DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Why should he though? How many punishments is he to have - 1) his dad smashing his phone in a violent temper 2) having to take blame for his dad doing that 3) not getting his phone back 4) having a basic phone because he has to appreciate why his dad was violent. That’s a lot of punishments for what he did.

Losing the privilege of having a mobile phone is his punishment for lying, stealing and under age drinking. Why is that so terrible? If he needs a phone so badly then maybe he'll behave better in order to earn the privilege of having one.

Had said son not lied to his dad and got into a shouting match he would still have a phone......

I'm beginning to wonder if you are just messing about @mummmy2017 because it's either that or you really do have a serious lack of understanding regarding adult/child relationships, parental responsibility, violence within a relationship and personal responsibility. So, which is it?

@DecomposingComposers- I call bullshit. I do not believe you think that losing control and stamping on a mobile phone in a temper is the same as confiscating it. I do not believe that for a second.

Hmm my bold failed again too paragraph ^

There was an episode of Broadchurch where Olivia Coleman's character smashes her son's phone because he's been watching porn on it - it didn't look like an abusive act when you watched it.

Broadchurch? The TV drama?

It’s interesting you ignored the bit about the dad’s punishment Decomposing in your post where you pretended confiscating the phone was the same as smashing it to bits in a violent temper. What should the dad’s punishment be?

When I read posts like this, where violence in the family home is normalised, it's no wonder the relationship board is full of violent men. And it makes me feel desperately sad.

I suppose I can sort of see the cause and effect of smashing a phone that a child had been watching porn on. I don’t agree- but I can see why someone might do it. This was nothing to do with the phone- it was just the man losing his temper and smashing something.

Actually, if you consider it carefully, the H's actions are calculated malice, which makes it likely that this inadequate, abusive prick has been building up to something nasty for a while. Though they are contemptible idiots, the parents who destroy their children's phones or game consoles for misuse of the equipment are, in their fuckwitted primitive fashion, displaying some sort of logic. But a parent who responds to 'rudeness' by taking the time to decide what will cause the maximum distress and then doing it... that's not 'just losing it', that's grabbing the chance to hurt and frighten your DC and feel good about it.

This is just me feed up of the lynch mid mentally, when this dad was pushed and broke.

Lynch mob. Sorry

Lynch mob? Because people have higher standards than you?

Had said son not lied to his dad and got into a shouting match he would still have a phone

It takes two to engage in a shouting match, you realise.

And the dad didn't smash the phone because of the beer or the lying.

He did it because the DS smirked. He couldn't handle that poke to his ego.

Even the dad agrees he should not have smashed it...
But the son was clearly not scared of his dad...
The son was lying to his dad.

Children lie because they are scared on some level.

You are suggesting that it's a good thing to be scared of your father.
You are suggesting that it is ok to base family relationships on fear.

The dad on some level would disagree with you.

I call bullshit. I do not believe you think that losing control and stamping on a mobile phone in a temper is the same as confiscating it. I do not believe that for a second.

No, I don't think that breaking the phone and confiscating it are the same but I was questioning a poster who said that by breaking it the phone had been permanently removed and so was different to confiscation.

Another said how many punishments should the boy have.

I don't think that the son is entitled to a phone and if the person paying the bill chooses to stop, for whatever reason but particularly if the son is behaving badly and showing no intention of improving, then that's a lesson for the boy to learn. People are talking as though the dad has to supply a phone - well, no, he doesn't and whether he broke the phone or permanently removed it the effect is the same.

Tell me something why if parenting today is the right way are the children in school so disrespectful to teachers.
Why are so many families asking for help with out of control children.
Why are so many children Into drugs
Why is London almost the stabbing capital of the world.
Why do children have no respect for the law...

Are you seriously suggesting it's because children haven't experienced enough violence and unpredictable rage in their homes?

The effects of breaking the phone vs permanently removing it are completely different though, Decomposing.

In one case the phone is permanently removed with no violence.

In the other case the phone is permanently removed through being destroyed in an act of violence.

You seem unwilling to admit that the violence here makes a difference and I wonder why.

Are you honestly suggesting violence makes no difference in a relationship or are you just taking the piss?

Don't steal and lie.
Your phone won't get broken...

Children lie because they are scared on some level.

Yes, scared of facing consequences, no matter how justifiable those consequences might be. I'm sure even if the son knew the consequence was being grounded for a week or losing his pocket money he still would have liked, because he's done it before.

Sorry, but children do need to learn that their behaviour has consequences or would you rather his behaviour escalates until he ends up in trouble with the police or excluded from school?

I'm taking the OP at her word - that this is a one off event and is totally out of character for her husband. I really think the child will move past this and won't suffer lifelong effects if this has never happened before and never happens again.

Don't steal and lie.
Your phone won't get broken...

Would you apply this to adults or just children?

If nothing else, smashing the phone is a waste of a good phone.
Even if the parent did pay for it, why not sell it or keep it as a spare.

Are people so wasteful that it's ok to destroy expensive pieces of equipment?

Why should children respect parents who are stupid and spiteful? This is why the teenage years are often a flashpoint: inadequate parents find their egos are being challenged because their DC are old enough to see the parents for what they are.

And there are multiple causes of drug misuse and increased street violence: one of them is the same rage that led to people voting Leave: they feel that they don't matter, that they have no hope and nothing to look forward to.
To some extent, the increasing contempt for 'authority' is a healthy sign, though: most of those in power at the moment have been ruthlessly exploiting the majority of the public for a couple of decades, and there is no reason to respect 'authority' that doesn't respect you.

Are you honestly suggesting violence makes no difference in a relationship or are you just taking the piss?

Because I don't think this is "violence". Yes, the dad list his temper as have many other decent, loving parents and no, it wasn't great because the dad has lost any high ground he might have had but in the context of an otherwise loving relationship no I don't think one incidence like this is violence.

Don't steal and lie.
Your phone won't get broken...

Well, it might! He lives with an unpredictable adult male who has behaved violently, you can’t say for sure he won’t smash up his stuff again.

Punishment for the dad? Anyone?

If it was really out of character for this man; if he didn't on some level believe he was justified in using an extreme level of aggression to intimidate and distress his son, he wouldn't just have replaced the phone at the first opportunity, he would be looking into anger management and family support. Not sulking, insisting on further punishment and claiming he was 'driven to it'.