DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Ated
When my two (15 and 11) were constantly bickering over the Xbox and being rude to us when we told them to stop fighting and get off it - DH was furious. So he got the Xbox and locked in the boot of the car for a week.
Nothing got smashed.
Nobody got hurt.
Both children learnt a very clear lesson that poor behaviour has immediate, relevant consequences.

Lenizar, have you had proper therapy/counselling? Because the way you speak about these allegedly 'loving' adoptive parents suggest that they were also abusive: you're full of lingering guilt and obligation and submissive gratitude towards them. Some people who foster/adopt are doing so in order to have power over others and a saintly reputation as a marvellous person when in fact they are extremely manipulative and insist that quite minor faults are Terrible Crimes which mean you have to spend the rest of your life atoning.

So how do we deal with an angry teenager who is unwilling to admit their repeated actions were 100% the reason this happened?

As long as DH is understanding when he annoys DS and DS smashes his laptop/phone. Obviously DS would apologise after but as it was his fault for winding him up he wouldn't pay towards replacement.

I get teenagers are fucking hard work but you have to model behaviour. If you do something you don't want your child to repeat, show your sincere regrets.

Give it a fortnight or what not for the stealing and then DH replaces the phone. Perhaps local alcohol up in a safe if he can't be trusted?

I just think it's very primal to smash something. It seems so hateful and suggestive that I'd be worried it would be DS next time.

Although DH may not be violent, he clearly has an anger problem.

So how do we deal with an angry teenager who is unwilling to admit their repeated actions were 100% the reason this happened?

Fallacious reasoning.

The reason this happened was that the father (?) lost it.

How you deal with a teenager that drinks beer available in the house and is allowed occasionally, and smirks () is the actual question

DH is not an abusive parent...OP says he has never done this before.
DS has taken things that do not belong to him many times...
DS is only 14 and at some point has to learn actions have consequences .. no phone.. tell him he has to earn a phone back. This is a punishment from you mum.

Lenizar, have you had proper therapy/counselling? Because the way you speak about these allegedly 'loving' adoptive parents suggest that they were also abusive: you're full of lingering guilt and obligation and submissive gratitude towards them. Some people who foster/adopt are doing so in order to have power over others and a saintly reputation as a marvellous person when in fact they are extremely manipulative and insist that quite minor faults are Terrible Crimes which mean you have to spend the rest of your life atoning.

I'm full of guilt because I've matured, grown-up, and realised how horrible I was. My bad behaviour was not "minor" believe me, and yes I've been in therapy on and off since 11. Still am. I speak of them this way because they deserve it.

How is the father smashing up a phone a punishment from the mum?

@LenizarLyublyu I'm sorry but your experience and therefore view of the situation isn't the norm. It sounds like you have had been troubled for a long time and it is affecting how you view this situation.

Not replacing the phone is the punishment.
I would explain as the mum I would have taken the phone away till the DS changed his ways..
The DS is not an innocent child who respects his parents....He has had many chances to change his ways and refused.
This meltdown over the loss of his phone is because right then he only acknowledged what had happened to him, not what he had been doing

To those saying as they are a child let's try this scenario.

I'm a 20 something person visiting my parents and I piss my DF off. Maybe swear at him. Is it ok for him to break my phone. I am no longer a child but he's still a parent.

My Dad says 'I'm warning you' or 'don't be cheeky' to me now at 29. I do tell him taking that time will make me angrier, not less so.

I’m team DH here - he lost his temper quite rightly with a teenager being a shit.

I don’t think I would have done the same but I would have taken the phone. Given them 15 mins under my supervision to get any photos off etc and then I would have happily taken it to a charity shop and wiped it clear. Or taken it out in front of them and thrown it in the back of the bin lorry depending on the state of it. £0.97 is the cheapest pay as you go phone from EE fine. Stealing my stuff more than once with no remorse is just wrong on every level. Everyone has their breaking point you son as just found that out. No everyone in society will pander to them. He steals from a shop criminal conviction caught under age drinking etc all criminal acts. Smirking whilst being told off is designed to provoke and has that ‘you can’t touch me I can do anything I like ‘ vibe. Breaking a phone is not the same as hitting him. He abused your husband properly and didn’t give a crap - how did he like it when it was done to him?

