If you’re married but didn’t change your name what title do you have?

[Owlbabie5]

Miss, Ms or Mrs?

Osirus I'd think it's more likely confirmation bias than every woman who uses Ms. is bitter, rude, and obnoxious.

I had a (not that old) bank teller make me stand around for ages while she got a manager because she was absolutely convinced it was the law that women couldn't use Ms. while married. Apparently, their computers say I'm married so when I needed a new card and was asked if I wanted my card to stay the same and confirmed what it said, this freaked her out even after I said I'd be just as happy with no title on my card. Her poor trainee looked so embarrassed.

This was not that long ago, some people have very fixed ideas on titles, but you can use whatever title you want as long as it isn't for fraudulent purposes and its not a protected one. As PP said, it can be awkward on some computer systems made by people with these ideas, but as someone who changed my entire name after marriage, I'm pretty used to being a computer pain in the ass ( I've had to put my birth name in "maiden name" when they're actually asking for "previously known as", some systems are getting better about that). I would have done so sooner, but was told by more than a few that it 'might look dodgy' to legally change my full name very shortly before immigrating and it's a really expensive and lengthy process involving the courts where I'm from compared to a statutory declaration that I could use for everything including my birth country. Now I don't think the Home Office cares as long as you have the paperwork, but I can see why some think waiting until after going through it is safer (and probably paperwork wise as much of a pain either way).

Hey. I'm not insulting or 'feeling sick' at anyone else's thoughts so don't be so insulting.

Again the obey element it's taken too literal. Out vicar explained it in an incredibly emotive way. I do not jump at DHs command and never will. I could explain the reasoning but I think it would fall on deaf ears. The question what's 'did you take name and why or if not etc. I've answered my truth. You don't like it? Fine by me. My choice. I'm not berating anyone else so don't to me.

My first boss c. 1983: ‘Do you call yourself miss, or are you one of them?’
Me: ‘I’m one of them.’
I didn’t change my title or surname when I got married.

Ms

@MrsDeltaB

Nope, it didn't occur to him. At all. Why would/should it?

Why wouldn't it/shouldn't it?

And hey, I even said 'obey' in my vows. I'll give you time to pick yourself off the floor I'm sure.

It's not, unfortunately, in any way shocking or astonishing that you, like many others, have just 'automatically' subsumed yourself to your husband. It's sad & depressing but no one is going to need to 'pick up their jaw'.

Again the obey element it's taken too literal. Out vicar explained it in an incredibly emotive way. I do not jump at DHs command and never will. I could explain the reasoning but I think it would fall on deaf ears

Oh god, this old shite. I've heard this so many times. There's some sort of "aaaah obey doesn't actually mean obey!" bullshit that, embarrassingly, quite a few women still fall for.

Why be so nasty about it? I am able to hear your beliefs and accept them as that:your belief. I am able to accept other views and not derive any disgust or 'sickening'.

I feel if you want your views to be listened too and appreciated don't be so derisive of other people who feel different. You will simply build loathing for what you think you are trying to achieve.

I got married 15 years ago. As an adult. I made an informed decision. That was MY decision, who the hell are YOU to tell me I'm wrong? You could nip off and marry a bloody goat with a troll as the celebrant, I couldn't give a monkeys. Your choice.

I am able to accept other views and not derive any disgust or 'sickening'.

Who said anything about disgust or sickening? Only you.

As an adult. I made an informed decision

Gosh, that was a quick change. An hour ago you said you did it 'automatically' (your exact words),and now it's suddenly become 'an informed decision'.

That was MY decision, who the hell are YOU to tell me I'm wrong?

Women have been disadvantaged, demeaned, controlled and oppressed for thousands of years.

If you, as a woman, choose to actively perpetuate many aspects of that oppression, then you shouldn't really be surprised that other women aren't very happy about it.

Your 'informed decision' (or what you did 'automatically', depending on what you're saying at the moment) makes life more difficult for me and my daughters and friends.

You are part of the system that oppresses women and you are undermining the efforts of brave, strong, women who fought for the rights that you now enjoy.

Why do you think you should be praised for that - or even accepted?

Married for over 25 years. Changed my name on marriage, though I probably wouldn’t if I was getting married today.

I’ve used Ms for years because I really dislike having separate titles for married/unmarried. I don’t make a big deal of it when older people put Mrs on letters to me, but I’m pleased to see that happening less and less.

However Mrs DHfirstname surname really makes my blood boil...

Ms. Have been Ms since I was 16.

Ms for 30 years.

The majority of women on this thread kept their names because the OP asks those women to contribute! My personal experience is that many women still are changing their names on marriage and many people still consider it to be the norm. My own family send me post to a name I’ve never had because I didn’t change my surname and my continued use of my original and only name never permeates!

I'm a Ms.

Although I'm in a weird limbo situation of having changed my name in certain aspects of my life and not others. I wanted to keep my name at work as I have built up a certain level of reputation with my own name therefore wanted to ensure I kept this.

However I did change my name to my husband's name on my driving licence and bank account, possibly in a moment of post-wedding bliss / madness!

I am now in a situation where I have my maiden name and married name equally used in different settings. I do worry that I am one day going to get arrested for fraud or something!

