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Original poster

Guy who doesn't insist on picking up the bill on a first date?

140 replies

RosesandCuddles · 16/06/2019 22:27

Ok so I've been on countless dates with a variety of different men - the thing they all had in common is that they'd immediately assume they were paying for whatever we got on the first date (whether it was food or a drink) and if I politely offered to split the bill, they'd immediately refuse and insist they pay for it.

Whereas a first date I had recently, it was in a cafe so just a drink for £1.50 anyway, when he assumed he's paying for both of us and then I kinda offered to pay for mine, he said "up to you really, you can if you want. No pressure", which I was a bit surprised about because every other guy (10+) has always continued to insist they're paying and usually for pricier things than a £1.50 drink...

I know I shouldn't have offered to pay if I didn't mean it and he still did pay but it kinda bugs me a little (only due to the fact every other guy has insisted, not just on the first date but always whereas with this person, it was first date) and he's financially similar to the others.

I guess he probably said it in favour of equality/feminism etc. and I know I'm going to get a lot of hate on here for even complaining about this..I'm not a gold digger but I guess it's the sentiment/thought they they want to provide etc. hard to explain really..!

OP posts:
rightsideofherstory · 17/06/2019 03:44

Like pp said it says more about you than him...Also explains why you're single.

Totur · 17/06/2019 03:51

If a guy couldn't even afford to buy me a coffee nor have the decency to buy me a coffee, it would be the last he'd see of me.

If I was depending on myself to pay for dates, I'd never go on a date.

Lauren83 · 17/06/2019 05:05

I wouldn't have let all the others pay that's the thing, if they offered I would have thought that was polite but I would of declined and split the bill

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maras2 · 17/06/2019 05:32

All of those dates (10 +) and not found Mr. Right ? Shock
Quelle surprise Grin

FraggleRocking · 17/06/2019 05:46

You’ve not put yourself across in a great light here. Maybe try taking the lead at the end of a date and offering to split or pay next time. No more ‘kinda’ offers that you don’t mean.

SimonJT · 17/06/2019 05:53

I always split the bill on dates, I think it would be weird not to, as does the person I have been going on dates with.

I would never pretend I wanted to pay half, after all why would I being playing stupid mind games on a date?

KatherineJaneway · 17/06/2019 05:56

It just shows he is clearly not compatible with you.

FionasWineShow · 17/06/2019 05:59

What do you want from the thread, OP?

Some people will probably agree with you. Most wont.

OLD must get pretty pricey for men, if they're always expected to be the one footing the bill.

JoJoSM2 · 17/06/2019 06:10

This was a 3-pound bill so a weird conversation.

Given your 10+ dates, is that internet dating? I think it's weird to expect a complete stranger you'd never seen to buy you stuff.

To me it makes sense to pay for yourself to start off with and once you know each other better, you can treat each other.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/06/2019 06:24

the thing they all had in common

All of them? That seems unusual, where are you?

Regardless, a man insisting on paying the bill would be a slight concern for me- I think your latest bloke is the keeper.

FionasWineShow · 17/06/2019 06:27

I do think the rules have changed with online dating.

I did my dating back in the day, and back then, I wouldn't disagree with you, to be honest.

But dating in the online world is a whole different ball game. You go through a rake of dates, most never getting past date 1.

It surely doesn't seem reasonable for men to always be the one to foot the bill.

If you're meeting men organically, then it might be different.

tangledyarn · 17/06/2019 06:38

Done a lot of OLD and always paid half, unless I knew we were going out again in which case I'd say great, I'll pay for x next week.

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 17/06/2019 06:45

If a guy couldn't even afford to buy me a coffee nor have the decency to buy me a coffee, it would be the last he'd see of me.
If I was depending on myself to pay for dates, I'd never go on a date.

I don’t think there’s any suggestion that he couldn’t. In fact, he offered to do so but the OP told him she would pay her share. So he let her. That’s not unreasonable of him in the slightest. He probably didn’t realise it was a test of chivalry. Like a medieval knight or something.

Re your second point. I don’t know your personal circumstances but the mindset that dates are always for men to fund is really depressing in 2019. How about a first date that doesn’t involve spending money so you can meet as an equal?

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 17/06/2019 06:46

bold fail

ShatFic · 17/06/2019 06:51

I do feel sorry for men who are expected to pay. Imagine if they've had 10+ dates themselves and had to pay for them all. Not fair at all!
I would always offer half, or if there is going to be another date, suggest one of us pays and the other pays next time.
Any women who expect a man to pay, or men who insist on paying, are on a completely different planet to me.

HisBetterHalf · 17/06/2019 06:56

Why should your date pay? Why didnt you pay his?

ThePurpleHeffalump · 17/06/2019 07:02

He listened to you, respected your decision, told you ‘no pressure’ and he still got I think wrong for you?
He’s not the problem.

SilverySurfer · 17/06/2019 09:56

I can't believe there are still women who expect men to pick up the tab. I started dating in the 1960s and always insisted on paying my share. Why would you not?

LookImAHooman · 17/06/2019 11:27

If a guy couldn't even afford to buy me a coffee nor have the decency to buy me a coffee, it would be the last he'd see of me.

Not much of a threat, really...

Asta19 · 17/06/2019 11:37

Tbh I wouldn't be offering to go halves on a £3 date! If I was the one paying I'd feel insulted if someone offered me £1.50. It's just too pathetic for words. I think the guy probably felt a bit awkward and answered in the best way he could, leaving it up to you. I'd wait and see what happens on the second date, if you both decide to have one!

Sweetdisposition91 · 17/06/2019 11:37

Going against the grain here, but I find that blokes that are into you always want to impress and always pay!

This would seriously put me off, I would assume he’s tight! I think in the very early days a man should pay more then it evens out and take turns and treat each other etc.

I always used to offer on first dates but if someone let me get the first drink I wouldn’t be seeing them again! Makes me sound old fashioned but all the men and women I know agree with me on this - the majority on Mumsnet seems to feel the opposite.

Sweetdisposition91 · 17/06/2019 11:40

Oh - say for a night out drinking, I would always get a couple of rounds in over the duration of the whole evening but I do think the man should get the first couple, and in my experience, most insist! If I wasn’t keen on my date then I wouldn’t let him pay for as much if I had no intention of seeing him again.

Maryann1975 · 17/06/2019 11:48

I’d hate to think that a bloke was a bit strapped for cash and couldn’t really afford to pay for the date having to pay up because that was the done thing. You say you’ve been on more than ten ‘first dates’ and been paid for. What if that guy has been on ten dates and had to pay for them all, you can see why he is reluctant to keep paying out.

Just because he is a bit skint doesn’t mean that he isn’t worthy of being a fantastic boyfriend surely.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/06/2019 11:50

This would seriously put me off, I would assume he’s tight!

Tight? It was £3 for some drinks in a fucking café how is it tight.

I think in the very early days a man should pay more then it evens out and take turns and treat each other etc.

Maybe learn to read, he did offer to pay and the OP offered to pay half. I don't see why just because he has a penis he is expected to pay more. Can you imagine if a bloke came on here slating a date for this reason. Women and Men should be equals this notion of men paying more is ridiculously outdated!

Louise7777 · 17/06/2019 11:51

It's not the 1960's op. Women work now, earn and living and in some cases earn more than men. I've always offered to pay my own way and actually cringe when men have refused!!