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Original poster

DH smashed DS's phone

999 replies

thiscountryfan · 30/06/2019 20:12

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 07:57

The dad was wrong to do it.....BUT. ...the son pushed him to it....... Team dad.

multivac · 03/07/2019 08:01

You are clearly perfect vac I accept that, clearly some people probably are. You have never seen red as an adult, well done

Where on earth did you get that from? Or is that just a way of avoiding explaining why shouting is worse than smashing a phone, which is the same as slamming a door?

And mummy - this is about a parent-child relationship. Not a playground dispute. It's perfectly possible to be horrified by the father's behaviour, without condoning the son's.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/07/2019 08:04

They are clearly all wrong. Why do you think shouting is so different? Ah that'll be because it's what you do when you're angry I guess.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 08:08

“We all think the dad's smashing of a phone is wrong.....”

Really? I must be reading. Different thread.

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 08:13

Vac so your agreeing the son played a part in why this happened, and why no judge would jump to the conclusion that the dad is going to turn into a monster.

He was pushed lost it, after god knows how much parental abuse from his son.

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 08:21

deliberately picking up something that belongs to someone else and doing something to destroy it)

Chances are that the phone actually belongs to the husband, if he is paying for the contract. So he broke property that belongs to him.

I don't see a one off incident like this as a huge red flag. No, it's not great but to me, years of persistent low level nit picking and put downs (as I had from my mum) is far more damaging and abusive than a one off "dad loses temper and smashes phone when son repeatedly does something wrong" incident.

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 08:43

The dad was wrong to do it.....BUT. ...the son pushed him to it....... Team dad.

And, following from that ‘the victim of the violence pushed him to it...but the dad was wrong to do it, and what he did was worse...so he should also be punished....so the son should be praised for smashing the dad’s phone. Team Shit Parenting hooray!

multivac · 03/07/2019 08:53

They are clearly all wrong. Why do you think shouting is so different? Ah that'll be because it's what you do when you're angry I guess

Um, no - you were the one who put them into categories. You were the one who said shouting is 'worse'. And still haven't explained why (other than that "shouting is 'just' verbal", which isn't really helping me to understand the point you are trying to make).

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 08:56

So since we can now forecast the future..
Son realised what a shit he was, never does it again, is not traumatized and has a great relationship with his dad, grows up to be an amazing dad, and wins an award for dad of the year .. in 2040....

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 09:02

Or, more likely, the son is repeatedly told that someone in an authoritative position to you (hopefully someone in your family, because they love you the most and smashing your stuff equals love) can do whatever the fuck they like to you and/or your possessions and will be praised for it. The son takes on this example of stellar parenting and in turn, has his own child - he doesn’t set clear boundaries for that child, obviously, because that’s what he learned from his father - and when that child (newly a teen, still learning) does something wrong, the son can react with violence too. A lovely, unbroken circle of terrible parenting and violence.

multivac · 03/07/2019 09:06

Um, or something somewhere in the middle, perhaps?

The most shocking thing for me on this thread has not been the OP's description of what happened - but rather, some posters' reaction to it ('the little shit deserved it'; 'serves him right'; 'team DH!' etc.). That's what worries me, because that's about society's view of male pattern violence, and especially women's acceptance of it, not one, specific incident of a parent losing his temper and acting badly (which most of us have experience of).

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 09:07

So my brother's who are both amazing dad's and got told of by my father, smacked by the way .. adored our dad, cried like babys when he died a few years ago and yes one even got dad of the year from local newspapers, are a figment of my imagination.....

ReanimatedSGB · 03/07/2019 09:21

Sadly, people brought up by abusive bullies often do grieve when the bully dies, because we all know we are supposed to 'love' our parents even when they are vicious scum. Even as we grow up and start to realise that they are horrible people who treat us badly, there is a part of us that longs for them to love and care for us properly (and abusers are more than capable of being nice when it suits them, anyway.)

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 09:22

You can adore your abuser, that’s not an unusual thing. Being told off and being smacked are two different things, but of course you know that. Told off vs ‘justifiable assualt’, it’s a tough call.

I have no idea whether or not your brothers are made up. I do know though, and this thread confirms it, that the bar for being considered an excellent father is barely off the ground so forgive me for not being blown away by your maybe-pretend brother’s award.

Lweji · 03/07/2019 09:28

The father wouldn't have smashed his own phone. He smashed it because he considered it his son's phone.

Owlchemist · 03/07/2019 09:37

Sadly, people brought up by abusive bullies often do grieve when the bully dies, because we all know we are supposed to 'love' our parents even when they are vicious scum.

Maybe don't call other people's parents viscious scum.

sacope · 03/07/2019 09:40

We all think the dad's smashing of a phone is wrong.....

The dad was wrong to do it.....BUT. ...the son pushed him to it....... Team dad.

@mummmy2017 both of those quotes are from you.

Still not understanding I see

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 09:40

I just realised why we are disagreeing.
In my life all men are not abusive, all the men I love and care about are good people, my dad was not an abusive bully and I resent your unsubscribe views of this.
I pity your lack of what I view as the norm.
Please accept my apologies for the shitty men you know...Not all men are like that.

sacope · 03/07/2019 09:43

@mummmy2017

People are disagreeing with you because you are trying to use the sons behaviour to justify the dads - that's not ok. It is how abusive men get away with this kind of thing. And then it escalates.

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 09:46

Please accept my apologies for the shitty men you know...Not all men are like that.

Like what? Reacting violently to their own children?

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 09:48

The men in my life, and my children’s lives, don’t use violence at all. That’s the difference between the men you know and the men I know.

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 09:51

Parents are people...
They are not perfect, we transgress.
It does not mean because it happens once it is the downward spiral into child abuse. .
That is not the normal way of things
Why can you not conceed in this is one case, OPs husband may never ever repeat this. Ever again......

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2019 09:54

Why can you not conceed in this is one case, OPs husband may never ever repeat this. Ever again......

Why can’t you concede that he might repeat it again? He obviously can’t control himself around his own child, why wouldn’t he do it again? Especially if his child keeps taking his beer and smirking at him - what’s the incentive not to do it again?

BertrandRussell · 03/07/2019 09:55

He may well not. Or he may. Whatever- the fact that he smashed something in a temper will stay with the boy forever as something that people- men- do. Most people do not smash phones when they lose their tempers.

BlooShampoo · 03/07/2019 09:56

Nah. Son's behaviour was shit, but smashing the phone was a completely unacceptable and disproportionate response. Dad needs to replace the phone and impose a more reasonable consequence instead.

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