SIL asking DH not to tell me baby's sex

[CharDee]

SIL is currently pregnant. She found out whilst she and her husband were away and she called DH to tell him but asked him not to tell me because she wanted to.

DH did tell me because I'd had a miscarriage a couple of weeks before and he didn't want it sprung on me but I pretended not to know and acted surprised when she told me. I am really happy for her and BIL and we've had non stop baby talk around her which has been hard but I've not shown her that it's upsetting me because this is her news and she's really excited as am I for her. She never wanted children as she was very career driven and said she couldn't take time off to have a baby but since getting married last year decided that she wanted to have children.

Before this miscarriage we had another one and ended up buying a really nice and quite expensive pram for the baby before I lost it. We've decided that we aren't going to have any more children so I have given this pram to SIL along with lots of other things. She doesn't know about the recent miscarriage but knew about the one before.

She has found out the sex of the baby and called DH this morning to say she wants to tell him but he can't tell me. DH said that she can just wait until we see her this week to tell us both because he's worried he'll slip up and she told him that she's only telling family so she won't be telling me. DH said that I was family and that he was a bit confused as to why she wouldn't tell me. So he's just said that it's up to her who she tells but he doesn't think it's fair to exclude me so if she's not telling me he doesn't want to know. There will be family events where everyone else there apart from me will know and SIL will definitely be talking about pregnancy and babies.

I think this is a bit of a control thing and for attention so I'm glad that DH hasn't engaged but I feel like she won't be too happy about this and might make a fuss about it when we see her this weekend. She has since text me and said that she's sure DH would have told me about the phone call and wants me to tell him he's being ridiculous.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? The whole thing is ridiculous, she can tell who she wants yes but I think to just exclude me and say she doesn't see me as family is a bit mean!

You and your husband sound so rational and sensible, it's clear that neither of you are being silly. Your sil sounds remarkably insensitive and I can't imagine how you are feeling considering what you have had to deal with.

I would place your trust in DH he is a keeper.

At least mil seems to have some sort of idea about what a drama llama your sil is.

Gawd, she's just making herself look even more ridiculous.

I actually don't think you need any extra advice, you've got this sorted pretty much already. You were calm, objective and well... rational! Cue MIL's back-peddling about hormones etc.

Just keep rising above it.

@CharDee I think my reply would be " If I had known I wasn't family I would of given the pram and baby items to someone who see's me as so "

She does like to be centre of attention and was upset that DH got married before her because she's older 🙄 which meant that in our wedding photos she either looks furious or has blotchy eyes from crying.
Oh good Lord! Hope now she's having a baby she GROWS UP, herself! Glad you and DH are on the same page OP. So often on here this is not the case.

she has already asked if I could have the baby on one of my days off when she goes back to work and I said I'd have to let her know nearer the time incase things change at work. Now it's definitely a no!
And she's a cheeky mare as well as having the sensitivity of a brick. Why would she ask someone she doesn't consider "family" to have charge of her child?

I'd go and take the pram back tbh.
I understand the sentiment, but I wouldn't want to descend so low as to reach her subterranean level of empathy.

Also your MIL getting involved (flying monkey style) was very predictable but you handled the situation really well - though you don't need me to tell you!

Strength and light to you my dear, and also to your DH. 🌹

The family is a bit odd. They are all so involved in each other's lives. I'm close to my parents and my siblings but don't have to talk to them every day or see them every week. Don't have to tell them every single thing going on in my life. But DH's family is like this. It was exhausting at first but I've stepped back and DH has too but only when he saw the difference in our families.

SIL will call mil on her way to work (an hours commute) and on the way home. MIL will call DH if she hasn't heard from him for over 24 hours just to check in. I've learnt my lesson now but if DS was ever slightly ill and I'd mention it MIL would badger me at least 5 times a day to see how he was.

You’re handling this so well, OP, but you shouldn’t have to. What a tedious load of nonsense from them! Thank goodness your DH has your back.

@CharDee why is she having a baby if she is this immature?!

