SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

[CharDee]

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

It'd be tricky looking after a baby if you can't know it's sex.
Call the baby to be 'it' a lot
And cut down on all those family occasions as you're not family!

@CharDee Good work on the It's a family matter
Definitely forget it on the childcare. Not in spite but given this and her behaviour at the wedding you know it would be a thankless task with constant dramatics.
And your husband sounds great. Bless him.

It’s going to get worse you know. Speaking from bitter experience. My advice is to make up some project you are working on that has left you very busy. Just don’t get dragged into her drama.

She’s definitely doing it for attention. I’m sorry she’s so insensitive

Sounds like she is worried in case she upsets you, i think your overreacting. She is clearly happy but also aware of your miscarriage. Yabu.

@WomanLikeMeLM - Sounds like she is worried in case she upsets you, i think your overreacting.

Yeah. The best way to ensure you don't upset a family member is to ensure they know you don't consider them family and then ask them to tell their dh he is ridiculous to think his dw is family.

@WomanLikeMeLM so she wasn't worried about her feelings enough to get OP's DH to quietly tell her about the pregnancy in a place where she could react safely, but she thinks saying OP can't know what genitals the baby has as she's not family will make it easier on op??

Good lord and I thought my SILs were batshit. Nice reply! SIL does realise that at some point the child will vacate her body and you’ll find out what it is then doesn’t she?! It’s not a very good controlling tactic, as far as they go. My SIL tried the same with her last baby. Found out what they were having, told their two older kids but wouldn’t tell the rest of the family. No one was that fussed and it all ended up backfiring spectacularly when her then 6 year old told THE WHOLE FAMILY over Sunday dinner 😂

Wow OP - sorry for your losses

SIL is obvs being a Twat - not just in not saying your are not family but to say you're not family despite asking you for (presumably free) childcare. You mention MIL may get involved. Will she be on your side or SIL's?

Sorry for your losses. Get that bloody pram back. Give it to someone worthy.
Sounds like a great opportunity to cut her loose.
After all she isn't family...

@WomanLikeMeLM I can see why you could think that but I'm sure that's not the case especially with everything else that she has done in the past.

She doesn't know about my recent miscarriage and I'm not going to mention it to her. After another miscarriage she said some really insensitive things that left everyone in shock.

Since she's told me her news she has turned every single conversation back to pregnancy and babies. I am a nursery manager and I have friends who have just had babies or are pregnant so constantly surrounded by children or babies. I'm ok after the miscarriages and our decision to not have any more children. She knows that I can cope.

This is definitely her way of being centre of attention and having some sort of power or control. I'm sure she wanted DH to beg her to tell us both or for me to get upset and tell her I really want to know.

Have the baby 1 day, get the pram back then cancel the arrangement...

@CharDee, congratulations on your response. You turned the tables very neatly there: kudos to you.

Now I would recommend you block the bitch. And I don't use unpleasant, pejorative terms like that at all lightly. But really, a person who would consciously use their pregnancy to rub someone's face in the fact of their miscarriages: well, it hardly needs saying does it? Is it actually possible to sink any lower?

Not only does this woman want a drama at your expense, but she is actively trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH by giving him information she doesn't want to be privy to. BTW, your husband is a keeper. So pleased to read he's refused point blank to get involved in any of her BS.

The woman is clearly determined to create drama at your expense. Cut this off at the knees, and don't let her see any chink in your armour.

I'm sorry about your losses. I've been there, it hurts. And it amazes me that anyone with a soul would want to compound the pain of people who are in this position. But sadly, a lot do. Sending you lots of positivity - and a big 'fuck you' to SiL

Maybe send her an invoice for the pram?

I'm sorry for your loss and fwiw I think you're SIL is being incredibly insensitive

Ask for the pram back, because as you aren’t family, you would like some money for it.

She's being a massive twat - YANBU.

I'm actually embarrassed for people that behave like this, being precious and 'top secret' or having huge fanfare 'gender reveals'.

It's fine to be excited about having a baby but jeez...

Sorry for your losses OP.

I wouldn’t get petty about the pram as that will give her more fuel for the drama.

Use the grey rock method and don’t engage.

A drama llama and pregnant. Avoid, avoid, avoid...

I sometimes think my family are a bit of a pita but then I read what some people have to put up with and it blows my mind.

Your SIL sounds callous and cruel. Even if she doesn't like you (not saying this is true), to put her own brother is such a situation and be miserable on his wedding day is the opposite of good family.

I think I'd be tempted to ignore the text and maintain a cool, surface-polite distance and would absolutely find myself unable to provide free childcare. I'd focus all my energy on loving and being loved by people I am happy to call family (e.g. DH).

Cheeky madam.

Your DH sounds great, shame your SIL is a bonkers attention seeker.

I’m so sorry for your losses. You have been nothing but kind to her and strong too. I had losses, I wouldn’t have coped well with any of this at all. You’re doing your best, she’s just being self absorbed and a bit loopy.

she knows that I can cope. Maybe don’t bend too far backwards in your attempt to be nice and reasonable, op? It’s ok to acknowledge that her behaviour is appalling.
I’m surprised your dh hasn’t actually laughed her out of the room, rather than just gently remonstrating with her. Does the whole family have form for tiptoeing round her antics?

Oh my goodness OP - she sounds a nightmare. Definitely don't get dragged into doing childcare when she goes back to work!

She sounds like an attention seeking drama queen who wants all eyes on her. She s using pregnancy news as a way to keep everyone fawning over her.

Im sorry about your losses, keep the high ground, your DH sounds wonderful.