DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

mummy2017

Feel sorry for your kids with a “mummy” like you. You going to smash up their stuff in a rage if they do anything wrong?

because I can't understand why any sensible, rational adult would think this was ok

They aren’t sensible, rational adults. They are toxic, abusive parents who are just like the DH and are affront that their rage is being called abuse.

But they weren't the ones who raised me wrong. You said it was their fault. They saved me

You're very much in a minority on this thread, thinking that abusive, violent reactions from parents is normal. It's really, really not. And you've shared that you experienced the same thing as a child.

It's not exactly a stretch to draw obvious conclusions from this. It's not too late break cycles of behaviour, or at least recognize them for what they are.

Most people, rightly, can see it for what it is: abusive, frightening, loss of control, violent...and then rest.

And the apologists for this shit saying 'Team DH' here...I feel sorry for your kids, I really do, no matter HOW much they try to wind you up as teenagers. Home should be their safe place, where they learn where the boundaries are, through the RIGHT kind of discipline. Not a violent loss of control.

If this story was related to a teacher at school, it would possibly not be the last you hear of it.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why toxic masculinity remains a problem. Men who express all emotion as anger- and who express it physically. And women who condone this.

Yeah OPs DP reacted in the wrong way, teenagers will push you and this time it pushed DP to the limit. Smashing the phone was wrong and he has apologised for that.

Personally I would make your son earn back his new phone by improving his attitude and chores. In the meantime I'd give him an old phone or a crappy Nokia.

And you've shared that you experienced the same thing as a child.

I've seen some frightening shit as a child believe me, someone stamping on a phone when you're a teenager is hardly scary surely you'd only be scared if you thought they were going to hit you.

Smashing the phone was wrong and he has apologised for that.

It's been pointed out many times, most abusers do: saying sorry doesn't make this ok.

@LenizarLyublyu

Like I said before, your view is not normal, due to your suffering.

someone stamping on a phone when you're a teenager is hardly scary

I would have been terrified if my dad did that to me. Of course it would have been totally out of character for him. Thinking this isn't scary is indicative of general anger and possible violence throughout.

Also, men like this prick of an H often 'haven't done anything like this before' because their DSs have been little enough to believe that Daddy is the superhero he insists he is. Inadequate men become more aggressive once their DC are old enough to see them as human beings rather than worshipping them as gods. Inadequate men whine that they are not being shown 'respect' once their DC start asserting themselves and learning independence, and often become more and more aggressive - sometimes to serious danger levels because they can't cope with their own inadequacy and think that terrorizing other people into submission is the only way to regain that good feeling of being 'respected' and on top of someone else.

I would have been terrified if my dad did that to me. Of course it would have been totally out of character for him. Thinking this isn't scary is indicative of general anger and possible violence throughout.

Would of been out of character for mine too, but still not scary.

Would of been out of character for mine too, but still not scary.

Your view of these things is not average though. You have been through some tough times and years of therapy. That's is clouding your ability to see this from a reasonable perspective.

Ok, if you think so.

@LenizarLyublyu

It wasn't a criticism, just an observation.

Its scary to see the conditioning that's happened to abused children when they reach adulthood and excuse everything away.
It feels very unsettling to see your parents as abusive. Mine were but I still loved them. My dad died a few years ago and I made peace with things but the way I was treated has left me deeply affected and influences my adult life and all my relationships. It took me a long time, and mumsnet, to see just how wrong all the things I thought normal were.

Smashing the phone is abhorrent.

I remember my mother smashing up my birthday presents when i was a child. Your son will remember every crack to the phone, every graze from trying to use it, probably for the rest of his life. I'm 47, and it still hurts.

Your dh needs to know how bad he has been. Nothing will ever make it better.

I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face....

“I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face....”

Fuck me, that’s a vile post!

I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face....

Very nasty. And gloating as well. Vile.

I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face... sounds like malevolent hatred to me. I pity any child of yours. He's 14 and he deserves parents with compassion, understanding and restraint.

I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face

I can’t decide if you’re just thick or a an utter dick?

Please tell me you haven’t procreated.

All the “team DH” posts are just tosh.

I'm with your DH here. I bet that punishment wiped the smirk off your thieving son's face....

God that's horrific.

Poor OP, hope things are not too ghastly in her house this morning and that the H has seen sense and will put right the damage he did.

Isn’t this thread an eye opener?
Knowing that so many people walk among us who not only condone domestic violence, but actively promote it as a disciplinary measure ?!
Un-be- fucking-lievable.
No wonder every phone line at women’s aid is busy when people try to get through. It’s a fucking epidemic.

You can't make your son apologise. Like you say anything he says will be insincere.
I can't believe the responses on here defending your husband who demonstrated that as an adult he is allowed to lose his shit and damage other people's belongings . Awful behaviour and yet you're incredulous at the rage your son was in over the phone.
Keep alcohol locked away . Natural consequences being he can't be trusted around it and you're making those decisions until he proves to you otherwise. Don't try and make him admit to the stealing you already know he did so don't go driving the point any further.
As for your husband he completely lost moral high ground . He's apologised and probably should replace the phone but it sounds like he's too proud to go that far.

BertrandRussell has it