DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

OP: what happens to you if you disobey or 'disrespect' your H? If your immediate answer is that you never, ever disagree with him then you might want to have a think about why...

So would it be ok for the dad to simply have refused to pay the mobile phone contract anymore then? Is it the act of smashing the phone that is causing the outrage or are you all saying that the son has a right to a phone?

So, if the dad replaces the handset but terminates the contract as punishment for the son's behaviour, would that be ok?

It seems like some posters just don't agree that this teen should have any sanctions at all for his behaviour.

t seems like some posters just don't agree that this teen should have any sanctions at all for his behaviour.

No one has actually said that though, have they?

I think there should be sanctions for the teens behaviour. It’s dreadful. But none of those sanctions would include violence.

No one has actually said that though, have they?

That's the impression that I get though - some think that him having to pay for the missing beer is sufficient, but that is ignoring the lying, the refusing to follow rules, the unsupervised under age drinking - what's a suitable punishment for that?

If a woman was in the situation of having her food and drink taken by her partner, he was lying and laughing and smirking at her and she finally snapped after a year and smashed his phone , you would all be saying LTB.....
But because the child is the one pushing buttons it is the dad to blame. .nice

Lying is a common defence strategy for anyone, especially teenagers, who has to live with one or more controlling bullies...

So would it be ok for the dad to simply have refused to pay the mobile phone contract anymore then? Is it the act of smashing the phone that is causing the outrage or are you all saying that the son has a right to a phone?

It's the act of smashing the phone in a rage that people have an issue with because it was a violent loss of control which destroyed something he had no right to destroy and is criminal damage. If the husband had said he wouldn't pay for the phone any more and the son had to earn it somehow no one would have cared so much. The two situations are very different

That's the impression that I get though

It doesn't really matter what impression you get. Nobody has said this at all.

Generally for mine then I restrict cash extras for days out, cinema , pizzas , concerts etc . I don’t limit their base line allowance but that’s it, there’s nothing else. I would talk it out until they’re bored sick. Trust is earned so break it and there’s more restrictions next time, ie.. they don’t stay out as late. But really that’s it... they WANT the privileges that come with being trusted. So they pretty soon figure out what to do and what not to do if they want lifts back at midnight and cash in their pocket. Also I limit the data allowance on the phone to the minimum. If they want more, they pay (obvs dont don’t do this on a contract).

@mummmy2017

There's so much wrong with your post...
By definition a child is not a woman (an adult).
Any woman who ended up smashing her partner's phone would be criticised for being abusive, even is she paid for it. And told she should LTB for his behaviour, but not excused for the violence.
More likely, she'd be considered controlling if she considered her partner to be stealing from her if he drank some of her beer (or wine).

Your comparisons and imagined situations don't work.

But because the child is the one pushing buttons it is the dad to blame. .nice

The dad IS to blame.

Can you not see that? The dad smashed the phone. Nobody else. He is 100% accountable for that.

If a woman was in the situation of having her food and drink taken by her partner, he was lying and laughing and smirking at her and she finally snapped after a year and smashed his phone , you would all be saying LTB.....

Hmm no, I'd still think she had no right to do that. I'd also wonder why she and her boyfriend's food didn't belong to both of them anyway, assuming they lived together?

For me it’s the smashing of the phone. I see it as very violent . That said I do think teenagers rely on their phones for a manner of things that ARE essential. And then a whole host of stuff that 100% isn’t. So for me reducing the data allowance down as a consequence of disrespect is quite fair. Because they still can ration their data for essentials, but have to restrict the majority of the fun stuff.

If a woman was in the situation of having her food and drink taken by her partner, he was lying and laughing and smirking at her and she finally snapped after a year and smashed his phone , you would all be saying LTB.....
Well yes; but that wouldn't make what she did ok. It's also not comparable. Adult/Adult relationship isn't the same as Adult/Child.

