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Original poster

DH smashed DS's phone

999 replies

thiscountryfan · 30/06/2019 20:12

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/07/2019 09:17

And how do you think that more extreme sort of abuse started and developed?
Probably because the initial stages were ignored and excused. Sad

cdlaivfifd · 02/07/2019 09:19

@mummmy2017 your latest post just really backs up what I thought. I'm sorry.

cdlaivfifd · 02/07/2019 09:21

The child was not hurt has not got a bruise on him...

WOW. I'm not going to waste any further time. You clearly do not have a clue.

But you have cast him as an innocent victim of his dad's rage.

This is not something I have said at all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families
raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 09:24

Some of us know what abuse is too, having experienced it Confused. And we think that if someone commits a violent act, it's not something to be lauded or excused or blamed on the victim , even if the victim is a dick too.

mummmy2017 · 02/07/2019 09:30

cdlaivfifd. Whatever .

differentnameforthis · 02/07/2019 09:30

Your dh has the right to parent who he feels appropriate. If his phone is the only thing ds cares about, hit him where it hurts! I assume dh contributes or pays ds's phone bill?

I would tell ds, when he replaces what he stole, I would consider replacing what was broken, but it would be a second hand cheapy, not a smart phone. Seeing as your ds can't replace the alcohol without help for some time yet, he has a long wait ahead of him for a replacement phone.

Then move the alcohol as he cannot be trusted.

cdlaivfifd · 02/07/2019 09:37

@mummmy2017

Point made.

raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 09:41

If his phone is the only thing ds cares about, hit him where it hurts!

I despair

AzraiL · 02/07/2019 09:49

Unless DS is paying for his own phone, then dad has the right to confiscate/get rid of it. Probably would not recommended he do it in the manner he did though. Which he has since acknowledged. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes and I'm sure we've all lost our cool at some point when our kids have tested us.

Now you need to be a team player with his dad and show a united front while addressing your son's shitty attitude. Because if left unchecked he will grow from a young teenager with a shitty attitude to a fully fledged adult with a shitty attitude and you definately don't want that.

Best of luck to you, OP.

differentnameforthis · 02/07/2019 09:51

How, not who.

Can't tell him what to do anymore yet he still needs us to guide him and pull him up on unacceptable behaviour Why can't you tell him what to do anymore? He's still a child

DS is given the odd beer here and there so it's not like he's missing out

And he wouldn't be missing out if you didn't let him have beer. Honestly, bypassing the effects of alcohol on the developing brain, children DO NOT need alcohol. Contrary to popular belief it doesn't teach them moderation, and as you are seeing, they want more and more.

How does that give him permission to then just help himself

It doesn't. For your ds to be stealing it when given it freely is already pointing to a problem in my opinion.

cdlaivfifd · 02/07/2019 09:56

Now you need to be a team player with his dad and show a united front while addressing your son's shitty attitude.

I would say OP needs to address her DH shitty attitude also.

Because if left unchecked he will grow from a young teenager with a shitty attitude to a fully fledged adult with a shitty attitude and you definately don't want that.

Rather than growing into an adult who thinks it's ok to smash other people's things when you are angry?

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2019 09:57

“Because if left unchecked he will grow from a young teenager with a shitty attitude to a fully fledged adult with a shitty attitude and you definately don't want that.”

What- like his dad?

BiBabbles · 02/07/2019 10:16

Willpower is a limited resource and, with it being such a flashpoint, it would be far better and easier to change the environment than to expect your DS to quickly change to this expectation. Make taking it harder, make better options easier, and better habits are more likely to develop.

The high temptation foods we have had issues with are kept where I can keep an eye on it during in the day (in the front room in a clear container rather than the kitchen). For beer or other foods that need a fridge that he is known to steal, I'd recommend either not having it in the house, using a minifridge with a lock, or a fridge safe which is literally what it is described - a safe that goes in the fridge.

