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Original poster

How to change my kids surnames after marriage? Bio dad won’t consent.

163 replies

FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 21:26

I’ve just got married and have two young-ish bio kids under 12.

My new husband has no bio kids, but these are ‘our’ kids, they call him Daddy. Their bio dad is totally absent for years.

Neither of us have been married before and are both 50.

He’s an Aries, I’m a ....only joking. You know how it goes with not drip feeding Grin !

So the kids have only ever had my surname, I wasn’t married to their bio dad.

But now we want to change surnames so we’re all united as a family.
They don’t want to lose their current surname they said, so I’m going to double-barrell myself and the kids by adding husband’s surname with a hyphen.

However it’s a right palaver Googling how to do this.
I’ve read that I do need a deed poll to double barrell, or that I don’t need to deed poll for myself anyway as I’m married now, or that I don’t need to, but they do, and that deed polls are pointless anyway,...

I’ve read that because their bio dad won’t consent to a name change as he has Parental Responsibility, I’ll have to take him to court (about £300 if I don’t use a solicitor), but I can’t find which local court deals with kids name changes Confused.

It doesn’t come under ‘Family Law:Children’ because that’s only for contact and support issues.

Has anyone changed their bio kids surnames after they got married, (where the person they married has no bio kids of their own), and where the kids bio dad refuses consent? Which law court should I be applying to?

I’m only asking here first tonight, but realise I’ll probably have to instruct a solicitor to do it all for me eventually.
The kids bio dad has had proceedings against domestic violence in the past, so I know he’ll drag it out through the courts to ensure it costs me as much as possible Sad .

There’s so many websites as well, deedpoll this and changeyournameofficial that, who knows how much they’d stiff me for in the small print some of them even say ‘we’ll advise you how to change your name’ not, ‘here’s where to start!’

Any ideas please from someone who’s been through (very) similar? Thankyou Flowers

I have passports to get for holiday and all sorts to do so it’s quite important. (And yep the bio dad is going to contest the taking kids out do the country without his permission too, I’m sure). But that’s another bridge to cross later. Worst bit is I haven’t heard from him for a couple of years, and now he’ll enjoy resuming contact.

OP posts:
Nesssie · 04/07/2019 11:35

OP never said the kids didn't want to double barrel, just that they didn't want to lose their original surname.

Thank god for the one single poster who actually answered the question.

OP, it might be best to post in legal matters as they will give non judgemental legal advice.

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2019 11:40

If your DC are ‘dithering’ and not giving a straight answer, and you suspect they want to please you, that means they really don’t want to change their names.

If you want to match your DH’s name now you’re married, double-barrel your name.

If your DH wants to match the DC’s names, he can change his name.

If your DH and you want to match, you both double-barrel. This sort of ‘by default’ includes the DC.

But don’t change the DC’s names if they don’t want you to.
Everyone you know already considers you all a family. The rest of the world doesn’t care, and still won’t care if you change names!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2019 11:45

If the kids are dithering about what surname they want, @FriendlyRock, then surely it makes sense to leave this issue until they are sure - and then, if they do want to change their surname, you can tackle the legalities.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Family law
BrendasUmbrella · 04/07/2019 12:24

If your DH is 'last in his line' (eurgh) it doesn't matter anyway does it? When he goes his name goes!

But will it? I bet he doesn't have a unique name that no-one else has meaning it will "die out" forever. It's more likely a surname that thousands of people have and will continue on for endless generations. It's such an irrelevant thing for men to chest beat about.

BrendasUmbrella · 04/07/2019 12:26

Your kids don't care, your violent ex could be bought back into the picture. Don't bother with this. Don't bother changing any names, it will affect nothing. Let your DP keep his end of line name, you and your kids keep your name. This issue only carries as much weight as you allow it to carry.

malteserbunnies · 04/07/2019 12:30

The kids are too old now op. They identify with their name and it will be confusing for them. Just let them be who they are already.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/07/2019 13:52

Is there a problem in your marriage? It sounds like you’re trying to force this family unity/ togetherness by having the same surname.

Original poster
FriendlyRock · 04/07/2019 16:07

DrinkFeckArseGirls

Grin We’ve only been married 7 days, bit early for you to psychoanalyse marital problems already !

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendlyRock · 04/07/2019 16:09

BrendasUmbrella good point Smile by bringing it to MN it takes on a whole new bunch of amateur psychology though. Legal Matters might be the best board for it as another poster mentioned.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendlyRock · 04/07/2019 16:12

BurpingFrog Thankyou your’s along with a few other posters is very straightforward advice and opinion, exactly what I was hoping for.