I would advise any woman to leave a man who was behaving like that towards her. I would advise any parent to parent their child. Not to show them that loss of control, and her and violence is the way to deal with things.

@thiscountryfan I agree with @Kyriesmum1 advice (post at 17:02). Balanced advice and probably a great punishment phone idea too.

We all lose our shit occasionally as parents. I once dropped the F bomb in front of DD and the shock enough made her realise she’d gone too far. I apologised for crossing a line too and peace resolved. It happens and parents are human too.

I’d follow @Kyriesmum1 advice as it’s a good compromise and teaches everyone the consequences to their actions.

DH has no form for this behaviour. He is not a bully. He was wrong, he made a mistake and lost control. He knows that. He has told DS that. He has apologised.Amends will be made.

Clear boundaries will be set for DS ( dare say it won't take long to test them!) and consequences imposed. (BTW We don't sanction food - just get a bit pissed off when any and all treats disappear within 2 hours!)

We're all human. We all make mistakes. The important thing is what we do when we make them. In this instance I am not going to blow it out of all proportion

Thank you for all your replies

More likely, she'd be considered controlling if she considered her partner to be stealing from her if he drank some of her beer

If I buy myself a bottle of wine, I don't expect DP to take a glass without asking me 1st. In the same way I wouldn't take a cider from a pack he had bought without asking him. Again, just manners. I might not say "stealing' but I do think it's rude.

Yes, of course, let's just brush the violent act under the carpet. Far too uncomfortable to deal with that. Just class it as a loss of control. Never happened before. Nothing to see here. Move along please.

OP, I hope you have taken in what those of us who have experienced domestic violence have said. Because this is how it starts. Something that can be excused away without too many questions, because he's never done it before. There's always a first time and this was his first time. Please take care of yourself and your son and think carefully about what has happened without being defensive.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. The important thing is what we do when we make them.

Actually, in this situation, what YOU do matters more for your son that what his dad does right now. His dad is always going to be sorry. They always are.

In this instance I am not going to blow it out of all proportion

I sincerely hope we don't see you back in a few months wishing that you realised what the proportion was.

I'm going to bow out now because I don't think for a minute you or anyone e else on the thread who thinks it's ok has the ability to see things clearly at all.

I wish you and your son all the best.

@Baritriwsahys Im not superior

You're not. But you think you are.

I’m sure when your husband’s colleagues annoy him, he grabs their phones and smashes them.

I haven't said dad is right for what he did, it was a mistake done in the heat of the moment. You have no idea of what is happening in his life other than the little bit of story shared on here. For all we know he could have lost someone, had an awful day at work etc and this just tipped him over the edge.
Kyriesmum

So if you're having a bad day it's ok to use violence against someone who tips you over the edge?

Someone who chews gum loudly behind you on the train home for instance?

Someone who cuts you off on the motorway?

Someone whose dog barks at you as you walk home?

Assuming your bad day starts almost as soon as you walk into your office and nothing goes right from then on, is it OK to slap the receptionist at 4.30 if she forwards a scam call to you?

Your answer based on your posts here would be yes.

Some people seem not to really understand what boundaries are.

Hilariously, it's some of the people arguing that the dad was in the right here who are throwing the word around.

Boundaries are about your behaviour, your self control, how you let other people treat you and how you respond to the way they treat you. They are about assertiveness, not aggression or kneejerk reactions or losing your temper and giving someone a 'lesson' in how not to behave when they have 'pushed your buttons'. People with solid boundaries do not have hot buttons like that. People with solid boundaries do not respond with fear or insecurity, which the dad did here. They know they are in charge and they know that nothing will faze them. They lead by example.

Their children tend not to lie or drink secretly.

Have I opened this thread and been transported to another universe? All these responses supporting the DH?

I am shocked. How can anybody suggest that is OK? I know plenty of people who parent effectively without smashing up their childrens’ property.

As a PP said, if it were the OP’s phone that had been smashed...