DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

What makes you think a 14 year old would be any different?

In fact, worse the earlier you start.

DH should replace like for like, but needs to confiscate it for a while making clear to DS that his disrespectful behaviour is unacceptable. DS can also do some household chores and/or may be grounded for a while.

Both of them were in the wrong.

I do have a 14 yo at the moment (my youngest). She is on a mission to test boundaries at every conceivable opportunity. My job is to hold firm without giving her any cause at all to brand herself as a victim. Yes, the smirking thing would have riled me almost beyond endurance, especially on top of persistent rudeness, disrespect, etc. But I am an adult, and she is an overgrown toddler (in developmental terms). So while I am far from perfect and far from equipped to deal with a stroppy teenager, I don't smash her things.

Of your three options, OP, your husband has to replace like for like. This doesn't excuse his appalling behaviour, but it goes some way towards making amends. What he did will have damaged an already difficult relationship even further. There is no way your DS should be making any contribution to a phone he didn't break. And if you buy him a cheap Nokia (which, btw, I have and love), he will resent you and his father every time he looks as it. It will become totemic, and that is the very last thing you need. I think what you need to do now is put this all behind you as soon as possible, and draw up clear consequences in advance for future rudeness and anti-social behaviour.

FWIW, I have had the same alcohol-nabbing thing with my 14 yo (who is also allowed to drink at home occasionally - none of us is a big drinker, but it feels a bit mean not to let her have a bit when the older teenagers are having some). However, she'd do the same with anything that took her fancy, regardless of 'ownership'. I'm not sure what the solution is, though I do know that smashing her phone wouldn't be the right one. In her case, clear warnings about missing social activities if she persists in her rudeness sometimes help. I do also know that she was a very sweet and thoughtful little girl, and will presumably become a sweet and thoughtful young woman, if steered calmly through the turbulent waters of teenagerhood. I imagine the same will be true of your DS, @thiscountryfan

Mine is past the teenage stage but still knows how to wind up the parents.

Smashing the phone - not acceptable so should be replaced. Taking phone away - what we did.

Parents are people too. Sometimes we are not perfect but teaching your child to admit it when they are wrong is also useful. So an apology for breaking the phone - but you dont get it replaced yet because your behaviour was too bad.

Honestly OP, I think you're getting a hard time here.

We allowed our kids to have an occasional drink at home from about 14. That didn't mean that they were allowed to help themselves and there would have been consequences had they ever done it.

I think I'd base any punishment on how your son is in general. Is he usually a good kid and it's just this couple of occasions where he's out of line? If so, I think I'd remove his phone for a week, with a warning of a longer confiscation if his behaviour didn't improve.

If, though, he is really going off the rails then it's more difficult. If he's going to ignore you then pretty much any punishment that you could give he's likely to ignore. I had a book "Divas and Doorslammers" I think it was called, that had some interesting ideas about proportional punishments for teens.

It isn't just alcohol, it's anything he sees or wants. Generally it's only junk food/soft drinks/etc (annoying but ok) but we've obviously not been firm enough and therefore he thinks it's ok to take beer too.

It's not the drinking alcohol that is the issue here ladies it's the stealing it and then lying! I don't tolerate lying in my house! It's about respecting adults and CHILDREN doing as they are told!!

Op your husband paying half would be his apology for doing wrong and smashing sons phone up, him paying the other half is him learning that his lying has had consequences! Definitely the way I'd play it xx

I’d say your husband buys a new and better phone. In six months time and dependent on improved behaviour. Nokia in the mean time and a pledge from everyone to say sorry, mean it and move on

It isn't just alcohol, it's anything he sees or wants. Generally it's only junk food/soft drinks/etc

Sorry what? He steals food? From his own house? I believe it’s your job to provide food for your son OP.

Oblomov19 I do have a 14yo DS which why I’m shocked people think breaking his phone is in any way acceptable.,

OP: DH should replace like for like, and start the punishment from there for DSs behaviour - stealing and not owning up.
I’d move on from the smirk personally, at least to DSs face. Inwardly id be seething.

So, DS’s phone would be taken for a week.

I would also be collecting him straight after school (if practical) and he would not be going out for that week.

Any more behaviour like that and the Xbox controllers get removed.

In future, DS is not to have a beer unless he is offered.

I would also discuss it with him and ask how he feels about the whole thing, and I might negotiate a bit on the grounding. They can be utterly stupid at this age and need to be shown a path back to sensible behaviour.

It's quite clear this is bring over dramatised by some.

Your husband is obviously not violent by nature, he has been pushed to the limit by your son and on this occasion, he could have reacted better. He has apologised to your son and I'm sure going forward it will be a lesson to them both.

I agree I hate lying, it's not the alcohol it's the lying.

I have no real advice as I have this all to come, but I do know that most parents have "that" argument that they regret where they acted badly with their teenagers.

I think confiscating would have been my way forward, but you already mention the just plays the game until he gets it back.

