SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

[CharDee]

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

So as a nursery manager you are looking after the needs of small children all day long and she expects you to do it on your day off too! HA!

I used to be a nursery manager and there's no way in hell I'd be looking after someone else child on one of my days off!

Her baby is either a girl or a boy. Why does she think it is so important to the rest of the world? I can not stand all this ‘gender reveal’ stuff and I’m ever hopeful when I see them that the baby actually comes out as the other one and they got it wrong on the scan.

As for the childcare, definitely tell her where she can put that idea! Your day is not for looking after her child, presumably for free!

I'm so sorry for your losses. Your SIL is being an attention seeking idiot who is trying to create as much drama as possible. The best way to deal with these people is not give them a reaction, I know it's easier said than done though.

Ask her for the pram back, say you are trying for another.
Then ignore her, and at the next family gathering state in a loud voice how it's great that she's keeping the gender a surprise. She'll look a dick, coz everyone else will know what she's done.

Surely dh will tell you anyway? If you have to see her be wearing the relevant colour t shirt. Give the bitch the rage!

Well done to your DH.
Tell her you don't want to know and that you think it's best left as a surprise. She'll tell you then.

Lord, doesn't she realise that the sex of her baby is only a big deal to her?! I mean it's a girl or a boy!

I wouldn't rise to it in any way. I would turn all conversations away from babies when I'd had enough and refuse to engage in any speculation. Honestly some people think they are the first person on earth to have a baby don't they

I've replied I think this is a family matter and I'd rather not get involved thanks.

Lmao! That is an awesome answer. 😁

Good grief. Who gives a crap about the sex of an unborn baby, aside from the parents, siblings (when there are any old enough to care), and the grandparents? Aunts, uncles, etc. may have some degree of interest, but I don't think many are particularly bothered to learn before the baby is born.

I know the "gender reveal" thing is popular now and that some think it's attention-seeking, but at least it's harmless fun. Knowing the sex but telling just certain people is outright strange.

She sounds horrible, not including you as a member of the family. I wouldn't care if she was upset, and frankly, I might tell her the truth-- that you feel you are family, but that you and your husband will muddle through somehow without knowing the baby's sex until s/he is born. It'll be a challenge, but somehow you'll manage to survive this crushing blow.

I can’t believe that she is oblivious to how nasty this makes her come across!

Ugh. Now I see that she's asked for free childcare?! You work in a nursery. Does she really think you want to take care of someone else's baby on your day away from taking care of someone else's baby. There is no way in hell I would do that. Good job deciding not to be available!

(And yes, your reply that you don't want to get involved because it's a family matter is excellent! )

Next time you're around her, make a show of not wanting to know the sex of the baby, hands over ears, 'ooh make sure you don't let slip about the baby, I love surprises'. She will 'spoil' it for you by telling you, then you can laugh and tell her you knew she wouldn't be able to resist. Then change the subject.
I love being petty around passive aggressive people, it takes away their power.

She wants drama and attention any attention negative begging any the best thing you can do is not engage her. No fuss about the sex no drama no big hints about families ect. Just don't engage when she brings up childcare again I'm sorry I don't think that's a commitment I can make at the moment. Even people try to get involved and cause drama (MIL). Either as you have done but it back to your DH or just say without any digs. It's important to SIL it is a surprise we would hate to spoil that by accident. If you stay calm then they don't get what they want which to be is wining!

Love the response and I would keep up the same line with MIL - it's a matter for close family and it's been made clear that doesn't include you. Given that's the case I'd take the pram back and sell it to fund a last minute break.

Cheeky unpleasant fucker.
Do not engage !

Haven’t got much to add except your DH sounds like a total gem, and you sound wonderfully strong. Stick together and you will be grand xx

You and your DH sound lovely.

Cheeky unpleasant fucker
Exactly. It goes a little beyond “normal” attention seeking behaviour, you’d call a 7 year old on this sort of shit.

I always find other people’s pregnancies utterly boring. When they get all precious about telling/not telling the sex. I mean who gives a shit, you’re taking a polite interest despite your own personal grief.

A million times this! Unfortunately my close family are obsessed with babies. Having to feigni excitement over gender reveals and baby names is wearing very thin atm so my tolerance levels for this kind of bullshit are low.

Roll your eyes and ignore. If she, or your MiL, brings it up with you tell them you're not that interested. and tell them to bore off

Text back and say oh goodness no, you don't agree with finding out before the baby comes so you're happy finding out when it arrives.

Mil has got involved now 😂

She has called me to ask about some work we are having done because she wants something similar and then changed the conversation to SIL being upset that DH doesn't want to know and that SIL was so excited and involved during my pregnancy so it's only fair that DH is the same.

I just told MIL that DH treats BIL like he is part of the family, which he is, and it's only fair that SIL treats me the same. MIL asked if she could get SIL to change her mind about telling me would me and DH feel better? So I said it's up to SIL who she tells but hearing that she doesn't consider me to be family was hurtful and I doubt her being forced to tell me something would in turn force me to forget what had been said. As for DH it's up to him but she should know by now that DH is rational, kind and a pretty decent husband so he will probably stand up for me in these kind of situations. MIL said it's hard for SIL because she's seen how excited everyone else was when I was pregnant and is upset that the same isn't happening for her so I said that we have been excited, I have given her things for the baby, I have bought her gifts and sat and spoke about all things pregnancy and baby related. If something has changed after today maybe SIL should have a think about why that is.

Mil then said that I know sil can be delicate at times and now she is hormonal it's bound to make her worse so I told mil that it's nothing to do with me and that I'm not responsible for how the consequences of her behaviour makes her feel and I'd rather not discuss it anymore.

DH is furious that his mum has tried to get around me and is going to call her tonight when he gets home.

This whole situation is just ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous!

No offence, op, but they all sound like simpletons . I hope your dh makes it very clear that they all need to leave you the fuck out of their nonsense going forward.

Well done for sticking up for yourself and for your DH being firmly on your side 🌟

Well handled!