DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Exactly. Imagine if a man smashed up his wife’s phone because she was being cheeky and “smirked” at him?!

Apparently it’s fine to bully a teenager though. Poor kid. That man needs help.

So would you be ok with your partner smashing up your phone if they decided you were a little shit?

No, because we are peers, our relationship doesn't involve any kind of discipline/teaching/rules imposed by one of us on the other. Because we are, oh, I don't know, adults. Entirely different scenario from the one presented here by the OP.

bloody hell.

dh has gone too far. way too far.

shouting is bad enough but smashing his phone? awful.

kids/teens can be fucking enraging but you need to learn how to deal with it/defuse it/keep calm/walk away.

@omafiet So if it's between two adults it's not acceptable to smash their things in a rage, but if you're an adult who has the responsibility of teaching a child right from wrong, it is...? :/

No, because we are peers, our relationship doesn't involve any kind of discipline/teaching/rules imposed by one of us on the other. Because we are, oh, I don't know, adults. Entirely different scenario from the one presented here by the OP.

So it's ok to be a cunt to a child because you teaching them something

I think it's entirely appropriate for an adult to impose discipline/consequences on a child. Given the child's behavior here, I don't agree that destroying the phone was disproportionate.

Smashing up a phone isn't a realistic consequence. And it won't teach discipline. It's the exact opposite of discipline, it's a complete loss of control.

But then how do you teach the child that destroying people's possessions is wrong, if you are doing that as a consequence for their behaviour?

omafeit
So if a pupil is mucking around with their phone in class then it is ok for the teacher to smash the phone?

I'd get him a replacement phone merely for the ability to keep track of him, but make it a non smartphone.
I think your DH went a little OTT and violence never solves anything, but your DS seriously needs to have some consequences for his stealing booze and bring a cocky little git as well.

Teenagers are partly driven by self interest and poor impulse control due to their brain developing. Surely what we need to be teaching them is how to consider the impact of their behaviour on people around them and a bit of self control.

An adult losing it and smashing their phone does not do that. Teenagers can be bloody hard work at times but you have to find a way to react reasonably appropriately.

@raskolnikova Absolutely. Inadequate adults are often enthusiastic about hurting and upsetting other people to 'teach them a lesson', though almost always when it's people who are younger/smaller/weaker. And they are never willing to accept any kind of consequences for their own poor behaviour.

Inadequate adults are often enthusiastic about hurting and upsetting other people to 'teach them a lesson', though almost always when it's people who are younger/smaller/weaker

Yep. They are vile abusive cunts.

Agree that family therapy is in order here.

Your son doesn't understand boundaries, your husband can't control his temper, you are paralysed in the middle.

Not a good combination.

Smashing a child's or anyone's phone or property in a furious temper because he was looking at him in a funny way.. is violent and agressive. So what if he apologised.
As to DS taking his beer.. maybe beer should not be held in such high importance that it justifies this kind of behaviour. There are more effective ways to stop DS taking it.. talking to him.

Would it be ok for your child to destroy your property - and refuse to replace it - if he didn't like the way you looked at him

No, because he is a child and not the parent. It also wouldn't be OK for my child to attempt to "ground" me or send me to my room, but we can do that to our children.

My mum snapped my CD in half and ripped up a book and threw it in the bin (she thought the content of the CD and book were factors causing my aggression and poor attitude). I did threaten to break her stuff in retaliation, but I didn't because deep down I knew that wasn't my place as the child.

So if a pupil is mucking around with their phone in class then it is ok for the teacher to smash the phone?

No, because presumably the teacher wasn't the one who spent money on the phone in the 1st place.

so would you be ok with your partner smashing up your phone if they decided you were a little shit?

No, becauae again, my partner is not my parent, it's different. My partner cannot tell me when to go to bed, but he can tell my daughter when to surely. All these comparisons are silly.

bully a teenager though

Bullying

When my mother broke my two possessions, it's because I fucking deserved it, she wasn't a cunt. I pushed her too far and I would have done worse if she hadn't broken my stuff.

While I obviously agree that an adult-adult and an adult-child relationship are different, what the hell are we teaching teenagers by smashing their property?

That it's ok to do that. That violence is an option.

Not something I want my children to learn.

My mum snapped my CD in half and ripped up a book and threw it in the bin

A CD and a book aren’t a £500 iPhone.

The only people defending the DH are people who are just as toxic and abusive and probably behave in similar ways

a CD and a book aren’t a £500 iPhone.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was immoral for DH to smash it because it was supposedly violent and inappropriate, not because of the monetary value of the iPod. So is your opinion that smashing CDs and books and low cost items is fine but a phone is not? If so, that's not a moral decision, it's purely financial.

*phone

Surely he could have just confiscated it rather than becoming violent and aggressive. That is not discipline, it is a (quite worrying actually) loss of control. DS was clearly acting like a little shit but two wrongs don’t make a right.