I would however say, sounds like people are going over the top, maybe loosing sight if the actual incident and projecting personal experiences into it, so don't be too harsh on your hubby.

Team DH as parent of teenage children
I

@Paddy1234

Then you’re also a toxic bully. I bet most of these men who enjoy bullying a weaker child wouldn’t say shit to a man their own age/size.

X post
re the food - helping himself to snacks isn’t stealing. If you want him to eat less you need to give him his portion and tell him that he is not to touch anything else. And hide the rest really well
Sounds a bit joyless, they do eat everything at that age though and I don’t think they view it as stealing - it’s just food, in the cupboard, that they help themselves to without thinking.

@MauritiusNext

"Violent behaviour is any behaviour by an individual that threatens or actually harms or injures the individual or others or destroys property. "

www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/sig270855

As a victim of DV I know all too well that purposely damaging property is violence.

I don't tolerate lying in my house!

Neither do I.

I also don’t tolerate violence.

Why should DS pay for consequences that come from really crap parenting?

Talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!

It isn't just alcohol, it's anything he sees or wants. Generally it's only junk food/soft drinks/etc (annoying but ok) but we've obviously not been firm enough and therefore he thinks it's ok to take beer too.

Based on this, you and your H have no idea what is normal parenting and what is abusive.

You are both engaging in control freakery run amok.

Is your DS a part of the family?
Then he gets to eat and drink what is in the fridge.

It is your job to provide food and drink for him.

It is his right as a teenager to help himself to food and drink in his own home. The home life your son is living sounds like a nightmare for him.

The issue of providing alcohol is an example of incredibly poor judgement on your part.

And teenage boys will eat everything.

They are growing. They are always hungry. Provide food and let him at it.

is your DS a part of the family?
Then he gets to eat and drink what is in the fridge.

No, they ask. Because otherwise what's to stop them taking what are supposed to be treats whenever they want? It's normal to ask in my family, even among my aunts' and uncles' houses etc. In fact, in almost every house I visited as a kid, the kid I was visiting didn't just help themselves to whatever they wanted from the fridge - they asked their parents if they could have X.

It's only on mn that people say they let their children eat anything they want when they want. Meanwhile in the real world people don't have unlimited funds and time to replace food that was bought to last a certain time, or was to go towards meals or just wasn't for children to eat when they feel like it. I am totally team DH in this case. It serves your son right.

it's only on mn that people say they let their children eat anything they want when they want. Meanwhile in the real world people don't have unlimited funds and time to replace food that was bought to last a certain time, or was to go towards meals or just wasn't for children to eat when they feel like it.

I agree with this.

You say the cost of the beer he drank 'amounts to about a fiver' so that's what, a couple of bottles? Or does your charming H go in for the cheap trampagne variety so £5-worth is several litres? One or two beers is not incipient alcoholism FFS.

And your H should pay for a new like-for-like phone, and give it to DS as a way of demonstrating that he is really sorry for being such a prick, and as an acknowledgement that destroying the phone was a totally inappropriate punishment.

Then you need to have a proper think about your family 'policy' on food and drink. I have a 14-year-old DS who doesn't have to grovel to me if he wants something to eat or drink; he is allowed to help himself (unless I have bought something specifically for cooking supper, in which case I tell him to leave the cheese or whatever alone.) Please bear in mind that teenagers are often absolutely ravenous all the time because their bodies and brains are going through a big growth spurt. If you're a bit whiny and precious about too much junk food, don't buy any.

Finally, have a proper think about whether there is any mitigation for your H's utterly disgusting, contemptible behaviour (and no, the fact that DS was 'disrespectful' isn't good enough.) Has he been under prolonged stress; is he someone who suffers more than normal when it's very hot; does he have any physical ailment that causes chronic pain? If there's no real excuse, then it's a cause for concern. He's resorted to abusive behaviour once, and may well do it again now that DS is big enough not to accept being treated as a possession or an inferior.

The OP said he mainly takes junk food and soft drinks. I find it very easy not to have those in the home. If DS eats it all, then he doesn't get more until the next shopping.
And unless DS had an obesity problem, I wouldn't want him not to have food if he is hungry.
What he probably lacks is self control (surprise, surprise, in a teenager). Less acceptable in adults, actually.

If you have limited funds then why are you buying junk?

To a teenage boy, food is food.

Don't buy stuff you don't want your kids eating.

If you find the food is running out before the week does, buy more next time you shop.

If you can't afford to feed your growing teenage buy who is hungry, maybe cut back on your beer and treats?

You have a duty to feed your children and this should be your priority, not treats and alcohol for yourself, which is discretionary and not necessary.

Yes, rightly or wrongly allowed him to have 1 small bottle on rare occasions but on our terms and in front of us. How does that give him permission to then just help himself??

It doesn't. And I'm not sure why he would think it did. I could have a glass of wine on my birthday or Xmas etc at that age, or with dinner sometimes from about 15. Nowhere does that give me permission to take wine from the fridge without asking. Weird way to view it.