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SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

177 replies

CharDee · 22/07/2019 11:09

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

OP posts:
Soola · 22/07/2019 11:12

You are married to her brother and are therefore a part of her family.

She’s being unkind.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 22/07/2019 11:14

Well done your DH for not playing along with her shit.

Ignore her games. They’re about her, not you. Your DH is on your side. Don’t let this get to you.

Chune · 22/07/2019 11:15

One of you message back and say you’ve both decided neither of you want to know. Then carry on as normal.

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itbemay · 22/07/2019 11:15

Text her back and say that you were surprised that she didn't class you as family as you are married to her brother! and you can't tell her brother that he is being ridiculous, because he isn't.

She sounds like a total drama llama....
Keep out of it all as best you can and sorry for your losses

CurbsideProphet · 22/07/2019 11:17

She sounds very keen on being centre of attention. I've had the experience of not being seen as family too and I wasn't included in the family photos at the wedding of my fiancé's sibling. I agree it's very mean to not see you as family. You sound a very kind woman to have given her your pram when she is so uncaring towards you.

frazzledasarock · 22/07/2019 11:17

Your SIL sounds like a spectacular thundering cunt.

I’d block her and if completely ignore her.

I always find other people’s pregnancies utterly boring. When they get all precious about telling/not telling the sex. I mean who gives a shit, you’re taking a polite interest despite your own personal grief.

She needs to get over herself, she’s not the first woman to ever have a baby.
She really sounds like she’s trying to rub your nose in it.

Ignore her.

That should piss her off spectacularly, she sounds like she’s thriving on the drama.

LittleLongDog · 22/07/2019 11:17

Exactly what @itbemay said.

Sorry your SIL is being so ridiculous.

Nonnymum · 22/07/2019 11:19

She sounds ridiculous but your husband sounds lovely. I would let him decide how to handle it and just keep out of it, and ignore her very odd behaviour

Happyspud · 22/07/2019 11:20

Some women when pregnant use it as a control thing with other people. Using the ‘news’ in a kind of nasty way but as they are pregnant they are above reproach. Just let her get on with her self absorbed games and remember that it’s all just a reflection of her.

Sorry for your losses.

CremeEgg2 · 22/07/2019 11:20

Sil needs to realise noone is as interested in her baby as she is. Disengage from her.
Well done to DH for not putting up with her dramatics.
If anything is said in the future, i wouldn't be able to stop myself from a sarcastic "oh are you pregnant, it slipped my mind."
She is being a knob!

IvanaPee · 22/07/2019 11:22

I don’t understand!

Does she not want you to know at all because you’re not family? Confused

needsome · 22/07/2019 11:23

Sorry for your losses OP Thanks

I'd probably not reply but if I really wanted to I'd probably put something along the lines of "yes we have spoken and I'm a little disappointed you don't see me as family. DH is an adult capable of managing his own and if you have anything to tell him I'm sure you can do it directly." And don't get involved in the drama.

CharDee · 22/07/2019 11:23

Ah I'm so glad it's not just me over reacting. She does like to be centre of attention and was upset that DH got married before her because she's older 🙄 which meant that in our wedding photos she either looks furious or has blotchy eyes from crying.

I have always been nice to her and had to be the bigger person in a few occasions. This has really annoyed me though!

OP posts:
needsome · 22/07/2019 11:24

I think your update kind of tells you everything you need to know.

Drama llama who is pregnant to top it off. Steer way clear.

heronontoast · 22/07/2019 11:24

Well done dh - sounds like he handled that well. She doesn't get to tell her brother what he is allowed to speak to his wife about.

I don't think I'd engage with her at all in your shoes and perhaps you and dh could avoid family gatherings for a while.

itswinetime · 22/07/2019 11:24

Pps are right you should call her out but honestly I wouldn't I would just reply that you agree with dh it's best he doesn't know so he can't slip up and end the conversation. Anything else in my opinion feeds in to her drama llama ways! Don't feed the drama llamas is always my motto these days!

itswinetime · 22/07/2019 11:27

And after seeing you say she has form this I would take a massive step or 30 back

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/07/2019 11:27

Send her text to your DH and let him deal with it.

You don't have to engage woth her, she has her own demons, it seems!

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2019 11:32

"Sorry SSIL, I don't feel it's my place to interfere as you've made it clear you don't consider me famiy"

Then put the pram on Ebay

I'm sorry for your losses x

CharDee · 22/07/2019 11:37

I've replied I think this is a family matter and I'd rather not get involved thanks. Grin

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 22/07/2019 11:41

Take the pram back cause you are not family.I hate shit like this.Let everything go through your DH,and just take a step back.

And im sorry for your lossesFlowers

NormaLouiseBates · 22/07/2019 11:43

Probably really petty of me but absolutely no way would I be giving her that pram after being treated like this. Have you already given it to her?

I'm very sorry for your losses OP Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2019 11:46

Ah crap she's already got your pram hasn't she?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/07/2019 11:46

She sounds like a bit of a drama llama and yes I can imagine it is annoying.

Sounds like DH has got your back through; so just let her crack on with her weird games.

in our wedding photos she either looks furious or has blotchy eyes from crying that did make me laugh though. Silly cow. Blow up one of these and have it framed for next time she comes to visit.

mussolini9 · 22/07/2019 11:51

She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

SiL is trying to demonise DH for being a good husband to you.
She is ridiculous, divisive & patronising.
However ... that's only a problem if you let it be. Your DH is on your team & refusing to hear her news unless you are included.

Your best response is cool, polite indifference. That way, SiL's nasty, attention seeking attempts to control you fall flat. Keep focusing on your DH's loyalty to you, & remembering what's important.

Very sorry about your miscarriages. SiL would be very out of order to bang on & on about her pregnancy, even only knowing about one of your recent losses.

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