DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

If we do go 'like for like' how long to confiscate for? It needs to to match the seriousness of his behaviour

It was more the general principle of taking alcohol when he'd been explicitly told not to.

But, yet, you've allowed him before. You, as parents, are being hypocritical about it, but then expect high standards of behaviour from your teenage son.

If we do go 'like for like' how long to confiscate for? It needs to to match the seriousness of his behaviour

I wouldn’t confiscate. The phone has only become part of the scenario by your husband’s shit behaviour.

Like for like, I'd confiscate your OH's phone until your DS has a replacement. Seems fair to me.

Yes, rightly or wrongly allowed him to have 1 small bottle on rare occasions but on our terms and in front of us. How does that give him permission to then just help himself??

If the issue is stealing (which is an odd concept for me in the context of drinks in the home), then how about getting him to do chores to compensate for the value of what he "stole".

Charming. I have a different opinion to you that is all. Insults are verbal abuse and may well be the slippery slope to something else

No. I am not 'verbally abusing' you. Don't be absurd.

I am pointing out that you are WRONG about how violent behaviour is defined. It would take you seconds to find out that what I'm saying is right. It's important. It's something that everyone should know about.

But no, you don't want to do that.

The issue is stealing, then lying, then smirking

Yes, rightly or wrongly allowed him to have 1 small bottle on rare occasions but on our terms and in front of us. How does that give him permission to then just help himself??

Are you actually asking?

And a whole bottle, even if small, with your permission, at 14?

Does he have to ask permission to eat or drink anything else at home?

Think first of the messages you're giving him. Then think about his behaviour.

How is beer different from him using some sliced cheese or ham from packet to make himself a sandwich without asking you first?

If you think there is something wrong with him having beer outside of your presence why are you giving it to him?

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Drinking beer isn’t the problem. Stealing it is. The kid clearly has problems with alcohol and this needs to be nipped in the bud. Don’t replace like for like.

Ok well I'm not the first parent to let my teenager have a very occasional drink and certainly won't be the last. Shoot me now.

Clearly I should have realised that this would obviously morph into alcoholism, lying and disrespect.

You are saying 'Here, drink this beverage, which we drink, but we actually don't want you drinking'.

Why?

The issue is stealing, then lying, then smirking

No the issue is you have a violent, aggressive, abusive DP who can’t control his temper and your poor kid has to live with him. I’m guessing this “man” wouldn’t say shit to a man his own age/size. They never do.

I despair at these “blended” families. 9x out of 10 its a shit situation for the kid.

Hiya I have three teenage daughters 😖 we have found the best form of punishment is the 'punishment phone'.
My god the girls hate it and I've only had to use it once, once they saw I was serious they only need to be threatened and they comply.
The punishment phone is the cheapest shittiest phone we could buy £10 in Tesco, never heard of the brand before and we have topped it up with £10. If the girls misbehave/ be disrespectful etc then they have to swap their amazing smart phone for the punishment phone. The phone doesn't do internet and we have only saved mine and hubbys phone numbers in it. It is plugged in on charge in the phone dock that all the kids charge their phones on every night and serves as a constant reminder of the embarrassment it would bring if god forbid they had to take it to school 🤣😝

With regards to your son, if it was one of my girls and one of us smashed up their phone I would probably agree to pay half as it was both parties to blame for what happened.??

OP you said it yourself. The kid is stealing alcohol. This probably wouldn’t have happened had you been a better parent and not allowed him the ‘ocassional’ drink.

Again, why is drinking beer that is in the home and has been allowed before considered stealing? Even if he was told not to (as if teenagers obeyed every prohibition). The more you forbid it, particularly after allowing it, the more he will feel the temptation to have it.

You're making a big issue out of the alcohol after allowing it. I think this will be a recipe for disaster in the future.

It's not like he took a lot of money from your wallet, or took his dad's phone to school to sell it.

Blended?? Where did you get that from?

I’m really confused at the concept of “stealing” food/drink in a family.

Do you require him to ask if he gets a biscuit?

The issue is the mixed messages you’ve given him.

Maybe a good start would be no longer allowing him alcohol in the house then it’s a clear point.

It's not alcoholism. Don't be silly.

It's giving your DS mixed messages. You treat him as an equal when you give him beer and then you assert it's ok to take his phone and smash it.

If you are going to ask for the respect that the junior party owes the senior party, don't give the junior party the privilege reserved for the senior party.

Be consistent. Beer is for adults.

Use your authority wisely or you will not get respect. Playing cool parents and allowing beer for minors is not using your authority.

Ok well I'm not the first parent to let my teenager have a very occasional drink and certainly won't be the last. Shoot me now.

Considering how you perceive his transgression, yes, shooting you is probably appropriate too.

Thank you Kyri !

Clearly I should have realised that this would obviously morph into alcoholism, lying and disrespect

Lying 😫 he lied because he’s scared of the man. You’re genuinely more angry he took a beer than your husband raging and destroying his property. I hope this kid has a sibling and doesn’t just have to live with you two ganging up on him.

And if you allow him to have it sometimes he’s going to aquire a drinking habit, just like 90% of adults who start drinking. How many people who do drink only do it once every three months? Not many.

Very few people are even able to manage dry January once they get into a habit of drinking. What makes you think a 14 year old would be any different? He should never have been given alcohol in the first place. Why would a 14 year old have more self control than an adult?

"and then you assert it's ok to take his phone and smash it because he didn't do what he was told and he didn't show respectful demeanour"