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Original poster

How to change my kids surnames after marriage? Bio dad won’t consent.

163 replies

FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 21:26

I’ve just got married and have two young-ish bio kids under 12.

My new husband has no bio kids, but these are ‘our’ kids, they call him Daddy. Their bio dad is totally absent for years.

Neither of us have been married before and are both 50.

He’s an Aries, I’m a ....only joking. You know how it goes with not drip feeding Grin !

So the kids have only ever had my surname, I wasn’t married to their bio dad.

But now we want to change surnames so we’re all united as a family.
They don’t want to lose their current surname they said, so I’m going to double-barrell myself and the kids by adding husband’s surname with a hyphen.

However it’s a right palaver Googling how to do this.
I’ve read that I do need a deed poll to double barrell, or that I don’t need to deed poll for myself anyway as I’m married now, or that I don’t need to, but they do, and that deed polls are pointless anyway,...

I’ve read that because their bio dad won’t consent to a name change as he has Parental Responsibility, I’ll have to take him to court (about £300 if I don’t use a solicitor), but I can’t find which local court deals with kids name changes Confused.

It doesn’t come under ‘Family Law:Children’ because that’s only for contact and support issues.

Has anyone changed their bio kids surnames after they got married, (where the person they married has no bio kids of their own), and where the kids bio dad refuses consent? Which law court should I be applying to?

I’m only asking here first tonight, but realise I’ll probably have to instruct a solicitor to do it all for me eventually.
The kids bio dad has had proceedings against domestic violence in the past, so I know he’ll drag it out through the courts to ensure it costs me as much as possible Sad .

There’s so many websites as well, deedpoll this and changeyournameofficial that, who knows how much they’d stiff me for in the small print some of them even say ‘we’ll advise you how to change your name’ not, ‘here’s where to start!’

Any ideas please from someone who’s been through (very) similar? Thankyou Flowers

I have passports to get for holiday and all sorts to do so it’s quite important. (And yep the bio dad is going to contest the taking kids out do the country without his permission too, I’m sure). But that’s another bridge to cross later. Worst bit is I haven’t heard from him for a couple of years, and now he’ll enjoy resuming contact.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 03/07/2019 21:51

Yes, he could double-barrel, but just use the original half for work and the double bit for family.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2019 21:51

So he’s happy to force the chidren to change their name just so that he can keep his surname? But it’s fine for you to do it. Right. Obviously his business name is important - it’s a MAN THING. Hmm
If he’s last to have his surname then a) he can double-barrel it, b) what difference does it make - the surname won’t continue anyway.

Rollerbird · 03/07/2019 21:52

If you want to get a passport in the new name you'll need an enrolled deed poll

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Family law
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/07/2019 21:52

Husband doesn’t want to change his surname despite it being easier all round. He has no bio kids and is the last of his family line to continue his name. He also has a longstanding business associated with his name.

He can double barrel. Add your name onto his.

Otherwise it’s only you that wants to change your name so if you want, go for it. Your children don’t want it.

IDontGiveABagOfDicks · 03/07/2019 21:52

OP, just a thought. Has your DH thought about formally adopting your DC?

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2019 21:55

He's still their step father. A brilliant one by all accounts and their dad could be the biggest waste of space on earth. One is their dad and the other is their step dad.

So he’s happy to force the chidren to change their name just so that he can keep his surname? But it’s fine for you to do it. Right. Obviously his business name is important - it’s a MAN THING.
Because men couldn't do what women do which is keep one name for professional purposes and the other for home. It's so out there. Thousands of women manage it but a man couldn't possibly do it. It's much easier to expect the wife to change hers and then force the children to change theirs against their will because 'man'

Raeven · 03/07/2019 21:55

When I married my second husband he changed his last name to match mine and my two children.. No hassle and it worked out great for us.

Soola · 03/07/2019 21:55

Children are under 12.

Witnessed years of domestic violence.

‘Bio’ dad has been absent for years.

How long have you been with your husband as it can only be a few years?

ThePhoenixRises · 03/07/2019 21:57

Do the kids want to have a double barrelled surname?

Original poster
FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 21:57

IDontGiveABag yes it’s something we’ve discussed albeit lightly. It’s a lot more complicated. We lost a baby together a few years ago - the only offspring he’s ever had - so these two kids are very important to him.