I hadn’t noticed until a previous poster mentioned it but any problems I’ve had about using Ms has always been when I was living in the UK. I’ve been Ms since I started using a title in my teens, so mid 80s, long before I got married. It was never a problem in Ireland, and since I moved back here it’s clear that it’s assumed to be Ms unless I state otherwise.

If I come across a form that needs a title but doesn’t allow for Ms, which is rare these days, I usually pick Mr. When I lived in Germany I used Frau because all adult women are Frau, it’s not linked to marital status.

I use Ms but with my married name. I’ve boycotted Mrs my whole life.

I've a PhD and only use Dr for work. Ms otherwise.

Ms. I've always used it.

I hate Mrs. I'm not property. And I hate that women are still labelled according to marital status in this manner. Men aren't.

I am able to accept other views and not derive any disgust or 'sickening'.

Who said anything about disgust or sickening? Only you.

There has been a 'this makes me feel sick' comment.

As an adult. I made an informed decision

Gosh, that was a quick change. An hour ago you said you did it 'automatically' (your exact words),and now it's suddenly become 'an informed decision'.

As an adult I made an informed decision to obey. The decision to take his surname was, automatic for me. I accept your apology for trying to skew my own words.

That was MY decision, who the hell are YOU to tell me I'm wrong?

Women have been disadvantaged, demeaned, controlled and oppressed for thousands of years.

If you, as a woman, choose to actively perpetuate many aspects of that oppression, then you shouldn't really be surprised that other women aren't very happy about it.

Your 'informed decision' (or what you did 'automatically', depending on what you're saying at the moment) makes life more difficult for me and my daughters and friends.

I have three daughters, how on earth am I making anything more difficult? I think you are doing quite a good job yourself.

You are part of the system that oppresses women and you are undermining the efforts of brave, strong, women who fought for the rights that you now enjoy.

I have NEVER felt oppressed or undermined by what title I use, ever. With reading all of this I'm starting to think anyone that feels belittled or undermined or whatever you want to call it, by what someone CALLS you must be having delusions of grandeur. I think its utterly bonkers to think a persons TITLE express's more about them than the actual person.

Why do you think you should be praised for that - or even accepted?

I don't need your praise and you can take your 'acceptance' and shove it. The majority of posts have expressed differing views and thought process, I have not slated any other of those views however mine have been criticized and ridiculed, which is quite frankly, disgusting behavior and I fear more for my children of people prone to that way of thinking than people able to accept other peoples thoughts or values.

MrsdeltaB on a thread which asked women who haven't changed their name on marriage about their use of titles, it puzzles me that you posted to say you had changed your name. Then you seem surprised that others don't agree with your POV.

I'm happy to sit corrected as I'm content to admit when I'm wrong, I read it as a if you did why and if you didn't why. Either way my misinterpretation doesn't open to door to my choices being mocked and dismissed.

Ms because Mrs maiden name is my Grandma .

Dr, or Ms if not. However the NHS insists on adressing my letters to 'Mrs Rumboogie', presumably because they have my marital status as married. I did not change my name and find this presumptuous and insulting. Mrs Rumboogie is my mother. I cannot, however, find any way of changing it.

Ms.

I use Mrs when it would amuse me to feel like an old-school wife, eg when ordering kitchen catalogues.

Sometimes I use Baroness when a drop-down form gives me the option, because why not? Nobody's going to call the police.

Ms, though as I'm a teacher I get called Miss/Mrs on an interchangeable basis. But they all write Ms on their exercise books. I was shocked when I realised that many of them thought that Ms meant divorced, and now try to educate a bit on that when I introduce myself!

@MrsDeltaB

I have NEVER felt oppressed or undermined by what title I use, ever. With reading all of this I'm starting to think anyone that feels belittled or undermined or whatever you want to call it, by what someone CALLS you must be having delusions of grandeur.

It's nothing to do with a title, or even a TITLE. You chose to stand up and publicly vow to obey your husband, having bought into some guff about how 'obey doesn't really mean obey, aaaaah'.

I don't need your praise and you can take your 'acceptance' and shove it. The majority of posts have expressed differing views and thought process, I have not slated any other of those views however mine have been criticized and ridiculed, which is quite frankly, disgusting behavior

You keep complaining that people are criticising you.

I don't understand why you posted on this thread at all. It clearly asks women who DIDN'T change their name what title they now use.

What title you use is completely irrelevant.

You've taken the absolute most conventional, expected, patriarchal, easy decisions at every single stage. Of COURSE you use 'Mrs'.

What on earth do you imagine that has to do with the question that the OP asked?

Your title has literally no relevance to the thread; and in general, the people whose experiences ARE relevant to this thread are unlikely to think much of your decisions to vow obedience to your husband and to take his name.

Can't you find a more relevant discussion on this whole forum that actually applies to you?

Mrs and then took my maiden name. Ridiculous changing names. My children all have my second name as it's a boy's name anyway as their middle name and my husband's surname. I didn't want to go down the route of double barrelled surnames.

Ms

I once heard that 'Miss, you belong to your dad, Mrs, you belong to your husband' and it really stayed with me

Ms is a newer title, think it was only started to get used mid 20th century?