OP posts:
Theyroamoverhere · 04/07/2019 16:15

I never understand this 'carrying on the family line' thing Confused
However at school etc they can go on the register as however they like, it is legal things like passports which matter, but it doesnt really matter, youre a family, name isnt important if youre happy. Focus on that

SavingSpaces2019 · 04/07/2019 16:18

is the last of his family line to continue his name
Same old patriarchal bollocks then.
He's going to die one day anyway and so his 'line' will naturally die also!

purpleboy · 04/07/2019 19:39

@Ginger1982 yes your absolutely right. It should really be checked. Quite disconcerting to think how easily a child could be taken out of the country without a second glance. Especially considering how strict they are now at airports.

HorridHenrysNits · 04/07/2019 20:18

Christ, some women really are desperate to embed themselves in patriarchal traditions. Don't be a twat OP. They're not little ones and they've told you what they want.

RosaWaiting · 04/07/2019 20:25

They don’t want to change their name
Leave it
It’s nice to have mum’s name.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 04/07/2019 20:26

So why was the baby you lost going to have your husband's name? Much easier for all your children to have your name. Dh changing his is a lot less fuss. Also unless both of you double-barrell on marriage it's a bit pointless just for you to do it. I would stick to your own. A new baby could be d-b I suppose.

cuppycakey · 04/07/2019 20:31

I really don't understand women who do this. Sad

letsrunfar · 04/07/2019 20:39

If the children don't want to change and the ex won't agree to it then you're on a definite loser.

Time to think again....most obvious and easy choice as has be said is for new husband to change his name to match yours. It's not even like your asking him to take exes name, it's your family name.

Again like others have said, it's easy to carry on using his name for business purposes.

AnotherEmma · 04/07/2019 20:49

"So the kids have only ever had my surname, I wasn’t married to their bio dad.

But now we want to change surnames so we’re all united as a family."

Three people in the family have one surname
One person in the family has another surname
But that person is a man and therefore he can't possibly change his surname to have the same one as the rest of the family 🙄
Long live the patriarchy
(If he really cared about you all and about the whole family having the same name, he would just change his.)

sevenoftwelve · 04/07/2019 21:02

How is it in your children's best interests to bring a violent man back into their lives just because of the vanity project of changing names they don't want to be changed?

I think you're kidding yourself with "they just want to please mum" and "dithering" routine. Suits what you want to tell yourself that and ignore what they've actually said.

Changing your children's names to make up for your husband losing his own child is possessive and creepy.

whiskeysourpuss · 04/07/2019 21:31

I have a very confusing situation with names...

I changed my name to my stepfathers surname when mum remarried when I was 12 so I was known as Jane Smith but still legally Jane Jones.

Had no issues having anything other than my passport issued under Jane Smith - all exam certificates etc (even my driving license) are in my known as name.

When I was pregnant with DD1 I realised that I'd have to put Jane Jones on her BC with it being a legal document so at this point I legally changed my name (easier in Scotland & I was issued with a new BC).

DD's were given their fathers name (Brown) at birth and when we divorced they were 2 & 4. He had no contact with them & I used my surname (Smith) for them at school etc as it was easier & less hassle. As soon as DD2 turned 16 they both changed their names legally (I could have easily got permission from the courts to change them beforehand but as there was no issues I didn't see the point in wasting the money) - they have Brown as a middle name now (their choice) & again as we're in Scotland they have new BC's.

All of our BC's have a section for notes & it says "formerly known as Jones/Brown)" in this section.

Coincidentally DS's dad was always known as his stepdads surname & had to legally change his name so that his name on DS's BC would be the same as DS's.

DS is the only one in our family who has his original surname.

As to the need permission of all persons with PR to take kids out of the country issue - I don't know where DD's father lives & have no way to contact him so wouldn't be able to get that. It's never been an issue even when their surname was different to mine on passports & as PP's MN is the only place I've come across this.

Given that I have a convoluted situation with names & never had any issues I'm not sure that you need to change the kids names OP (especially as they don't particularly want to).

Agree with others that your DH should change to your name for personal/family matters & retain his own name for professional purposes. It's the most sensible & practical option given your circumstances.

ThePurpleHeffalump · 04/07/2019 21:51

No, it’s not difficult to get a straight answer from children this age, once you remove the emotional pressure of them worrying about pleasing you and wanting to give the ‘right’ answer.
Once they know it’s a truly a free choice without huge negative consequences from those they love and who have power over them.

MulticolourMophead · 04/07/2019 22:04

The children don't want to change their name, so why bother? These are their names, and if they don't want to change, they shouldn't be forced to.

You and your children all have the same surname, and if you want all of you to have the same name, why doesn't your DP change his? Double barrel, using his original surname at work for his business.

Only one person changes name then, less hassle, no contact with the bio dad, and it'll all be legal.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/07/2019 23:31

But you’ve been together longer than 7 days (one would hope). Your DH is not coming across very well here. Why this pressure to upset your children to keep him happy?

Cheby · 04/07/2019 23:57

This is all nuts. DH should change to your name. He can still use his old name for professional purposes if he wants. Sound last like he just wants you and the DC to bend to his will tbh.