OP posts:
mumderland · 03/07/2019 21:58

If your kids don't want to then please don't! Why can't they just keep their name. As someone who's surname has changed several times through childhood and not through choice, it was very frustrating for me and it was embarrassing at the registry office when I was applying to get married having to explain all my name changes and provide all the relevant documentation.

Lemonlady22 · 03/07/2019 21:58

just add his surname on the end of their name...tell the school they are now known as ( ) this doesnt solve the passport problem but they will be able to change their names legally by themselves and sort this out when they are a bit older.(if they want to) You can call yourself what you like apparently except on official things.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/07/2019 21:59

The children have witnessed years of DV against me with their bio dad, they have no connection to him and no contact. My new husband has known them since he youngest was a year old.

But hasn’t been their step father since youngest was a year old. Otherwise how have they witnessed years of domestic violence between you and your ex?

Original poster
FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 21:59

Soola I left the kids bio dad when the youngest was 4 weeks old.

I met my now husband when the youngest was just over a year old. He was a family friend. We didn’t start dating until a couple of years later, but the kids were always around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendlyRock · 03/07/2019 22:02

Joxer their bio dad continued to visit for a couple of years after I left him. I say visit, it actually wasn’t about the kids, there was no interaction, he stayed with me because I provided free food, accommodation, WiFi and convenient online purchase pickups for his ‘business’. There was always violence and police involved during those visits.

OP posts:
FizzBuzzBangWoof · 03/07/2019 22:03

The simplest solution if your new DH is not willing to change names but you are keen to have a shared family name is for you to double barrel which means you will share a name with both your DH and your children

On a side note there are lots of inconsistencies in your 'story'. The bio dad is 'completely absent' but has parental responsibility and will object to you taking the children abroad on holiday (how will he even know)

Your children experienced 'years of DV' but have been called your new DH Daddy since the youngest was 1?

KennDodd · 03/07/2019 22:03

Completely agree with everyone else saying husband should change his name, it's the obvious solution if he wants you to all have the same name. Is it just you who wants you all to have the same name? Sounds like husband isn't bothered otherwise surely he'd have changed his name already.

Veterinari · 03/07/2019 22:03

How have your children simultaneously witnessed years of domestic violence and been raised by your DH from the age of 1?

You should not be forcing your DC to change their identities against their will to fit your notion of ‘family’. Respect their right to their own names. If your DH is bothered he can change his name to match yours - one man is not more important that a woman and two children

MumofTinies · 03/07/2019 22:03

If your DCs don't want to change their names, don't change them. You will just have to choose whether you want a different surname to your children or your husband.

SimplySteveRedux · 03/07/2019 22:08

Has your DH thought about formally adopting your DC?

It's not that easy. We investigated it, bio dad had PR so would have had to approve it. DS changed his surname the day he turned 18.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/07/2019 22:08

He’s just ‘their dad’.

Femodene · 03/07/2019 22:09

No help, but as a kid I had confusing surname issues, when I was born I was for example, Sarah Mason, mother and me escaped my monstrous father and I used mothers maiden name, put birth certificate surname on official things, even my passports, so I was Sarah Jones-Mason. Mother then got remarried, took on her latest husbands name, I did not. No issues. I got married and chose my husbands name so as to ditch all that chaos for good 😄

For extra annoyance, my mother named me Jane Sarah Mason on my birth certificate, but I’ve always been called Sar, so no one ever called me my actual first name or surname! So annoying!

NoSquirrels · 03/07/2019 22:09

If it’s really inportant to your DH to share a family name with you and the DC, then he should double-barrel or change HIS name.

He can keep his original surname as a business name - like professionals often do upon marriage. Just cuz he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s different in that respect.

If it’s about the DC, act in their interests.
If it’s about your DH’s feelings primarily then probably have a rethink?

Legal stuff with an abusive ex certainly doesn’t sound in YOUR best interests.

Missingstreetlife · 03/07/2019 22:12

Please don't change their names. You can change yours and refer to their natural father if they call dp daddy. I hate this bio and non bio parent unless their is a need i.e. Surrogacy and legal adoption. A stepdad is a perfectly respectable role and can be a v important relationship.

PeonyPink0 · 03/07/2019 22:16

If you want to get a passport in the new name you'll need an enrolled deed poll

Utterly untrue.

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