DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

@WidoWanky I absolutely agree with your response.
As I have said before too many people are allowing their kids to get away with things!
Soft parenting is what has created a generation of self entitled individuals that think they can go do what ever they want

I am very far from a "soft parent" and have never destroyed my children's property in a fit of rage

There is a train of thought that by patents being so liberal in their raising of children they are creating a generation of self entitled , who when they enter the work place are shocked to find there are rules they have to obey..

We all agree the dad should not have smashed the phone ..He agrees as well and had said sorry to his son.
However the son shows no remorse for his part in this saga.

The OP is parenting her child ... Not trying to be his friend.

Well done OP....

I am not convinced that allowing your child to be subjected to that sort of behaviour is parenting to be honest.

The op then moans about her son’s tantrum. Without a trace or irony

Of course the son had a tantrum.
It is fine for him to take from another person, as he was gaining from it, when he suffered the loss of his phone the tables turned and his life was effected to the negative.

The OP is parenting her child ... Not trying to be his friend.

And yet... They had allowed him to have bottles of beer in front of them.
But then forbid it.
That's not parenting in my book.
Parenting requires some consistency and clear messages and boundaries.
It seems to me that in the OP's family there's little parenting. And that is the problem to start with. Hence the fits of rage by the dad. This will have been and extreme case, but this never comes as a one off. I'll bet on constant screaming, raging and inconsistent "disciplining".
But this will be brushed under the carpet as a one off. And the cycle will continue.

There is a train of thought that by patents being so liberal in their raising of children they are creating a generation of self entitled , who when they enter the work place are shocked to find there are rules they have to obey..

Well I'd say taking something that doesn't belong to you and destroying it is pretty self-entitled. I don't see how it teaches anyone anything about the workplace, if you lose your shit in a rage at work I don't think you're going to be keeping your job for very long.

I don't think that the son shouldn't be disciplined, but like a lot of people I am shocked that other people will not only make excuses for smashing his phone, but celebrate it. It's not right, it's a crime, I wish people would stop thinking the dad has just taught his son a valuable life lesson.

Parenting requires some consistency and clear messages and boundaries.

It is a boundary to say that it's ok to drink a small amount, with us, but you aren't to help yourself and drink alone.

If you teach them to drive then they know they can drive the car while you are supervising them but that they can't take the car on their own and without your knowledge, don't they?

The beer in a shop isn't the boys if he took that it is shoplifting . ..
He was told not to take beer belonging to his dad .

He goes to his friends house and takes beer out of their fridge....
All of these are stealing.....

The beer in a shop isn't the boys if he took that it is shoplifting . ..
He was told not to take beer belonging to his dad .
He goes to his friends house and takes beer out of their fridge....
All of these are stealing.....

Well it's good his dad showed him that mature adults don't take other peoples' stuff and commit crimes...

... oh wait no, he showed him the opposite.

It is a boundary to say that it's ok to drink a small amount, with us, but you aren't to help yourself and drink alone.

A bottle of beer at 14 (or less) is not a small amount. And it normalises drinking.

There's a reason drinking alcohol and driving are not legally allowed for 14 year olds. Because they are not sufficiently responsible, including on keeping within limits.

I'm curious if the OP explained the rules of drinking to the teenager or just forbids him from having "dad's beers".
It's interesting that the issue was "stealing", not drinking alcohol alone or behind the parents back. In that case, I'd be more worried than angry.
The parenting seems all messed up in all sorts ways.

In any case, how can this behaviour justify a fit of rage that leads to destroying a phone?
I'm also more worried about the parent than the teen.

There's a reason drinking alcohol and driving are not legally allowed for 14 year olds.

But they ARE allowed to drink alcohol at home when they are 14.

We all agree the dad should not have smashed the phone ..He agrees as well and had said sorry to his son.
However the son shows no remorse for his part in this saga.

The OP is parenting her child ... Not trying to be his friend.

