SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

[CharDee]

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

Tell her your surprised and upset that she doesn’t consider you family especially as she has accepted personal and expensive gifts so you understand she’ll now want to return them.
Daft cunt.
op.

I can't believe she's actually called you to try and get you "on side" about you not being her actual family!!
Does she have rocks in her head?
How very fucking rude, insensitive and rhino-hided of her!

You poor love, I think she's an utter twat and I hope your DH takes her roundly to task for it because she's a cow.

What a nasty person tell her shes being the ridiculous one-actually texting you to say i want to tell my brother but not you fucking cow

She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous

Sorry but this is just shit stirring. Hopefully when baby arrives she'll be too busy to carry on with this ridiculous behaviour.

You're right to stay out of it and DH is right to support you.

Yes well done your dh. How often do we see posts on here where the dh cannot stand up to his own family? I'm so glad he has stood up for you both xx

Sorry for your losses. Here's hoping you get the news you want soon too.

Ignore her, she is being a drama llama now and I suspect it will only get worse as the pregnancy goes on!

Oh she’s nasty. I can see this turning into your husband being uncle and you’ll just remain whatever your name is, not auntie.

On the plus side as you're not family you don't need to buy a gift when the baby is born, or Xmas or birthday presents. You never need to attend any birthday/christening celebrations or babysit

And on top of what DrDentyst has said, you don’t need to be giving brand new expensive pushchairs either.

She already has the pram she has already asked if I could have the baby on one of my days off when she goes back to work and I said I'd have to let her know nearer the time incase things change at work. Now it's definitely a no!

I would (want to ) text back saying that you and DH believe that a healthy marriage is about not having secrets from each other - even such trivial ones....In real life though I’d probably just ignore (the text) and be civil to her without engaging any further than you have to for good family relations (even though she doesn’t see you as part of the family.....). Mind you it’s a good excuse to not attend any naming ceremony or Christening or suchlike in the future which tend to be hideously boring affairs IMHO.

Having a child will have a massive impact on her life. She will, at some point, require some favours and/or babysitting. When the time comes remember to disengage , after all, you're NOT family.

She's a self obsessed idiot.

Ooh seen your update - that’s a No from me too!!!

I'd message her and say *"also, given your feelings towards me, I think it's for the best that you find alternate childcare for the baby, I'm sure you'll want him to be with family"

Your text to her needs to be "so not content with trying to power play me out of the family i am married into, you are actively trying to manipulate people into keeping secrets from their partner. This childish behaviour is bullying. I don't understand your justification for something so mean. I have afterall said that you can have our pram and I clearly wish you no ill. If this is the way you feel about me, to try and undermine me and my marriage, then I'm sure there is someone else FAR more deserving of our generosity than you. To be clear, I am NOT going to tell my husband he is being ridiculous for standing up for me - his family. It goes to show what a great man he is if he is so able to spot vile and childish behaviour AND call that person out on it. You will get no support from me on this point or much else tbh. Grow up."

Why does she think you'll care what the sex is? It's going to be one or the other at the end of day.Shes a weirdo.

Oh god YANBU at all. And yes make sure the babysitting is a decline. She's a drama whore and no doubt nothing you did would ever be good enough. Plus if you're not family why would she want you to have her child

Massive no to the childcare! CFuckery!

I'd go and take the pram back tbh.

and tell her to pay for a fucking childminder like everyone else.

Be nice if you can. Text back and say you and DH are both looking forward to seeing her and excited to discover the baby’s sex face to face.

No way would I look after her baby if she has said she doesn’t consider me family!

Ha ha She’s shot herself I the foot.

Definitely tell her.

‘It’s rather strange that you asked me to look after your baby one day a week but have told my husband that you don’t consider me as family.

Given your feelings or lack of them towards me, I think it’s best you find someone else to look after your baby for free!’

I just saw your update - the nerve of her!

She needs massively put in her place. Don't not under any circumstances make yourself available for babysitting. Why should you when she treats you with such contempt?

DH has just called and apologised for her being an absolute twat. It's not his fault though. I asked him how long until mil gets involved and he said he imagines we'll have heard from her by the end of the day can't wait to see what she says and how she tried to justify SILs behaviour this time!

Your H sounds wonderful. She sounds nasty and spiteful. I’m so sorry for your losses

Tell her to take her precious to nursery like everyone else.

What a bitch,

I’d message back ‘ since I’m not family, you need to speak to Dh yourself. Please return the pram as it’s needed for a family member’

If she asks about childcare say no. Cheeky cow.

well she did at least give you an out for the childcare... it is something that really would be best done by FAMILY, not some stranger married to her brother...