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SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

177 replies

CharDee · 22/07/2019 11:09

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

OP posts:
bpirockin · 22/07/2019 12:18

Yes it's her prerogative, but she is being unfair and mean - as your DH said, you are family.

Kudos to your DH - how lovely to hear of a sensible man who's got your back and didn't get drawn in.

KitKatCHA · 22/07/2019 12:19

What a bitch! Take great delight in telling her that babies belong with family so it's a big fat no on the childcare.

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/07/2019 12:20

I'm confused about the pram and you not having any more DC. Do you have DC or have you none but decided to not try for any anymore so the pram is brand new? . Either way you are a bigger person than me especially with a cow like this, even if she was a complete sweetheart l would find it incredibly hard to see her pushing my pram that my baby should've gone in, but someone like her, hell no. Very sorry for your losses.

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Annonymiss123 · 22/07/2019 12:20

I’m sorry for your losses. 🙁

she has already asked if I could have the baby on one of my days off

The clue is in the words “day off”. 🙄 I work, and certainly wouldn’t want to mind someone else’s child on my precious day off. I presume she didn’t offer payment..

Your DH sounds fab.

Inthesummertime · 22/07/2019 12:21

It's her decision to have children whether or not she's always wanted them isn't really your business. Why do you care about the sex anyway? She can tell whoever she wants just ignore her, she's just trying to get some attention. If you don't like her much though why did you give her your pram?

I think you are just better off blocking her, by the sounds of it you're going to find it quite difficult once this baby arrives. My own sil had a miscarriage and then decided they wouldn't try again. We had our first child as she had the miscarriage and our second as they decided to give up. They didn't see us or meet our second child until he was 6 months old and that was only by accident! I sort of understood why they avoided us but I just left them to it, still invite them to things but wait for "we are busy" reply. 2 years on they love our children and are a big part of their lives. A bit of space might be what you need to come to terms with it and not be around a newborn.

Xyzzzzz · 22/07/2019 12:22

so sorry for your losses and deciding not to have any children must have been a hard and throughout decision. Your SIL is absolute cray cray. I hope you stick to your guns and don’t do child care. She’s acted very hurtful and i am glad you have a great supportive DH.

GreenTulips · 22/07/2019 12:23

Bahhhhhumbug. OP explained they brought the pram and then lost the baby, then tried again. Have no decided no more.

Sorry about the losses and SIL is at best being insensitive.

Can’t wait for MIL to get involved!!

onalongsabbatical · 22/07/2019 12:23

Now she wants you to commit to looking after her baby? But you're not family, why on this earth would you do that?
She is seriously seriously self-absorbed OP.
Flowers for you, so sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

Sexnotgender · 22/07/2019 12:30

She’s a total shit stirrer!

I’d definitely be getting your pram back and selling it to someone. And fuck doing childcare for her.

Aridane · 22/07/2019 12:31

I’d block her and if completely ignore her.

Probably not that practical or realistic!

UnderTheTree · 22/07/2019 12:31

She is a total bitch. Be polite but don't offer any favours and keep your distance. You don't need her insensitivity and selfishness in your life.

Your DH sounds lovely, sorry for your losses Flowers

My SIL (brother's wife) said some rather unsavoury things about me and made rather crass comments after I had a miscarriage (which she knew) many years ago. Became obsessed even babies, lost all common decency to other people etc even months after the birth.

She definitely made me pull back from her, never had any desire to do her any favours (tbf I never got on with my brother either) or do childcare. We have been NC now for other reasons.

dustarr73 · 22/07/2019 12:31

Well she has given you an out,say no to childcare.You and your dh can plan lovely things together.Dont tie yourself down in childcare for someone who wont appreciate you.

flumpybear · 22/07/2019 12:33

I wonder if her husbands siblings wives and husbands are being treated so badly!

You sound like lovely people, I hope you change your mind about babies and have a wonderful family (from a multiple miscarriage sufferer too )

HouseworkAvoider10 · 22/07/2019 12:36

She's a twat.
I feels sorry for her poor kid.

higgyhog · 22/07/2019 12:37

just want to say that I think you have a really lovely, caring, husband.

Juells · 22/07/2019 12:39

TBF nobody gives a toss about what sex someone else's baby is, before it's born. Even after it's born, in my case. Tell her that. I couldn't be bothered having drama over something nobody cares about, as if it's an important secret. NOBODY CARES. 😂

DrDentyst · 22/07/2019 12:44

Don't tell her now that you can't do childcare. Don't mention it unless she mentions it and hopefully you can get to as close as possible to her return to work. Then you can remind her that you're not family (and presumably not a childminder). She can then spend the rest of her maternity leave scrabbling around trying to find childcare.

Alternatively, just ignore the whole situation. It will probably annoy her more if you don't care about the sex etc

LillithsFamiliar · 22/07/2019 12:45

I love that you turned her notion of 'family' back on her by saying you couldn't get involved because it was a family matter. Well done! Grin

ImGenderfree · 22/07/2019 12:46

Your DH sounds great. Your MiL and SIL sound nuts though. Cannot understand this approach from parents.

alwaysalso · 22/07/2019 12:48

It's just a weird attention seeking power trip thing isn't it, so sorry for your losses OP Thanks

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2019 12:51

Please say no to childcare.
Agree with what ever is said, then say but you have hurt me, and I worry about bad feeling going forward, so feel better to not get involved.

HeadintheiClouds · 22/07/2019 12:51

She sounds like an obnoxious, attention seeking madam. Glad your DH didn’t engage with her nonsense. Sorry about the miscarriage Flowers

BenWillbondsPants · 22/07/2019 12:52

Some of these suggested replies just feed into the drama. I really would ignore her text. Partly because it doesn't warrant a reply and partly because it'll drive her nuts ...

Your DH sound awesome by the way.

fedup21 · 22/07/2019 12:57

she has already asked if I could have the baby on one of my days off when she goes back to work

Bloody hell-you’re good enough for free (I presume?!) childcare but you’re not family!?

I would love to know what your MIL says about this-do you think she will spin SIL in a good light?

H2OH20Everywhere · 22/07/2019 12:57

You missed a trick. You should have replied that yes, your DH had mentioned it and told you that if SIL got in touch you should tell her how ridiculous she's being.

Definitely no to looking after her baby when she goes back to work - cheeky cow!

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