@mummmy2017 your posts are just getting sillier. You sound like the kind of person who will minimise and excuse violence and abusive behaviour towards yourself, never mind your children. I'm sorry if I have read you wrong, but I'm even more sorry if it's right.

The dad saying sorry isn't him showing remorse. I'm sorry that you think it does.

The OP is not parenting her child, part of parenting means protecting our children from people like the father.

Their children tend not to lie or drink secretly.

Don't be ridiculous. You can set clear rules for your kids, have boundaries, I still think some kids will lie or attempt to push back secretly, like through drinking behind a parents back. They know it's wrong, they know if they get caught there will be consequences, but they do it anyway and are prepared to take the punishment if they get caught. To blame it all on parenting all the time is beyond me, children have their own mind, feelings, desires, that can't be completely moulded by the parents. Pushing boundaries is done by most teenagers.

But they ARE allowed to drink alcohol at home when they are 14.

Fine. No need to worry about this teen drinking beer alone then. Just the cost of the bottles.

Pushing boundaries is done by most teenagers.
Exactly. And my teen is afraid of punishments that I warn him about.
Surprisingly, not of me smashing his phone or any of his things.

Actually, a 14-year-old is allowed alcohol in a pub or bar or restaurant, though under certain limits (if accompanied by an adult, and only beer/cider/wine, and only with a meal.)
Though 'it's the law' is not all that relevant, anyway. Laws are made by people and some of them are stupid and some of them are unethical.

Also, while there are a few people who are raising very entitled, spoilt children and young people, a lot of the whining and moaning about 'snowflakes' and 'soft parenting' comes from those who are failures and bullies themselves, and who see adulthood as a matter of finally being big enough to push other people around. You know, petty little losers who are desperate to be able to claim some status or authority for themselves, and if they can't manage to reach a workplace level where they get to tell someone else what to do and have the power to punish them in some way, they'll take that attitude towards their own DC. For these failures, 'parent your child' inevitably means 'Be cruel, scare your child, insist on being revered and obeyed even if you are being irrational and selfish'.

@Lweji no need for the

You are the one that said it was against the law. I just pointed out it isn't. I literally said nothing about whether I thought it was ok or not. Just that it is legally ok.

Exactly. And my teen is afraid of punishments that I warn him about.

What if they aren't? "I'll confiscate your phone" "you'll have to get it off me first" are you going to physically fight them? Or "you're grounded" do you lock all the windows and doors so they cannot possibly get out, all night in summer? If a teen wants to be a shit about it, they will, and some of the best parents in the world can still end up with that kind of behaviour imo, but we may disagree.

Well, I don't rely on punishments, tbh. I have conversations mainly. I still get boundaries crossed, but I don't get into rages. If I do get angry, I get time out to think about it. I challenge his behaviour or attitude.
There's no point in getting into big arguments.
He's learning to be an adult, I have no interest in setting rules as if he was five.

You are the one that said it was against the law.

The point wasn't of legality but in a context of driving and having boundaries and keeping to them.

The was for the parents who are more worried about the cost of the bottles than the drinking itself.
Possibly because they can't justify limiting his alcohol intake in face of their own consumption. And then get into (alcohol fueled?) rages.

It is a boundary to say that it's ok to drink a small amount, with us, but you aren't to help yourself and drink alone.

No it's not.

It's a very confusing rule.

Rules and boundaries are not the same thing.

I have helped three woman and their children out of abusive relationships.
I know what abuse is.. being made to scrub a floor with a toothbrush at 8 months pregnant... My best friend.
This man did something once, pushed by a teenager who is old enough to know what he did, is I bet is as tall as his dad, and the dad is not normally like this, so mitigating circumstances.. The child was not hurt has not got a bruise on him... But you have cast him as an innocent victim of his dad's rage.

This says far more about you than me.....

I know what abuse is.. being made to scrub a floor with a toothbrush at 8 months pregnant...

Do you think that only such behaviour is abuse?
I'm sorry you think like that.