All I know is if I had done this and my DF had locked it away and Mum had a talk with me I'd have apologised, seeing them as human.

If DF had smashed it I'd have been more angry, resentful and I'd not apologise because I would not be sorry anymore.

Not replacing the phone is the punishment.

No. Not replacing the phone is just a ridiculous move to try and suggest that smashing it was ok.

I’m team DH here - he lost his temper quite rightly with a teenager being a shit.

He lost control. There is nothing 'right' about that. Like I said upthread, what's next?

I can just see DS. At school.

Where is your phone. .
I keep being rude and stealing beers from my dad, when he caught me doing it again, I just smirked at him as I thought it was funny. He got so cross he smashed my phone....

Losing your self control isn't a form of discipline. Someone here mentioned being "team dh" Eh ...! What was dh's heroic action? The only thing he did was lose it because he was provoked.

he lost his temper quite rightly with a teenager being a shit.

So, it's right to act like a teenager and with violence?

And how exactly was the teen behaviour so vile?

My mum had a vile temper - I did what she wanted because I was scared. I have kept her at arms length my entire adult life. Something that upsets her, but I have no sympathy- an adult temper is terrifying- even for a 14 year old.

Your husband’s reaction was completely disproportionate - I’m on your son’s side with this one, although I seem to be in the minority here. I remember what it was like bring that age and your typical teenager will not have sufficient impulse control to resist the temptation to drink a bottle of beer when it’s easily accessible. Store it more securely if you don’t want him drinking it (I think calling it stealing is a bit harsh, but I would expect him to apologise and pay a few quid for a replacement). Your husband on the other hand I’d expect to have more self control and to not stamp on expensive equipment in a fit of pique at being ‘disrespected’. It’s a bit pathetic if you ask me and I’d absolutely expect him to get it repaired/replaced.

If you ignore the identities of the people involved, what happened essentially is this:

Person A drank Person B’s beer and then smirked when Person B confronted them about it. Person B in retaliation smashed Person A’s phone.

Your husband totally overreacted. If he’d done that to you or another adult rather than your son there wouldn’t be any question about it.

As angry as he was (I would have been fuming), he needs to set an example for your son. Destroying others property as a result of an argument is NOT ok in any situation. The point of a parent is not to retaliate, it's to prepare your children for life as an adult. Is this what you want your son to learn?

Only by showing your son how to deal with arguments like an adult (calmly, rationally and with respect) will he learn how to do so. You can't expect him not to smirk, not to cry and scream, when all he sees is his dad's over the top behaviour.

I actually feel sorry for your son in this situation, you're not setting him up to be able to deal with these kinds of issues.

So how do we deal with an angry teenager who is unwilling to admit their repeated actions were 100% the reason this happened?

You can't, because when you smash someone's phone in a rage you lose the moral highground and your violent actions are on you, not the victim, even if the victim is bratty and unsympathetic.

If the husband had smashed the possessions of an adult it would have been a crime, but if the possessions belong to his child, it's great parenting?!

After my daughter's father smashed my phone into tiny pieces I confess that it crossed my mind to do the same to him to see how he liked it. But I didn't because it would have been wrong. If you're an adult you have to have the restraint to stop yourself from doing things like this.

If the husband had smashed the possessions of an adult it would have been a crime, but if the possessions belong to his child, it's great parenting?!

I know. I honestly wonder if there is a link here between opinion and intelligence, because I can't understand why any sensible, rational adult would think this was ok. Not only do people think it was ok but they are almost like little cheerleaders with their 'team DH' crap!