivel. Give me my life 100 times. So if your happy seeing your kids for half an hour a night, good for you. But normal people don’t work like that. So I’m off from this thread. I’m away to spend time with my lovely children.

If you're so happy with your life why are you going out of your way to seek out and criticise women who have chosen a different path?

I have plenty of time for my kids as well as the freedom that comes with financial security. Your children aren't more precious to you working mother's are to them. It's sad that you feel that way

@Shopkinsdoll interesting. So why did you get married if you never see your DH what with him working mirror shifts.... see how this bullshit works yet?!

Stop picking holes in women who have chosen a different path to you.

Really interesting thread, OP

I am much later in my career, so DC well grown (DGC now!) but the struggles you all face are the same.

As has been said, it was easier to juggle when DC were little. I took a year off for both DC, and DH took the next 2 years off - working in fine art, so worked well for him and the family.

I was the first full time working mother at our cooperative preschool (can you imagine?) and was determined to keep working my weekly half day, as was required. I negotiated that flexibility from the start, but it was seen as something quite radical. I'd make up the hours through the week, so no loss of productivity.

Roll onto junior school and that is where we found it most difficult. DH went back to full time work (impossible to live on what he made as an artist) and worked a more standard schedule than I did, but still quite long hours. I began having to travel more and more, and was less and less available as time went on. We outsourced cleaning, but had no family support so depended on after care with a combination of paid help and trading with friends during the week, which we repaid on the weekends. Our family life was chaotic and unsustainable. I kept working more and more and being available less and less.

The DC needed much more guidance and parental presence as they neared puberty. After much discussion, we agreed DH should quit and stay home to parent full time. My career was on a much better trajectory and I am much more ambitious. This worked really well for us, but was again - many years ago - seen as quite radical and he was called Mr. Mom for quite some time. The thing is, he was really good at it. The whole parenting and home business. I am not so much. The change was immediate and enormous.

Yes, we lost his salary, but mine kept going up, so we were not suffering. The DC were so much happier. I was so much happier without the frustration and we spent so much more time together as a couple and as a family. I suspect my marriage would not have survived if we had not made this change.

Hard choices need to be made whether the mother is C Suite or a Cleaner. We are very lucky to have been able to make financial decisions others could not, i.e. live without a second income. My DH has a strong sense of identity, and has never felt less than because of my career. It has worked for us.

I applaud all of us as working women, all of us, who are struggling to find some balance in having a life, a work life, and to be good parents. It is still a struggle we all face. Let's lift each other up, whatever our circumstance, instead of continuing to kick each other. It makes me really sad.

DramaRamaLlama
Because my children come first, we worked out a way that we don’t need to rely on nannies. Why have kids if you are only spending half an hour with them every second night? I’m certainly not picking holes in any threads, your quick enough to criticise my lifestyle choices. Im all for
getting a career, as both my partner are very much qualified for our jobs as we have for years. But I don’t put my career first nor does my partner before my kids. My sister worked in a nursery and there was a few parents over the years putting babies into full time nursery from 8 weeks. Both parents could afford to take maternity leave but decided that careers came first. Wtf.

Can you specify what type of careers should only be available to men and women without children?

Cohle
No I’m certainly not sad with my life, maybe the way your going on it’s you that’s feeling rather sad. I go to work everyday knowing I’ll be home putting my kids to bed that night. Money isn’t everything. I’ve got a great balance of work and home life. My kids aren’t brought up by the local nanny.
💐💐

I think women should be allowed to seek advice and support each other without being condemned by other women. I tend to think those who find that difficult are insecure or unhappy with their own decisions - if that doesn't apply to you then I'm glad.

I find it amusing that anyone who has a nanny is assumed by some to be leaving the bringing up of the children to the nanny 🙄 strikes me as jealously that this wasn't a choice for some people.

Shame that this thread has been derailed. I've enjoying reading and learning from people's experiences.