How to change my kids surnames after marriage? Bio dad won’t consent.

[FriendlyRock]

I’ve just got married and have two young-ish bio kids under 12.

My new husband has no bio kids, but these are ‘our’ kids, they call him Daddy. Their bio dad is totally absent for years.

Neither of us have been married before and are both 50.

He’s an Aries, I’m a ....only joking. You know how it goes with not drip feeding !

So the kids have only ever had my surname, I wasn’t married to their bio dad.

But now we want to change surnames so we’re all united as a family.
They don’t want to lose their current surname they said, so I’m going to double-barrell myself and the kids by adding husband’s surname with a hyphen.

However it’s a right palaver Googling how to do this.
I’ve read that I do need a deed poll to double barrell, or that I don’t need to deed poll for myself anyway as I’m married now, or that I don’t need to, but they do, and that deed polls are pointless anyway,...

I’ve read that because their bio dad won’t consent to a name change as he has Parental Responsibility, I’ll have to take him to court (about £300 if I don’t use a solicitor), but I can’t find which local court deals with kids name changes .

It doesn’t come under ‘Family Law:Children’ because that’s only for contact and support issues.

Has anyone changed their bio kids surnames after they got married, (where the person they married has no bio kids of their own), and where the kids bio dad refuses consent? Which law court should I be applying to?

I’m only asking here first tonight, but realise I’ll probably have to instruct a solicitor to do it all for me eventually.
The kids bio dad has had proceedings against domestic violence in the past, so I know he’ll drag it out through the courts to ensure it costs me as much as possible .

There’s so many websites as well, deedpoll this and changeyournameofficial that, who knows how much they’d stiff me for in the small print some of them even say ‘we’ll advise you how to change your name’ not, ‘here’s where to start!’

Any ideas please from someone who’s been through (very) similar? Thankyou

I have passports to get for holiday and all sorts to do so it’s quite important. (And yep the bio dad is going to contest the taking kids out do the country without his permission too, I’m sure). But that’s another bridge to cross later. Worst bit is I haven’t heard from him for a couple of years, and now he’ll enjoy resuming contact.

I'd leave their names alone too. They are 'their' names to them not your ex husbands. It just doesn't matter whether you and your husband and the kids have the same surname or not.

Why do the kids want to keep their "real" dad's surname if he has been a abusive?

A family isn't about a shared surname, it's about love and respect, support, shared experiences and all that sort of stuff. Be careful op that you aren't so desperate for this new relationship to be better than your old one that you lose sight of what you already have.

Oh sorry I didn't read OP properly, they have your surname I see. Doh.

Monday55

‘Also your story has inconsistencies as your current DH has raised your kids since youngest was 1 and yet your Ex kept coming back into your life for free food etc? How was this happening under your current DHs nose ? If your kids witnessed years of abuse, so did your current DH? how long have you known your current DH?’

No, current DH hasn’t raised the kids since they were 1, I left the kids bio dad when the youngest was 4 weeks old. 2009.
I met current DH when youngest was about 1. 2010.
Didn’t start dating current DH until a couple of years later. 2012.
Me and the kids were around him platonically until we dated proper as he was a family friend, so he was aware of issues with bio dad the whole time, and when police were called to remove bio dad on visits etc.

Kids bio dad used to occasionally visit us after I left, but he wasn’t interested in seeing the kids, despite staying with me, he used me for free food, petrol, accommodation, WiFi, etc.
I wasn’t dating my current DH when kids bio dad visited.

Very different circumstances, but where I live many women keep their maiden name. A passport will always be in your maiden name. I've kept mine, my DH & DS have the surname of my DH. No one bats an eyelid.

Just keep their names, double-barrel yours. Done.

When I changed my sons name I just called him N smith rather than N Jones
It was only a problem when he got to 18 and needed a passport
We changed it by deed poll then with his consent

probstimeforanewname

The kids are just turned 10 and 12. They don’t have bio dads surname they have only ever had mine.

They don’t actually know what they want in typical young kid dithery fashion, they want to do whatever pleases mum. I just suspect they don’t want to change their surname from mine to a double barrelled version of mine and new husband’s. It’s not actually set in stone they don’t want to change, just anyone who tries to get a straight answer from kids this age will know how hard it is !

@Rainbowknickers

What about his NI number? They get that sent at 15 or so don't they? What name was that in?

They don’t actually know what they want in typical young kid dithery fashion, they want to do whatever pleases mum.

Do the right thing and leave your kids names alone. Please.

sacope
That’s interesting because my mother remarried when I was 18 months old and she gave me my stepdads surname, but he didn’t adopt me and it wasn’t deed polled, so all my official documents NI number, NHS number etc were in steps surname, but why I turned 18 and tried to get a provisional driving license they wouldn’t let me as my birth certificate was in my bio dads surname, so I had change back to bio dad surname.

Please don't waste a court's time on this.

sacope we lost a baby together a couple of years ago before we were married.

The kids would have had different surnames to the baby then, as baby would have had husbands surname.

So it would have helped bind them to their new baby sibling back then if they all had the same name, no different to now, now that we are a married family unit, it’s nice for everyone to share a surname.

It still doesn’t make sense that your children witnessed ‘years’ of domestic violence because it appears that they were very little (under 2) when the bio dad was visiting.

@FriendlyRock that's why I asked about the other posters NI, I had the same problem because my mum just called me something else.

