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Original poster

Guy who doesn't insist on picking up the bill on a first date?

140 replies

RosesandCuddles · 16/06/2019 22:27

Ok so I've been on countless dates with a variety of different men - the thing they all had in common is that they'd immediately assume they were paying for whatever we got on the first date (whether it was food or a drink) and if I politely offered to split the bill, they'd immediately refuse and insist they pay for it.

Whereas a first date I had recently, it was in a cafe so just a drink for £1.50 anyway, when he assumed he's paying for both of us and then I kinda offered to pay for mine, he said "up to you really, you can if you want. No pressure", which I was a bit surprised about because every other guy (10+) has always continued to insist they're paying and usually for pricier things than a £1.50 drink...

I know I shouldn't have offered to pay if I didn't mean it and he still did pay but it kinda bugs me a little (only due to the fact every other guy has insisted, not just on the first date but always whereas with this person, it was first date) and he's financially similar to the others.

I guess he probably said it in favour of equality/feminism etc. and I know I'm going to get a lot of hate on here for even complaining about this..I'm not a gold digger but I guess it's the sentiment/thought they they want to provide etc. hard to explain really..!

OP posts:
BIWI · 16/06/2019 22:28

No hate from me. But just can't understand why, in this day and age, you would expect a man to pay for you?

Oneminuteandthenallgone · 16/06/2019 22:31

Why should someone sub you because he has a penis?

If a man tried to pay for me it would be an immediate no no.

BeardedMum · 16/06/2019 22:31

Why can you not pay for yourself?

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Iamtooknackeredtorun · 16/06/2019 22:33

It wouldn’t enter my head that he should ‘insist’ on paying. Lots of women prefer to split it on a first date so that there’s no suggestion of owing him something. He gave you the option of not paying It sounds a bit like game playing from you which I would find a bit tiresome. If you expect him to pay because he’s the man then why make an act out of offering to split it? If that’s what you think then at least own it.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/06/2019 22:34

He sounds nice. Sounds like he was willing to pay, but happy to respect your wish to pay for yourself.

I would not like going on a date with someone to insisted on paying, even if I offered. It would feel like they didn't want to be in an equal relationship. Or like they thought they had a right to override my wishes.

Op, perhaps you should be offering to pay sometimes?

Sparklyring · 16/06/2019 22:40

I did the whole OLD (where I met my husband) and always thought it was nice and showed generosity if they offered to pay. I only let them if I knew we would go out again and on which occasion I'd pay.

justbeniceplease · 16/06/2019 22:41

The whole thing says much more about you than it does him.

Anerak · 16/06/2019 22:46

I would never expect a man to pay for me? Why should he?

Stunn · 16/06/2019 22:47

I always offer to pay for half or my own when dating - weather it's just a cup of tea or a whole night out with a meal. 9 times out of 10, the man has graciously accepted.

I'd find a date insisting on paying for us both quite weird in this day and age.

FamilyOfAliens · 16/06/2019 22:48

This all sounds a bit 1950s to me.

Cruddles · 16/06/2019 22:52

I'm a male, did plenty of OLD over the course of 10 years, with breaks when relationships happened, until i met my wife 5 years ago. Never did i offer to pay for a first date and never did i feel that this was some sort of expectation. It seems strange and out dated and I'm surprised that there's some who still expect this in 2019.

Banhaha · 16/06/2019 22:52

So he offered to pay for it all and then you offered to pay your half and then he said if you want to but no pressure. Sounds like he was just leaving it up to you. If you wanted him to pay you shouldn't have offered to pay your half and just shown your true colours that you wanted him to pay. No need to play mind games over £1.50.

Banhaha · 16/06/2019 22:54

I might have even felt slightly irritated if he's offered to pay and I'd said no I'll pay my half and then he insisted further. As if he doesn't think I can afford £1.50.

Original poster
RosesandCuddles · 16/06/2019 23:00

I realize it makes me come across bad but I don't think it's 1950's or old fashioned tbh. A man proposing marriage is regarded as "old fashioned", yet that's still how it goes in about 90% of proposals.

& if it really is that old fashioned and unheard of, I really wouldn't have had 10+ experiences with different guys who've all offered to pay. Only ones that don't have been ones where it's been clear from the get go that we'd only ever be friends (even then, some of them who had a crush on me would often still like to pay)

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 16/06/2019 23:04

I think anyone, male or female, ought to offer to pay out of politeness, on a first date when you've both had inexpensive drinks.

However, given he'd offered once, and you'd said no, I think you are being a bit odd to expect him to insist. Some people would find that really rude, or patronising.

I don't understand why you're hung up on it, though.

Cilleen · 16/06/2019 23:08

He’s not playing by your 1950s rulebook, and is paying you the compliment of thinking you know your own mind. Unfortunately, you don’t.

Here’s a wild idea. Say what you mean. Having a penis doesn’t make you a mind reader.

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/06/2019 23:08

if it really is that old fashioned and unheard of, I really wouldn't have had 10+ experiences with different guys who've all offered to pay

Maybe you just have really bad taste in men. You seem more interested in their financials than you do in their personalities.

LittleMissEngineer · 16/06/2019 23:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/06/2019 23:23

You offered to pay £1.50 for yours? Did it never cross your mind to pay for both of you?

BackforGood · 16/06/2019 23:30

He sounds nice. Sounds like he was willing to pay, but happy to respect your wish to pay for yourself.

This ^
You, OTOH sound like you are playing some sort of game / using this as a 'test' or something.

Is there a reason ou didn't offer to get his drink ?

Monday55 · 16/06/2019 23:31

Doesn't matter who asked who out on a date. When the Bill comes out everyone should insist to pay because that's the polite thing to do.

In my dating days I never expected the guy to pay for the whole bill, always made me feel uneasy, so I always insisted at least twice as I wouldn't take the first 'No'.

Parker231 · 16/06/2019 23:31

Why didn’t you offer to pay for both drinks?

Laurajjj · 16/06/2019 23:39

This is a really dated philosophy. It's really not a deal breaker.

Mythreefavouritethings · 16/06/2019 23:41

Just be straight with what you want, silly game playing has no place in an adult relationship. It’s hard nought finding the decent ones without pulling this crap.

Mythreefavouritethings · 16/06/2019 23:42

Enough, auto-correct again 🙄🤦‍♀️

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