DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Pumperthepumper your generalizing.
Taring all with one brush, this is a very dangerous thing to do and most professionals in childcare are very weary of doing this.
The dad did wrong, but the sons actions would have been used by them to realise the dad was not beating the son, he was reacting badly to the son....

mummy2017 I can promise you that childcare professionals respond very badly to violence around children AND it’s very unlikely that they would see the violence as the son’s fault. ‘Childcare professionals’, you see, protect the child not the father.

Luckily, the violent father has you in Team Dad (!) fighting his corner.

Acts like this don't come out of the blue in non violent parents.
Most likely this father had already displayed some violent behaviour.

The other key issue is that it's a disproportionate response to what the boy reportedly did.
And it doesn't address the behaviour. It doesn't say anything about his drinking or the lying or the respect for parents. It's just revenge.

I tend to ask my teenager if he'd want me to speak to him like him when he pushes it (rarely, btw). That's usually enough. No point in getting into a big argument or dishing out punishments. Worst case, I call time out for both our sakes.

Parenting doesn't have to be about control and punishment.
It should be doing the best for our children, and they will recognise it, even if they don't like it much.

I don't see any of it from the OP's posts, which is why I'm concerned this won't be a true one off. And I bet things will escalate. Because none of them learnt anything healthy from what happened.

No child stays a little angel all their life's, if you have no troubles with your it may be they can empathize with others and would not want to hurt you.
But this son does not do this .
But it does not mean the dad is a child abuser..

Stop being judge and jury. Not your circus.

But it does not mean the dad is a child abuser..

Who said he was? He was violent. That’s a fact. He was violent around his own child. And you’re still Team Dad.

The father wouldn't have smashed his own phone. He smashed it because he considered it his son's phone.

How on earth do you know that? You don't know him or the boy.

The nonsense on this thread is astonishing frankly

Quite simply they are both in the wrong. The father may or may not be a violent abuser but based on one incident of damaging an object (and lets face it mobiles break easily) you cannot say 'red flag ltb' just bloody ridiculous.

The people around my children are decent but they are also human, that for me is healthy.

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it.
This is not a cowering frightened child.

@mummmy2017
People often adore abusive parents. This is quite normal.
Also. Being ‘dad of the year in the local papers’ means nothing. Just so you know, lots of men that are violent behind closed doors are ‘dad of the years’, vicars, pillars of the community, teachers, doctors, child protection officers and more. Nobody knows what parenting goes on behind closed doors.
Now your brothers may well be ‘dad of the year’ in the local papers but it does actually mean, fuck all.

Who wants their son to be the sort of man who smashes a mobile phone in a fit of rage? Hands up......

Stop being judge and jury.

And, yet, team DH pps are being in relation to the son.

Lots does not mean all.

“DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it”

So if the dad’s behaviour is absolutely fine, then obviously so is the boys?

This is not a cowering frightened child.

Yet.

But that's not the outcome, IMO. More likely, they will develop a mutually aggressive relarionship, which the son will try to distance himself from as soon as he can. Great result.
With any luck he will do his best to be a better parent, but he may also grow up to think violence and anger is how you deal with difficult situations. Fantastic.

@mummmy2017

'Stop being judge and jury'

'Team DH'

Oh the irony.

Supposition,

Why is nobody else suggesting smashing up the dad’s phone? Since that’s an excellent punishment for poor behaviour, why is nobody else agreeing that’s what should happen?

Or maybe not his phone - a phone probably doesn’t have the same emotional connect to a grown man as it does to a fourteen year old. Sell his golf clubs? Burn his running shoes? Smash up his bike in front of him? Destroy something he loves that he can’t afford to replace - surely that’s the solution to his poor behaviour?

sacope
Please give times dates and photo evidence of the dad's past and future actions of anger to the child.

I saw a quote which said something like "children always adore their parents however abusive they are. But the abused child learns to hate themselves
"
Children adore abusive parents.
Those children hate themselves

(they are always being told how awful.they are or arr alwys treated horriibly so must be bad and will grow up.with issues.

and lets face it mobiles break easily

Especially if someone stamps on them. On purpose. That's why most adults, however angry they are, won't do that. My 14-year-old threw his own phone at his brother in a fit of temper last year. It broke. He replaced it, through a combination of saving money and doing chores for his parents. We also drew up a contract that he signed, covering care of his replacement phone. That's all part of helping him - a kid who is currently going through massive neural changes, and, like all teenagers, has poor impulse control and risk assessment ability at the moment - learn how to control the more worrying/potentially damaging consequences of losing your temper. And also showing him that damaging stuff, even your own stuff, is not an acceptable response to being pissed off. No matter how incredibly annoying your brother can be...

Why is nobody else suggesting smashing up the dad’s phone?

RTFT

People react differently when they are angry. I would actually say smashing a phone or slamming a door for example is less bad than shouting.

How on earth is shouting worse than smashing someone's stuff? I wish my ex had shouted instead of smashing my phone, at least then I would still have the damn thing.

The bottom line is that parents should not be modelling to their children -particularly their boy children- that it is OK to smash things in a temper.

You'd think that that would be the bottom line, wouldn't you? I don't understand why people can't agree with that but apparently it's a controversial opinion.

I am calling everyone of you a liar...
You have shown anger to your child.
When you took their tea away as they were making a mess...
When you made your child put a toy back...
No parent ever in this world has not shown anger towards their child....

I don't think people are claiming that they never get angry, but that violence crosses a line.
Making a child put a toy back isn't exactly the same as destroying the toy in front of them.

I don't think people are claiming that they never get angry, but that violence crosses a line.

She knows that. She’s trying to justify the level of violence she allows around her own children.