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Original poster

I think my husband has been sacked

162 replies

Dogsaresomucheasier · 01/07/2019 20:15

I know work has been going badly for him, but now a p45 has shown up. ( yes, I know I shouldn’t have opened it, but you know when you know something’s not right!) We have a mortgage and 3dc, what the hell do I do or say?
He’s not intentionally crap or lazy, but getting too old for what he does. He’s “at work” now. I’ve tried to call and been told he’s not there. I’m worried for his mental health and how the hell we’re going to cope. What paperwork should he have? How easy is it to get a job in say a shop if you’ve been sacked from something else?

OP posts:
Atalune · 01/07/2019 21:42

I hope you’re able to chat this eve. Flowers

dinnerpartyhell · 01/07/2019 21:42

Be gentle.

Be very very gentle. Magnify whatever fear you are feeling and then times it be a hundred.

Hold him in your arms, tell him you know and everything is going to be okay. Hold him all night. Let him process the shock, the slight horror and the shame.
Whatever needs to be fixed. Will be fixed. He needs to know you have his back and some.
Yes it is shocking, but it’s not a terminal illness. You really will come through this.

NoSquirrels · 01/07/2019 21:42

I got a P45 whilst still very much employed - in my case the company was sorting out legal entity stuff and my operating company for payroll etc changed but nothing else about my terms/conditions/contract.

It sounds like this probably isn’t your DH’s situation, because of the performance review stuff, but just to offer the possibility that it could be nothing sinister after all.

Starlight456 · 01/07/2019 21:43

I can only imagine he is struggling with what has happened .

Hopefully you can move forward. From here.

dinnerpartyhell · 01/07/2019 21:43

We did.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 01/07/2019 21:45

poor man, hope he's ok

these things are much more common than people now, it does not get talked about much

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/07/2019 21:47

What are you going to do about his lying and deceit?

For fucks sake Oblomov. Kick a man while he’s down why don’t you? The poor sod is probably frantic with worry and feeling useless and humiliated, wondering how he’s going to tell OP. He needs understanding, not condemnation.

darlingtwinklebum · 01/07/2019 21:48

Poor guy has probably been stressing over this for weeks. Op hope it all works out ok for you both.

happychange · 01/07/2019 21:52

At dh company they did a restructuring program so everyone got a P45 but they were rehired the same day. Maybe it's that?

OddHoleySocks · 01/07/2019 21:53

Is it possible that the business had changed from eg. a partnership to a limited company? A change in legal status would effectively be a change of employer.

BarryBarryTaylor · 01/07/2019 22:00

I haven’t really got anything to add OP except I hope you and your DH are ok. For what it’s worth he just sounds to me like he is embarrassed and having a frank conversation will help you both x

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 01/07/2019 22:02

This happened to me, but my DP had been made redundant. It was horrific, and I couldn’t get over the fact he had been trotting off “to work” for a month, carrying all this weight on his shoulders. I felt like a total dick for not realising, and yes, I did feel sad about the lies and deceit - but I do believe it came from a good place, and the urge to “protect me”, no matter how misguided. He still had his work phone and laptop, frequently worked from home in that role, and I had no reason to be suspicious. Looking back, there were obvious signs that I missed - but I wasn’t looking for clues!

It was awful, there were a lot of tears over a lot of weeks from both of us, and I threw a mug at one stage (!) but we got through it. He’s now in a much better job, although it did take a while because he’s a fairly high earner in a fairly niche post. I really hope things work out for you, OP.

Wonkybanana · 01/07/2019 22:08

For all those suggesting it might be TUPE, change from partnership to limited company, new contract - remember the OP has rung him at 'work' and he's not there.
I'm afraid it is what it looks like, so he's going to need a lot of support but hopefully it will also be a relief to him that it's out in the open.

Supersimpkin · 01/07/2019 22:10

Is there any chance he might have resigned?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/07/2019 22:14

The poor sod is probably frantic with worry and feeling useless and humiliated, wondering how he’s going to tell OP. He needs understanding, not condemnation.

I think so too. He's probably sick with shock.

I feel so sorry for him and for OP. Awful situation.

Divgirl2 · 01/07/2019 22:15

Your poor husband, and poor you. What a mess.

Hopefully you're currently getting the truth out of him. I don't think he will have meant to hurt you by pretending to go off to work, he probably just doesn't know what to say. I do wonder where he's been going though, I'd have no idea what to do with myself out of the house for an extended period of time for 3 days a week.

Patroclus · 01/07/2019 22:15

I would get him onto agency work ASAP. They wont care if hes getting on a bit, theyl be happy for the experience. Short term solution.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2019 22:15

You need to talk to him OP and find out what has happened. If its sacked due to competency then you need to understant the process, if a union was involved and what medical assessments were included.

If there is a possibility that there was a mental health issue such as stress/anxiety/other then you may need to talk to his representatives for him (which will require his consent unless he is deemed incapable). This last is also important for any health insurance/mortgage payment insurance. IANAL and the details will depend on the contracts and any illness but if there is a degree of discrimination on age/disability there would normally be a compromise agreement and a payoff.

Can you cover the costs/mortgage if he becomes a full time SAHP and supports you moving upward if that is possible?

AllFourOfThem · 01/07/2019 22:17

Could he have gone from PAYE to self employed but still be doing the same job and for the same company? Or could he have swapped companies (if his was bought out for example) so he has his P45 but also still has his job?

piedmontpepper · 01/07/2019 22:18

Ah I'm so sorry. Poor man, and poor you.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 01/07/2019 22:21

Lots of variations to think about as to why he has his P45.

Please be kind, he may well be having a rough time, or not but until you speak to him..

Whoops75 · 01/07/2019 22:23

Hope it’s a legit reason op
Very tough situation
Take care

Patroclus · 01/07/2019 22:23

And please dont play games leaving out the P45 and a note FFS. Tell him straight that you know, and if you want to deal with it, deal with it and move on.

Speakercube · 01/07/2019 22:27

Hope he's relieved that you've found out. All the best.

Graphista · 01/07/2019 22:30

Can I suggest that before you talk to him you come up with a plan to support him before you do?

Sounds like he's really struggling and if it's less confrontational and more "I know what's happened but this is what I've been able to find out that can help our family and you navigate all this" that would be more useful and less upsetting for everyone?

Check benefits eligibility

Do a "tighten the belt" new budget for the household

Organise phone numbers to call tomorrow for:

Acas

Union if he's in one

Cab (I don't find them great on benefits stuff but they can be good on employment law)

Local welfare advice office (they are good on benefits stuff)

Dr appointment for him if you do think he's depressed. (He needs dx and treatment ASAP and the sooner it's on record the better for employment stuff too)

"While on a "support plan" I'd also expect any relevant medical issues to have been taken into account" as is the case with too many things still this isn't necessarily true when it's mental illness involved. There's still a lot of stigma and discrimination involved especially in male dominated, manual work industries. The possible slight up side to this is the dh may have a case for discrimination to raise.

Feel so much for you and your family op, appalling how employees are being treated in this country now.

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