As this situation needs defusing both from the DS stealing and the DH smashing over this, personally, I think the environmental changes should address both. I just wouldn't keep beer in the house if this is what it causes - adults can drink elsewhere or just buy what they want for that day. I really don't get the appeal of giving young teens alcohol - it never seemed to do my siblings any good when my parents did it & it seemed to only encourage those I knew who were allowed to drink with their parents to want to to drink more (I didn't drink as a teen largely from seeing others drink, I still don't get the appeal), but if it's really what you want to do, only buy what you want for those occasions and then the DS can't steal and the DH can't get overly pissed off about it.

mummmy2017 · 02/07/2019 10:27

The only point you have made is that unlike me ... You will and have been judge, jury and executioner on a single act by the husband.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 13:02

There's a reason drinking alcohol and driving are not legally allowed for 14 year olds.

14 year olds are legally allowed to drink. In a restaurant they can drink beer, wine or cider with a meal legally from the age of 14.

Owlchemist · 02/07/2019 13:05

Some of us know what abuse is too, having experienced it confused. And we think that if someone commits a violent act, it's not something to be lauded or excused or blamed on the victim , even if the victim is a dick too.

Here yeah, but someone earlier said that if an abused woman snaps and breaks her partner's phone, she is also in the wrong. I disagree. Have there not been times where a woman has snapped and killed her abuser and not been shamed for it as being also a violent abuser? I certaintly wouldn't judge a woman for reacting back violently against someone who has been abusing them, never ever.

Owlchemist · 02/07/2019 13:06

it is a boundary to say that it's ok to drink a small amount, with us, but you aren't to help yourself and drink alone.

No it's not.

It's a very confusing rule.

Come on now, her DS must be stupid if that rule confused him. Seems very clear to me.

raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 13:20

Here yeah, but someone earlier said that if an abused woman snaps and breaks her partner's phone, she is also in the wrong. I disagree.

The example given was that her partner was eating her food and smirking at her, I still don't think breaking someone's phone is in proportion to that. I've lived in houseshares where people have eaten my food, but again I have refrained from smashing their phones:/ Similarly the teenage son here wasn't being abusive by taking some alcohol. What he did was wrong and he should have been disciplined, but the response from the father was out of proportion and abusive.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 13:29

But the relationship between parent and child is different than that between housemates, partners or work colleagues isn't it? If your housemate stayed out all night you couldn't ground them, if your spouse gets into trouble at work their boss wouldn't contact you to tell you about it with the expectation that you punish them at home would they?

As parents we are expected to discipline our children. Yes, the dad in this case went too far but, on just this basis, I don't think we can say he's abusive.

It sounds like the son has previously been reprimanded for similar behaviour and it appears not to have worked so I can understand the dad escalating the punishment - I wouldn't have smashed the phone because inevitably it would have been me replacing it so really I would have been punishing myself. Was smashing the phone a step too far? Yes, probably. Is it abusive? As an isolated incident, no I don't think so. Should the son be punished for his behaviour? Yes, he should.

Owlchemist · 02/07/2019 13:40

The example given was that her partner was eating her food and smirking at her, I still don't think breaking someone's phone is in proportion to that.

I missed that nuance, I just disagree that violence should never be met with more violence.

raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 13:42

Yes I agree that the parent/child relationship is different, and I think that makes this situation worse. When my ex threw my phone against the wall and broke it I knew that it was wrong and that you shouldn't do that. If a parent does it to their child, how will the child learn that it's wrong? They could go on to smash other peoples' possessions thinking that it is a normal way to behave.

The NSPCC defines domestic abuse as 'any type of controlling, bullying, threatening or violent behaviour between people in a relationship'. Under this definition, smashing someone's phone surely is abusive.

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 13:46

The NSPCC defines domestic abuse as 'any type of controlling, bullying, threatening or violent behaviour between people in a relationship'.

Well then any parent who tells their child to be home by a certain time, or to get off the X box, or to eat their dinner before they can have sweets is controlling and therefore abusive.

Had the dad confiscated the phone as a punishment that also could be deemed controlling - or indeed, parenting.

raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 14:02

Well I guess you need to tell the NSPCC to change their definition then

raskolnikova · 02/07/2019 14:08

How do you define domestic abuse?

DecomposingComposers · 02/07/2019 16:12

So are you saying that parents imposing normal rules on children is abusive then?

Because you seem to be saying that any controlling behaviour within a relationship is abusive.

How do you define controlling?

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