DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

And never do it again, but your condeming he on one act

I haven’t actually. I’ve said it was fucking shocking parenting and he needs to replace what he destroyed.

And he needs to try and repair his relationship with his son.

I remember the first time my father acted violent infront of me. I lost all respect for him in that split second. It just made me think he might hurt me that was all even though he never touched me.
That didn’t bode well for future relationship between myself and him and actually just made me fearful of all men whilst also believing that acting out like that was normal and just what happens.

It’s not normal. That’s criminal damage and domestic abuse. Your husband lost his shit at a child smirking if he can’t cope with that he needs to get himself help. I hope Ds tells his school about his lovely weekend with his violent father smashing up his belongings.

Actually if DH pays for the phone contract technically he smashed up his own property.....

Bet you OP wishes she'd never posted!

She shouldn't be buying soft drinks or junk food. Now.

I would tell DS you will replace the smart phone, but in a weeks time/or fortnight, then try the punishment phone as suggested above in the meantime.

@Baritriwsahys my Pom poms are massive

JacquesHammer

I'm not sure that paragraph 1 and 2 relate to paragraph 3:

"We've all lost our temper and anyone who says they haven't are lying!!

I haven’t. Ever.

Because my daughter has firm and clear boundaries that aren’t backed up by bloody fear. "

They do relate. My daughter had firm boundaries in place from the beginning. She doesn’t act out so why would I need to scare her into behaving?

@ooooohbetty

my Pom poms are massive

That's not something to be proud of.

I did suggest you think about what you were saying, I guess you found it too difficult.

Just had an amazing idea, when you do replace his phone didn't buy brand new, get a second hand one, in same make....
Your DS does not deserve brand new.

Oh dear. There is a real fucked up dynamic playing out in your house.

This situation needn’t have happened in the first place if you had clear and consistent boundaries at home especially about things like drug and alcohol use. A 14 year old child should not be given alcohol by their parent. Full stop. They just don’t need it, it is not good for their developing brains at that age, and you really are risking starting them off on a potentially destructive habit at a young age. Why did you even start condoning the drinking?? I’ve seen this happen in a few adults whose parents let them drink alcohol from 14/15 thinking they were doing good by “normalising” it rather than making it seem like a forbidden pleasure. Hardened drinkers by 21, Alcoholics by the time they’re 30, convictions for drink driving soon after. Divorce, messed up life.

Yes, teens might ask for some but as parent you need to make clear where the boundaries are and yours should have been “you are 14. No way are you old enough for alcohol yet. None.”

first time he took beer without telling you should have been a warning sign that there is something not right going on there. I would be horrified if that happened in my house and realised that I’d fucked up by starting him on that slippery slope of a habit in the first place. Gave a bollocking and confiscated the phone and MOST IMPORTANTLY locked all the alcohol away. And stopped giving the child any alcohol immediately.

So it really shouldn’t have reached this stage where he has stolen again and a phone has ended up smashed by your husband. No parent should react like that, as we’re the ones in control. He should have confiscated his phone for much longer This time, immediately told him “no more alcohol till you’re older and able to deal with it better” (17 perhaps? Maybe the ODD one at home with special meal at 16?)

You have to wonder if the boy is secretly drinking because he is unhappy with things at home. In my experience happy settled teens with parents who set clear firm boundaries at home in a calm way tend not to end up seeking solace in alcohol, drugs, gangs, casual sex etc

@JacquesHammer

My kids have firm and clear boundaries, doesn't mean that they've never tested them!!

No one knows any of this families back story, I could bore you all with mine but I won't, however my eldest dd has been very trying. Not because she didn't have boundaries in place, but because after over 60 surgeries she needed to make sure the boundaries were still there to make her feel safe.

I work with children who come from assorts of backgrounds, boundaries is what makes them feel safe but that's not to say that it is easy to deal with them testing boundaries.

I haven't said dad is right for what he did, it was a mistake done in the heat of the moment. You have no idea of what is happening in his life other than the little bit of story shared on here. For all we know he could have lost someone, had an awful day at work etc and this just tipped him over the edge. He's apologised and in doing that he has shown his son that even grown ups can get things wrong and that you take responsibility for it and show them how to apologise and that no one is above it!

Sorry if I've offended anyone but no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, he is not a child beater and it doesn't appear that he acts like this on a regular basis. I work with parents who believe they do no wrong and that definitely isn't the best example to set for the kids.....

@Baritriwsahys you're totally correct. Because you suggested it I've thought very hard about what I said and realised I was very very wrong to say I have massive pom poms. Everything I said was wrong. I bow to your obviously superior parenting skills.

Actually if DH pays for the phone contract technically he smashed up his own property.....

My ex bought me a replacement phone on a contract. During another incident, he took it back off me, saying it was his property. The police made him give it back. I don't have a phone any more, more trouble than it's worth.

I don't know the OPs husband, he might be a great guy who lost it one time and never do anything like this again. I don't think he's a monster, and I don't think my ex is a monster either. I just think that smashing people's stuff is a violent act and people should not be making excuses for it or claiming it's effective discipline. I also think it's setting a terrible example. But what do I know, I've only lived it:/

OPs husband has said sorry to his son and could never ever do something like this ever again

If he was sorry he’d replace it?

Your son is more likely to have apologised if the phone was simply confiscated
He is way too upset to see another persons point of view
Make a chart/ ladder type thing on the fridge leading up to phone repair/ replacement be clear on acceptable behaviour expectations
Spend more quality time together as a family repairing the damage

But this is subjective....
None of us can say 100% the outcome in another families life's.
Each of us is projecting....
The only constant is that children misbehaving causes issues.

This is such bollocks.
His dad wouldn’t have trashed his phone if he’d taken a bar of chocolate.
His dad’s pissed off because his DS nicked his beer, gave him a bit of cheek and so he
Smashed His Son’s Phone Up
Yeah that showed him.

But this is subjective....

So it seems. It shouldn't be though. It should be very simple.

@ooooohbetty

Im not superior. I just know cuntish behaviour when I see it and smashing a kids mobile phone is cuntish behaviour.

Baritriwsahys but each case has different reasons...
We have no idea exactly what this child said to his dad, how long it took before the dad reacted, how many times this child had lied before this event....
Parents are not super human we do things we regret ...

Thank you Mummy

but each case has different reasons..

There is no reason where this is acceptable.

Suggestion it may be justified is ridiculous.

It'll be another slippery slope. This one to alcoholism and eating disorders. The poor op has her hands full.