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Original poster

How to change my kids surnames after marriage? Bio dad won’t consent.

163 replies

FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 21:26

I’ve just got married and have two young-ish bio kids under 12.

My new husband has no bio kids, but these are ‘our’ kids, they call him Daddy. Their bio dad is totally absent for years.

Neither of us have been married before and are both 50.

He’s an Aries, I’m a ....only joking. You know how it goes with not drip feeding Grin !

So the kids have only ever had my surname, I wasn’t married to their bio dad.

But now we want to change surnames so we’re all united as a family.
They don’t want to lose their current surname they said, so I’m going to double-barrell myself and the kids by adding husband’s surname with a hyphen.

However it’s a right palaver Googling how to do this.
I’ve read that I do need a deed poll to double barrell, or that I don’t need to deed poll for myself anyway as I’m married now, or that I don’t need to, but they do, and that deed polls are pointless anyway,...

I’ve read that because their bio dad won’t consent to a name change as he has Parental Responsibility, I’ll have to take him to court (about £300 if I don’t use a solicitor), but I can’t find which local court deals with kids name changes Confused.

It doesn’t come under ‘Family Law:Children’ because that’s only for contact and support issues.

Has anyone changed their bio kids surnames after they got married, (where the person they married has no bio kids of their own), and where the kids bio dad refuses consent? Which law court should I be applying to?

I’m only asking here first tonight, but realise I’ll probably have to instruct a solicitor to do it all for me eventually.
The kids bio dad has had proceedings against domestic violence in the past, so I know he’ll drag it out through the courts to ensure it costs me as much as possible Sad .

There’s so many websites as well, deedpoll this and changeyournameofficial that, who knows how much they’d stiff me for in the small print some of them even say ‘we’ll advise you how to change your name’ not, ‘here’s where to start!’

Any ideas please from someone who’s been through (very) similar? Thankyou Flowers

I have passports to get for holiday and all sorts to do so it’s quite important. (And yep the bio dad is going to contest the taking kids out do the country without his permission too, I’m sure). But that’s another bridge to cross later. Worst bit is I haven’t heard from him for a couple of years, and now he’ll enjoy resuming contact.

OP posts:
pallisers · 03/07/2019 22:17

to be absolutely honest, if changing their name was going to draw an abusive ex on me, I just wouldn't bother. A rose by any other name and all that. If your children have been parented by your new husband for many years and love him then that is what counts. They didn't have his name for the past 12 years and it all worked out. I have my own name but gave my children dh's . We are a united family and it doesn't matter.

Honestly, I wouldn't be going through these potentially damaging hoops for a name change. Don't change your own name. Tell your children you have always been a family and are still a family and the name is neither here nor there. At 18 if they want to change their names, they can do so.

Alloftit · 03/07/2019 22:20

I honestly don’t see any reason why you would think it’s a good idea to change your children’s names. I also do not see any reason that makes a massive difference as to why your husband couldn’t change his name, or double barrel his name.

AuntieStella · 03/07/2019 22:23

The DC don't really want to change their names. Dpsomdon't change them

You and DH can both go for the double barrel option. Or just DH change his. Both simpler and better outcome than having a totally unnecessary fight (which you may well lose in court) to change the names of DC who do nit want that change.

Or just get used to the idea that the names don't match - it's not an uncommon thing. There are more important things that unite families.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Family law
Original poster
FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 22:25

Fizz there’s no inconsistencies, you just perhaps haven’t read all my replies.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 03/07/2019 22:28

Yes you would have to go to court and he could refuse i think you could say hes an absent father but you say hes abusive so this could just start things up again

Its not worth the hassle

Reallybadidea · 03/07/2019 22:31

How have your children simultaneously witnessed years of domestic violence and been raised by your DH from the age of 1?

Yes, I was wondering that too.

Regarding name changes - it seems that essentially you're prioritising your DH-to-be's feelings above DCs. That doesn't sound great tbh.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/07/2019 22:35

Literally this.
Why doesn't your new husband change his name to yours? Serious question.

Your excuses are a load of rubbish.
Loads of women have professional and married names.

If he wants it that badly he should change his.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/07/2019 22:38

Poking the hornets nest that is a, currently absent and leaving you alone, abusive ex for this reason is just totally reckless tbh. There are very valid reasons you may need to get in touch with him at various stages of your DCs lives, and that will be bad enough having to worry about what he will do, but to do it for this reason, when your DCs don’t even want it, is just bonkers. In your shoes you should be doing everything possible to keep him away from your DC and out of your lives, not inviting him back in for a flipping name change that the DC don’t want and that can be very easily resolved by either you’re DH or you double barrelling.

sacope · 03/07/2019 22:42

The kids names are their identity. You don't need to change them when you get married.

