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Original poster

DH smashed DS's phone

999 replies

thiscountryfan · 30/06/2019 20:12

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

OP posts:
Kyriesmum1 · 01/07/2019 17:52

God some of you are making it sound like DH beat the son!! It was a phone and it got smashed up. We've all lost our temper and anyone who says they haven't are lying!! Although it wasn't the best way to deal with the situation none of us were there, we haven't seen the lead up or experienced it. I have three teenagers and my god they are harder than the baby!! Sad that in this day and age people think it's ok for children to disrespect adults and then get a sparkling new phone out of it because poor dad had reached the end of the tether. Is the done going to pay for all the beer he's stolen?? No! Some people need to get a grip, she's was asking for advice not a shitstorm of criticism.

Also just to note my children drink alcohol on special occasions, it's normal and teaches kids to control their drinking and have some trust given to them!

As for fridge/cupboard my kids can have anything they want as long as they ask for it. We don't say no it's a monitoring process, I have 6 kids in my home and if everyone just helped themselves without informing me of what was being taken the fridge would be bare in seconds. It's courtesy they aren't paying for the food so asking the person who buys it isn't unreasonable! I wouldn't just walk into my mums house and help myself!!

Baritriwsahys · 01/07/2019 17:53

Generally it's only junk food/soft drinks/etc

If you don't want him eating junk food don't buy it. I'm sorry but I don't think a 14yo taking a soft drink is an issue. Surely at 14 they are allowed to get a drink when they want?

Owlchemist · 01/07/2019 17:53

have a 14-year-old DS who doesn't have to grovel to me if he wants something to eat or drink

I don't think it's grovelling to say "Mum, can I have...?"

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families
Baritriwsahys · 01/07/2019 17:54

We've all lost our temper and anyone who says they haven't are lying!!

Read the posts again. No one has said they have net lost their temper. They have said they didn't smash up someone else's property because they lost their temper.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2019 17:54

I get the feeling that there are people here who do not have experience of feeding a teenage boy.

They can almost eat their weight in a day, and drink gallons of milk.

You need to up your feeding game significantly once your sons turn 12-13-14.

Owlchemist · 01/07/2019 17:55

It's courtesy they aren't paying for the food so asking the person who buys it isn't unreasonable! I wouldn't just walk into my mums house and help myself!!

Exactly. And if my DD buys snacks for herself out of her pocket money, I wouldn't go to the fridge and eat that food without asking her. It's basic respect and manners.

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2019 17:55

We've all lost our temper and anyone who says they haven't are lying!!

I haven’t. Ever.

Because my daughter has firm and clear boundaries that aren’t backed up by bloody fear.

Sad that in this day and age people think it's ok for children to disrespect adults and then get a sparkling new phone out of it because poor dad had reached the end of the tether

Poor dad? An adult who displays a disproportionate level of anger

Is the done going to pay for all the beer he's stolen??

Yes. I think the son should. To the tune of the fiver the OP has said it would cost.

The father should replace the phone.

Baritriwsahys · 01/07/2019 17:56

poor dad had reached the end of the tether.

It makes me so sad that so many women can't see this for what it is.

pinkcrocs · 01/07/2019 18:00

I’m with your dh. But only because you’ve said he doesn’t normally react i. This manner and your ds is pushing boundaries and not reacting to anything you’ve already put in place.
The thing is, I’ve worked in jobs where if the young employee smirked rudely they’re out the door. As pp have said, a better thing to do would be confiscate the phone for a fair length of time but if the young people of today can push boundaries and not have any consequences they’ll find out too late that the boundaries still exist outside of the parental home but the consequences are far far greater than their parents losing their shit on a given day.

Hwory · 01/07/2019 18:01

I would suggest your DH gets a hold of himself in future as your son could have retaliated either physically or started smashing up your house.

You don’t want to be teaching your children it’s okay to lash out if someone pisses you off.

martinidry · 01/07/2019 18:01

I have no sympathy for the OP's repeatedly disrespectful son and I have no problem with her husband's actions. I'd be blowed if I was going to buy the boy a new phone.

Baritriwsahys · 01/07/2019 18:03

It's only on mn that people say they let their children eat anything they want when they want.

Is it? My children ate for years before I was on Mumsnet.

