DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

@mummmy2017

Stop giving ridiculous examples of things that didn't happen. Just focus on what DID happen.

Yeah. A son lies, steals and gets found out, is in an arguement with his dad ,laughing at his dad, lying to his dad's face. . Then the poor little angel has his phone taken off him and smashed.
Son then has a crying screaming fit, as he realised his acts had repercussions.

Blimey, mummmy. Despite what you said upthread, you still think it's the kid's fault that his parent smashed his phone in a fit of temper he was unable to control, don't you? In which case, I'll leave you to it.

I’ve been on here a while but it’s still so surprising to me that there are people who will go out of their way to excuse male violence or entitlement as someone else’s fault. The bar for men is so, so low.

Vac. I think the dad was wrong to smash the phone But I can see why he did it, and so would the police . If they can see there are reasons why this happened, why can't you.

This dad did not walk into his innocent sons room one day pick up the phone and smash it for no reason.

This dad did not walk into his innocent sons room one day pick up the phone and smash it for no reason.

What level of violence do you allow around your children? How much violence are your children responsible for in your house?

I think, mummmy, that you are struggling with comprehension here. I and others have said very clearly that we can see how/why it happened. That doesn't make it acceptable, still less admirable, as some posters have painted it. And the father's refusal to replace the phone he broke, plus the mother's claim to be "torn" suggests to me that neither of them really thinks the father was in the wrong.
Rather, they think it 'served the child right'.

Had the OP posted in AIBU, rather than Chat, and ended the story with 'we both know that what DH did was wrong; he's apologised, and will replace the phone (after which it will be confiscated for a fortnight, subject to an improvement in behaviour and attitude!)' then I guarantee that the responses would have been much more sympathetic. Because, as you say, none of us is perfect, especially in the heat of the moment.

This dad did not walk into his innocent sons room one day pick up the phone and smash it for no reason.

@mummmy2017 you really are not getting it are you. Nobody said this happened. What is your point in telling us what he didnt do? It's what he DID that's the problem.

Bold fail top paragraph ^

Tell me something why if parenting today is the right way are the children in school so disrespectful to teachers.
Why are so many families asking for help with out of control children.
Why are so many children Into drugs
Why is London almost the stabbing capital of the world.
Why do children have no respect for the law...
?????????????

It's because parents don't smash their kids phones up @mummmy2017 🙄

if parenting today is the right way

What does "parenting today" look like? Are you saying that not enough of us are prepared to do the right thing and stamp on our children's phones? What, exactly, is your point?

So clearly he hasn't learnt from whatever previous sanctions he received so he can't really be shocked that it has escalated.

Regardless, my son won't expect me to start smashing his things for nor learning how to comply with my rules.

Tell me something why if parenting today is the right way are the children in school so disrespectful to teachers.
Why are so many families asking for help with out of control children.
Why are so many children Into drugs
Why is London almost the stabbing capital of the world.
Why do children have no respect for the law...

My son is neither of these.

I'd guess, though, that the cases where it's true it's mostly due to parents who don't know how to discipline or talk to their children, but then lose their temper at the wrong times and for the wrong reasons.

Tell me something why if parenting today is the right way are the children in school so disrespectful to teachers.
Why are so many families asking for help with out of control children.
Why are so many children Into drugs
Why is London almost the stabbing capital of the world.
Why do children have no respect for the law...

I can’t believe anyone would think the answer to this is ‘because we’re not violent ENOUGH! Let’s have MORE violence!’

Yeah. A son lies, steals and gets found out, is in an arguement with his dad laughing at his dad, lying to his dad's face. . Then the poor little angel has his phone taken off him and smashed
Son then has a crying screaming fit, as he realised his acts had repercussions.

Yep. It is what it is.

Mothers of Precious Princes aka my Son is my Sun will find it difficult to accept however.

I don't particularly think Dad should have smashed the phone, but can understand why he lost it. He didn't hit his son. Even if some are pretending that's the next step - he did not hit his son.

Apologies have already been made. Buy him a basic mobile phone, he can still function with that can't he.

Oh, wait, my son took a bunch of my Maltesers yesterday. And one handful after I agreed to him taking one.

No problems there. Maybe because I'm not a controlling parent regarding food, I didn't consider it stealing, and we have a trusting relationship where I use humour rather than rage.
But perhaps I should have confiscated his phone for a week just to show him who's in charge.

Why is smashing something worse than shouting? Worse than confiscating the phone? Worse than removing other prized possessions?

Because if you break something it doesn't exist anymore. I had a phone, my ex smashed it, now I have no phone because it's in phone heaven. Shouting or confiscating things doesn't stop anything from existing.

There was an episode of Broadchurch where Olivia Coleman's character smashes her son's phone because he's been watching porn on it - it didn't look like an abusive act when you watched it.

That's nice.

Apologies have already been made. Buy him a basic mobile phone, he can still function with that can't he.

Why should he though? How many punishments is he to have - 1) his dad smashing his phone in a violent temper 2) having to take blame for his dad doing that 3) not getting his phone back 4) having a basic phone because he has to appreciate why his dad was violent. That’s a lot of punishments for what he did.

What should the dad’s punishments be?

Mothers of Precious Princes aka my Son is my Sun will find it difficult to accept however

Can you find me a single post, in the 26-odd pages of this thread, where a poster suggests that the 'precious prince' or 'angel' has done nothing wrong, and should not have been sanctioned for his behaviour and attitude? Can you find one person chanting 'TeamDS!!'

If you can, then what you are saying might make sense.

But you can't, can you?

Had said son not lied to his dad and got into a shouting match he would still have a phone......

Of course he should be sanctioned. But adult human beings should not smash things in a temper.

*What is an acceptable level of violence to have in a family?

I really am asking this, I’d love to know.*

Me too. Apparently shouting/slamming doors/smashing people's stuff is all much of a muchness and there's no difference between smashing something and confiscating it, so where's the line?

Because if you break something it doesn't exist anymore. I had a phone, my ex smashed it, now I have no phone because it's in phone heaven. Shouting or confiscating things doesn't stop anything from existing.

So, if the dad is paying for the mobile phone then he could take it back at any point. He is under no obligation to provide the son with a phone is he? So having taken the phone back he could do whatever he wanted to do with it. Smash it up, sell it, throw it in the river - the phone still would have been gone forever because the dad is not compelled to provide his child with a phone. So that isn't equivalent to another adult taking and destroying your propert is it?