Cano · 03/07/2019 22:51

Your DC have your name, they don’t want to change it. They don’t have their father’s name and don’t need their step father’s name.

You are creating problems and resentment where there could be none. Changing your DC’s names will not make them your DH’s biological DC.

PurpleCrowbar · 03/07/2019 22:53

It's just not worth the faff, if the dc are not on board.

Since divorcing I am known by my name from before marriage (eg was Brown, took Jones on marrying, now Brown again).

Dc are 'known as' Jones-Brown at school now - I teach at their school & they wanted to share my name. Mostly they are called Brown.

Ex-h harrumphed no end about this, before backing down because this is what the kids prefer.

Once they are adults, they can pick either, or continue to double barrel. Fine by me whatever they decide.

The difference from your scenario is the kids were keen to share my name & fully onboard.

You won't be able to force this given both dc old enough to know their own minds & opposition from their father. It's just not going to happen.

If your dh won't consider taking your name, & your dc don't want their name changed, then it's up to you to double barrel both for yourself.

It'll be fine. He can be eg Smith, the dc Bloggs, & you Bloggs Smith. Sorted.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/07/2019 22:55

Why on earth would you go through with something that brings your abusive ex back into your life?

Especially as you say your DH is already their father. The name doesn’t matter in the greater context.

GabsAlot · 03/07/2019 22:58

Oh by the way my dsis takes her son away without informing her bio-dad -hes not interested in his son anyway so why should she

TheRedBarrows · 03/07/2019 22:58

You and your DH both double barrel, leave the kids’ names alone.

purpleboy · 03/07/2019 23:07

I've taken my eldest daughter out of the country numerous time a year for the past 16 years, I've never had to get consent from her father?

Ginger1982 · 03/07/2019 23:38

@purpleboy legally every parent who has parental responsibility has to consent to the child being taken out of the country, unless you have a CAO in place. You should carry a letter confirming consent has been given in case you're ever stopped and questioned, particularly if you have different surnames, but, in reality, few people are ever stopped.

purpleboy · 03/07/2019 23:51

We have the same surname so imagine that doesn't raise any red flags, but my husband (not dds father) has a different surname and still never had a single issue. Tbh I didn't even know about it until I read it on mn as a thing. Travelled all over the world with her and nothing. She has also travelled with other family members with different surnames and only 1 time she was asked who my parents were and when she replied, they went straight through, and that was in the US?
Genuinely never heard of anyone ever having problem and I have a few friends who are separated and all go abroad with dc even with different names. Not sure in the point of 'the rule' if no one enforces it?

minipie · 04/07/2019 00:01

Sorry if I’ve missed something but if the DC don’t want their names changed then don’t bloody change them.

hmwhatsmynameagain · 04/07/2019 00:06

So your kids are surname Y, you have been Ms surname Y, you become Mrs surname Y-X, what's the problem?

Durgasarrow · 04/07/2019 00:11

This plan is silly. Plenty of adult "Bio couples" have double barreled names while kids have single names. If kids don't want to change their names, it will simplify nothing to try to force them. They will change their names back the minute they can legally do so. Trust me on this. I know you want to make a grand gesture to please your husband-to-be, but it ain't gonna happen.

SparklyMagpie · 04/07/2019 00:17

This is yours and your DH's issue to sort out

DC's don't want their names changing so end of really isn't it, don't drag them into something they don't want

You and DH either stay as it is, he takes your name ( hes being such a cop out) or you both double barrel. Kids happy and stay as it is

PerspicaciaTick · 04/07/2019 00:18

You can change or double-barrel your name without a deed poll as you can just use your marriage certificate to prove the reason for changing your name and to prove the link to between the old and new names.Ditto your DH can use the marriage certificate to change his name.

Your DC's name change is another issue entirely as you will need a court order - all the information you need, including how to find the right court, is on this gov.uk webpage www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 00:37

So your husband wants everyone to have the same name but doesn't want to change his name so you plan to force your DC to change their name against their will? That sounds lovely!!!

My husband's mum did this. She changed his name by deed poll to that of his step dad. By all accounts he wasn't nice and she divorced him. She then married again many years later to a lovely man and took his name. My husband, and now me and our children, have the name of some bloke that we've never met and who my DH and his mum have horrible memories of. Why would a mother do this?

Monday55 · 04/07/2019 01:08

@decomposingcomposers how come your DH didn't take your surname and leave the past in the past ?

@OP your oldest child is 6years away from being 18, he can ditch your DHs name then so why bother?

Also your story has inconsistencies as your current DH has raised your kids since youngest was 1 and yet your Ex kept coming back into your life for free food etc? How was this happening under your current DHs nose ? If your kids witnessed years of abuse, so did your current DH? how long have you known your current DH?

maddy68 · 04/07/2019 01:22

You don't need to do it by deed poll. Just double barrel the name and be known as that name. It's still legal.