I think changing your kids names to suit you is unfair. Your partner should change his name if it's important to you both.

@FriendlyRock I'm sorry for you loss but I never said anything about family I just said that you shouldn't change their names because they don't even know themselves that they want to change.

"it's nice for everyone to share a surname"

It's nice when it works, but it's by no means essential, and in your set of circumstances I really suspect the process involved will do more harm than good in your set of circumstances and it's not worth it.

Sometimes, schools etc will allow for "known as" names that don't match passports etc, particularly if the original surname is still in there. That could be an option for you all.

But if your children are not 100% on board with the idea of changing their names, I'd honestly leave it be even with the schools. My parents changed my surname when I was in my teens. (Slightly odd circumstances as they had originally given me a double barrelled name that didn't match their shared name as they planned to change theirs; then they never got round to it, so changed mine back. I sort of agreed, but only to please them – I didn't actually want to.) As soon as I could, I changed it back to "my" surname. It's all been an unnecessary faff and it's still annoying now with the two deed polls.

On the positive side, your children don't have their "bio" dad's surname. That WOULD have been annoying! Let them keep yours now, and if you want to, you and/or your husband to be can double barrel (his reasons not to are unconvincing, to say the least). They have loved your DP as their father figure for many years, proving the different name thing is not an issue to them and does not impede on their sense of family identity. It is their normal, and there's no need to change it.

Re: holidays, seek legal advice. As far as the law is concerned, you should be asking your ex; but especially as you and the children have the same surname, chances are you wouldn't run into problems in practice. Alternatively, any court orders you already have may allow for you to take the children abroad without his permission for up to a month at a time. This is the case with CAOs, but I'm not sure whether it was also true of residence orders, contact orders etc.

So it would have helped bind them to their new baby sibling back then if they all had the same name, no different to now, now that we are a married family unit, it’s nice for everyone to share a surname.

But everyone won’t be sharing a surname under your plans? You and your kids will be double barrelled, DH doesn’t change.

I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. I’m curious why the baby would have had your DH’s name rather than being double-barrelled?

To be honest - we’re married, each kept our names, kids are double barrelled. I’ve never had issues either feeling like a family or travelling abroad.

My step dad was in my life from very young and he married my mum when I was six, they had 2 more kids together. He kept his surname but my half siblings and me all have my mum’s surname. That was a bigger deal 30 odd years ago, but my mum thought it was important the kids all had the same name, and wouldn’t have dreamt of changing mine. (Although she’s said much later that she’d have quite liked to have shared his name)
I’m obviously biased but I think my parents are right, and almost everyone else is totally wrong - I especially hate seeing subsequent kids get the new dad’s surname, just because tradition. Kids should be at the centre of these decisions imo.

now that we are a married family unit, it’s nice for everyone to share a surname.

There are thousands of married families where one or more members has a different surname. Mine is one of them. It makes not a jot of difference to how we all feel about each other. Nor does it cause any practical issues.

I don’t think it’s right to mess with 10 and 12 year olds’ established names unless it’s something they very clearly and definitely want. Which isn’t the case here. And especially not if it means stirring things up with your nasty ex.

You have to look at the pros and cons here

Pros
“It’s nice to share a name” (in your view, not necessarily your DCs’ view)

Cons
Stirs up nasty ex
Changes names of 10 and 12 year old who are used to being known by your name and are not sure it’s what they want
Risk of them wanting to change again/resenting making this change if you ever split with new DH
Legal process hassle
Gives in to sexist views of your DH

The right thing to do seems pretty obvious to me

Just leave your children's names as they are. If it's desperately important then your husband can change his, I know a few men who have.

The chances are if you keep asking your children they would eventually say yes just to make you happy, that doesn't make it right or what they actually want.

Look, your kids don't really want to change their names. Your DH doesn't want to change his name. It seems the only person making a drama out of this is you. Just let everyone keep their own name and their own sense of identity - there are other ways to create a sense of family and if for you there aren't, you have bigger problems than what everyone is called.

Blimey, this sounds like something from a bygone era. I'm divorced and reverted to my maiden name and DC have kept their Dad's name.

I know lots of people who have blended families and have a mix of surnames.

Given it is going to cause angst, why would you bother, just because it seems 'nice'?

Also, should your ex-H kick off about not giving permission for the DC to go on holiday with you, then it is a fairly straightforward process to get permission from court. To be honest though, if your ex-H hasn't been in touch with you or the DC for a number of years, he won't know that you are going to take them on holiday abroad and therefore can't object, so why not just leave sleeping dogs lie.

I've never explicitly sought permission from my ex-H and no one has ever questioned me. I've taken my DC on holiday abroad every year for the last 16 years I've been on my own with them and not once have I been questioned. I honestly think if you have a return flight booked to a fairly normal holiday destination, you're unlikely to run into issues. Obviously, this is just my experience and not proper legal advice!

I think it's easier if you double barrel and the kids double barrel/change (if they want) once they are the age that they don't need their Dad's permission.

My Ds changed names when he was 2 and it's never caused problems. His GCSE and A-level certificates are in his new names and it's literally one extra piece of evidence that is sent with passport applications etc

Personally I think that your h2b is being pig-headed. Lots of women double barrel and are one name at work and the other in their private life. If he wants to share a name with the kids he should be the one to change to theirs.