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Original poster

Guy who doesn't insist on picking up the bill on a first date?

140 replies

RosesandCuddles · 16/06/2019 22:27

Ok so I've been on countless dates with a variety of different men - the thing they all had in common is that they'd immediately assume they were paying for whatever we got on the first date (whether it was food or a drink) and if I politely offered to split the bill, they'd immediately refuse and insist they pay for it.

Whereas a first date I had recently, it was in a cafe so just a drink for £1.50 anyway, when he assumed he's paying for both of us and then I kinda offered to pay for mine, he said "up to you really, you can if you want. No pressure", which I was a bit surprised about because every other guy (10+) has always continued to insist they're paying and usually for pricier things than a £1.50 drink...

I know I shouldn't have offered to pay if I didn't mean it and he still did pay but it kinda bugs me a little (only due to the fact every other guy has insisted, not just on the first date but always whereas with this person, it was first date) and he's financially similar to the others.

I guess he probably said it in favour of equality/feminism etc. and I know I'm going to get a lot of hate on here for even complaining about this..I'm not a gold digger but I guess it's the sentiment/thought they they want to provide etc. hard to explain really..!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/06/2019 23:46

I'm going to go against the grain here and admit I know what you mean. I always insist on paying my share or indeed for him too if I'm so inclined but it is the sort of dance-off that happens when it comes to bill paying.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2019 23:47

So he offered to pay, you offered to go halves, he left the final decision up to you, you said you pay, he paid and he's STILL in the wrong? Because he treated you like an equal grown up not some silly little girl who needs a man to buy her things and make decisions for her?

I hope for his sake there's no second date

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 17/06/2019 00:00

No hate from me. But just can't understand why, in this day and age, you would expect a man to pay for you?

This. I go in on the expectation that we are splitting the bill, although for a tiny £3 total bill i'd have happily picked it up or let him pick up and thanked him, because it's three quid for goodness sake.

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avamiah · 17/06/2019 00:06

Hi All,
Am I right in thinking the bill was £3 ( Three Pound ) ???

Laurajjj · 17/06/2019 00:13

I've only clocked on this is over £3 GrinGrinGrin did you expect him to pay your bus fare home aswell? Grin

happymummy12345 · 17/06/2019 00:13

I've never agreed with a man paying at any time. So the first date dh and I went on, I paid. I didn't mention anything as I didn't want him to not have everything he wanted since I'd be paying. But I wanted to make it clear I never expected him to pay for me (especially as his ex was a massive gold digger who only cared about money).
He paid for the next date. And since it's always been equally shared. Then since we've lived together money has been joint anyway so it's never been one of us pays, it's let's go out and that's that.

avamiah · 17/06/2019 00:13

I’ve just re read the post and yeah it’s £3.
I regularly buy the Big issue from a homeless person and think nothing of giving them £3 and buying them a bottle of water or a coffee.
Get a grip OP

BruceyBogtrotter · 17/06/2019 00:14

If you offered to pay 'to be polite' why the fuck would you think it impolite for him to not accept your offer?

Laurajjj · 17/06/2019 00:14

That the date ended after one drink suggests to me he thinks there will be no second date anyway.

avamiah · 17/06/2019 00:14

Laurajjj
Lol
😬

fedup21 · 17/06/2019 00:20

So he offered to pay, you offered to go halves, he left the final decision up to you, you said you pay, he paid and he's STILL in the wrong

This. Poor bloke couldn’t win with you.

avamiah · 17/06/2019 00:24

But will there be a second date??😳😳

dodgeballchamp · 17/06/2019 00:33

Men who want to ‘provide’ are misogynist. Women who want to be ‘provided for’ are also misogynist. I always pay my half and certainly wouldn’t see anyone for a second date if they ignored my wish to split the bill and insisted on paying.

avamiah · 17/06/2019 00:42

dodgeballchamp,
Yes I agree with you but I don’t think OP’s situation of £3 fits this box.??

over50andfab · 17/06/2019 00:47

I know where you’re coming from OP and tbh I like it when a guy pays for the first meal - might be old fashioned but that’s how I feel.

However, although I always offer to split the bill for a meal (and if he pays, them I pay for the next one) where a drink in a cafe is concerned I don’t really care who pays first - though it’s normally him - as all my dates for drinks have always involved 2 or more each, so I know we’ll both be paying at some point. What I really don’t like though is pickiness in going halves - where the amount is small it seems really petty and if he’d asked for my £1.50 share I’d just have paid for both.

FuckOffTommyRobinson · 17/06/2019 00:54

*So he offered to pay, you offered to go halves, he left the final decision up to you, you said you pay, he paid and he's STILL in the wrong

This. Poor bloke couldn’t win with you.*

THIS. I hope for refuses a second date.

HelenaDove · 17/06/2019 01:00

especially as his ex was a massive gold digger who only cared about money

well if someone had spent the first date saying the ex was a gold digger/psycho bitch delete as appropriate i would have paid half definately (which i would do anyway) But then i would have declined a second date. Slagging off the ex is usually a red flag

ItsGoingTibiaK · 17/06/2019 01:07

Is there another date planned? If so, please show him this thread first so he can run far, far away from you.

Bravelurker · 17/06/2019 01:46

The only time I would expect him to pay or at least subsidise is if he insisted on taking me somewhere I cannot afford and he doesn't like the suggestions I can afford.

Coyoacan · 17/06/2019 02:12

Yeap, I think you are both living in different decades, not a good match. Besides you are dishonest, offering to pay when you have no intention of doing so, while he was being straightforward.

It's not so much because I am feminist, but because I mistrust these old-fashioned men who want to pay for everything and give women flowers. I prefer people who have no side to them.

MoominKitty · 17/06/2019 02:34

Personally I've always gone Dutch when dating, and if I can't afford to I don't agree to the date, I don't feel 'brought' then and when in relationships we take it in turns to pay.

I've found men who insist on paying a little odd and question their motivation but that's just me, always the cynic.

Men these days can't do anything without being questioned so he was prob trying to ensure you didn't feel uncomfortable by not insisting.

HelenaDove · 17/06/2019 02:37

@formerbabe

HelenaDove · 17/06/2019 02:39

I mistrust men who slag off their ex and call them gold diggers.

An ex of mine went on about materialistic women and it turned out he begrudged buying bog roll for his own flat.

gumbyprickle · 17/06/2019 03:13

Why are you offering to pay if you don't really want to?! I don't understand any of this. You want to offer but be knocked back, as some sign of what? Chivalry?

He actually said to you 'no pressure' GrinGrin
No pressure to pay £1.50. This is all so bizarre.

dodgeballchamp · 17/06/2019 03:19

Avamia fair point over £3 it is ridiculous to be quibbling over the bill. In that instance I’d probably let him pay and then get the drinks next time, I wouldn’t be making a scene over such a small amount

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