Sorry for your losses op
Your SIL sounds very attention seeking, and I know how you feel about her saying your not family, my SIL has said things like this about me in the past and has made it clear through different comments/actions she doesn't see me like part of their family and its very hurtful.
You sound like you've handled the situation very well and your DH sounds great. Try not to let her and MIL annoy you, and if I were you I wouldnt say anything about the pram, shes being ridiculous and would only use that to create more drama. At least now you know not to do helpful things for someone who isn't family.

That’s amazing, honestly, what a total and utter To then go and tattle to Mummy that she isn’t getting her own way is the icing on the cake really isn’t it?

She’s upset that everyone in the family isn’t sufficiently excited about the fact she is pregnant, and that therefore gives her unremitting power to determine who is, or isn’t family. What a self centred ignorant cunt (and I do not use that word lightly).

Cut your losses as far as possible and leave well alone. I had a second trimester loss around 10 years ago, it was painful and horrible, but my life doesn’t revolve around it. My so called best friend since childhood pulled similar stunts during her pregnancy through faux “concern” and being upset that people weren’t excited enough (including announcing it in the middle of our engagement dinner where I had nowhere to hide about my reaction) and I’ve never quite forgiven her. She’s not changed, she never will. Your SIL will always be a knobhead

I think if anything else is said by mil or sil I would reply "I have tried to be enthusiastic about the pregnancy and thought I was being supportive to the the mother of a future niece or nephew, someone I saw as a sister, only to discover that I am not seen as family and these relationships don't exist. I hope you understand how hurtful that is, and that I need time now to reflect upon that. In all honesty the sex of the child was not something either of us wanted to know as we like surprises and it is unfortunate that the "reveal" has in fact bought to light how I am seen by those I called "family". Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth of your child, I hope you enjoy the pram."

Sorry for your loss

I’m pleased your husband is an actual grown up and how rude of your SIL!

Did you say anything to MIL about being good enough for childcare but not being seen as family?

I wonder what she’d say about that?

OP, so sorry for your loses, so painful.

You have handled them very well.

Dil/MIL sound absolutely ghastly.

I definitely wouldn't for moment consider getting more involved with either of them via providing childcare 😳.

Your DH sounds like a rock of sense as do you.

Oh so Sil is now delicate poor diddums.

I bet you will get teh excuse she meant "blood family"

Why do you care about the sex anyway

She doesn't, she cares about being perceived as 'not part of the family'. Surely nobody cares about the sex of someone else's baby, unless it would be the first one of the sex for that generation or something?

SIL is clearly jealous of the OP. Fancy making a scene at the wedding and crying because she wasn't married first! What an idiot!

who ARE these people???

I think let them carry on drama-lama-Ing and just ignore or repeat what you’ve already said. It’s like a play, try and separate and watch the action.

Well the answer to everyhting from now should be...well as I'm not family, no

Wow, I'm sorry your SIL is such a nasty selfish narcissist, but I'm really impressed by the way you and your DH have been responding to her and your MIL! A master class in being assertive with batshit family

You don't need my advice really but I sympathise and I suggest that you and DH take a massive step back from them all, once he's spoken to MIL and said his piece, I suggest you both just disengage from the drama. They will make a huge fuss of course but I think you'll have to wait out the tantrum.

Sorry for your losses

I would fake your phone out of action the rest of the week. Let dh deal with the nasty fuckers. Block them on sm. And be glad free child care isn't being given.

SIL is horrible and massively self centred. I hate it when people are so self obsessed. No one cares what the sex of your baby is! Except you and possibly grand parents. I have a friend who made a big song and dance about not telling anyone after they’d found out and I was desperate to tell her I really didn’t care and would be happy for her either way!

SIL has really shown her true colours now, although sounds like she’s been a cow for ages. Your DH is fab!

She sounds batshit. You need to keep her at arms length, OP and I wouldn't be attending loads of family gatherings with her there..what a nightmare

Hopefully she will grow up after her baby is born and realise life does not revolve around her.

Just disengage as much as you can. I agree with a pp who said they all sound a bit simple.

Well done, OP for managing to stay calm throughout the conversation.

She sounds very immature and controlling tbh! Just wait until the baby arrives and she has to surrender pretty much all control of her life! She was wrong to exclude you though.

How old is this woman? She needs to grow up and MIL needs to stop enabling her behaviour