Meanwhile in the real world people don't have unlimited funds and time to replace food

No but they can buy enough food in the first place. Not junk food like OP mentions, actual food.

that was bought to last a certain time, or was to go towards meals

They don't have to eat food that's for meals though; if you have enough food in for snacks they don't have to eat the food for meals.

or just wasn't for children to eat when they feel like it.

Maybe they are hungry? It's parents responsibility to adequately feed their children. Teens need significantly more than younger children.

I am totally team DH in this case.

Yay wave your wee Pom Pom's

It serves your son right.

Why don't you think about his statement. What it means in terms of the sounds development and his future, the future of his partner and family. Think very carefully. Do you really think taking something you shouldn't take is deserving of an adult losing all control and smashing up a mobile phone? If you actually do you are very much part of a huge fucking problem. No doubt you would be the first to defend a DD who suffered at the hands of this type of man:

mathanxiety · 01/07/2019 18:06

Kyriesmum, I have 5 DCs and when they were all living at home their friends were often there too. Some of them were boys.
I note you have three teenage daughters. Do you have any experience of feeding teenage boys?

They all ate whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I asked that if a packet or container was emptied it was left out on the counter so I could monitor what needed to be replaced, because who has time to go through the palaver of figuring out what might be left and whether it was fifteen minutes since they last ate, or whatever, X 5+, all day every day in summer and all afternoon and evening every afternoon in the school year.

I also asked that the kitchen be left as they found it if they cooked something or prepared sandwiches or smoothies or whatever.

There are many ways of dealing with teens and food, some of which result in giving them a sense of consideration for others, responsibility and autonomy, some of which do not.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 18:08

My children could always help themselves- but always checked if things looked like ingredients, or if they were about to take the last of anything. They knew pretty well what was fair game and what had a purpose.

AtseneGatnalp · 01/07/2019 18:09

Well said, @JacquesHammer

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 18:12

This thread makes me so sad for the amount of kids living with shitty, toxic abusive people who are basically trapped. It’s so depressing.

Some people don’t have the temperament to be parents. If you are a bully who has rage issues at least get help before you breed.

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2019 18:17

This thread makes me so sad for the amount of kids living with shitty, toxic abusive people who are basically trapped. It’s so depressing

Agreed. And the amount of women who set their bar so low they think it’s acceptable to be with someone who parents that way.

MondeoFan · 01/07/2019 18:19

They are both in the wrong here. DH for showing DS he can't control his temper and DS for stealing. Both massive red flags

MondeoFan · 01/07/2019 18:20

Hithere12

Well said

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 01/07/2019 18:24

My dad did something similar with my landline (no mobiles then) when I was that age, only time any of us have ever seen him lose his temper

It definitely wasn’t his finest hour and he was upset and apologetic after

I’d let him earn it back

llangennith · 01/07/2019 18:36

The DH didn't smash the phone as a punishment, he had a tantrum, lost his temper and smashed the phone.

Suppose the son had lost his temper and smashed his father's phone?

The father needs to replace the phone and the son needs to apologise for taking the beers.

The whole family needs to learn to communicate.

raskolnikova · 01/07/2019 18:37

Surely if it's the husband paying for it then the phone belongs to him?

But if you give someone something then it's their property. Especially as it had the son's data/information on it.

This thread seems to have got worse. So the son has been eating a load of junk food/stole £5 worth of alcohol... the husband smashing the phone totally escalated the situation. It doesn't seem to matter how many people can say 'I was a victim of domestic abuse and this kind of thing was part of it', there'll be more saying 'ah well, he only smashed a phone, it's not like he did anything violent! Good on him!'
Confused

Admittedly I might be projecting, but having been on the receiving end of this, I don't understand how you can do it to someone and tell yourself it was okay.

mummmy2017 · 01/07/2019 18:43

There is something sad about people who were abused tarring every action by someone else as 100% the start of that person suddenly becoming a monster.
This does not automatically become the case.
OPs husband has said sorry to his son and could never ever do something like this ever again....
Yet the same people refuse to see the son could already be to blame for his own actions, lying to a parent over simple things then laughing in their face is a nasty way to treat someone who loves you.

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2019 18:45

OPs husband has said sorry to his son and could never ever do something like this ever again

Except he’s done it once. Now there’s no way of knowing whether he’ll do it again.

mummmy2017 · 01/07/2019 18:47

JacquesHammer by the same token he might have frightened himself.... And never do it again, but your condeming he on one act... Even the law in this land doesn't do that. ..

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