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Original poster

Guy who doesn't insist on picking up the bill on a first date?

140 replies

RosesandCuddles · 16/06/2019 22:27

Ok so I've been on countless dates with a variety of different men - the thing they all had in common is that they'd immediately assume they were paying for whatever we got on the first date (whether it was food or a drink) and if I politely offered to split the bill, they'd immediately refuse and insist they pay for it.

Whereas a first date I had recently, it was in a cafe so just a drink for £1.50 anyway, when he assumed he's paying for both of us and then I kinda offered to pay for mine, he said "up to you really, you can if you want. No pressure", which I was a bit surprised about because every other guy (10+) has always continued to insist they're paying and usually for pricier things than a £1.50 drink...

I know I shouldn't have offered to pay if I didn't mean it and he still did pay but it kinda bugs me a little (only due to the fact every other guy has insisted, not just on the first date but always whereas with this person, it was first date) and he's financially similar to the others.

I guess he probably said it in favour of equality/feminism etc. and I know I'm going to get a lot of hate on here for even complaining about this..I'm not a gold digger but I guess it's the sentiment/thought they they want to provide etc. hard to explain really..!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 17/06/2019 20:54

I suspect there are many male posters pretending to be women on these paying on dates threads.

What? Men on MN? How very dare they! Somebody get the pitchforks, I'll get the torches.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/06/2019 20:57

Or was it just baseless nonsense?

Most likely given that there is no evidence what so ever of men posting as women on this thread or any others relating to this issue. Just 1 poster spouting utter nonsense.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/06/2019 20:58

I suspect there are many male posters pretending to be women on these paying on dates threads.

Sorry, just to check, how exactly did they pretend that? Are we saying they posted in an effeminate way?

Just so we are all being furious from the same hymn sheet.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Medievalist · 17/06/2019 21:01

Why didn’t you offer to pay for both drinks?

^^ This

BertrandRussell · 17/06/2019 21:07

I am old and I have never done OLD. But if I did I would want to keep the power balance as equal as possible. Which would mean me paying my way. There are always men who think that paying for dinner entitles then to something in return.

BackforGood · 17/06/2019 21:17

HelenaDove, I was responding to you posting I suspect there are many male posters pretending to be women on these paying on dates threads.
That is nothing to do with supporting your own children. Everyone else is discussing paying for whatever is spent on a first date.

MrsDilligaf · 17/06/2019 21:50

God. Dating is a bloody minefield. It seems you're damned if you offer to pay if you're a man, and damned if you don't pay if you're a woman.

First date, split the bill.
Second date go halves again.
Third, fourth, fifth dates take it in turns.

I can't remember who paid on the first date I had with DH.

OP to be honest I wouldn't even have offered to split a 3 quid bill for coffees. I'd have just said, these are on me and insisted on paying his too. Life is too short to quibble over a coffee.

MIdgebabe · 17/06/2019 21:56

I would run a mile if it wasn’t 50 50. I have often been accused of being Male, but only by people who have never seen me.

HelenaDove · 17/06/2019 22:04

Everyone else is discussing paying for whatever is spent on a first date

Err no they arent A pp mentioned women getting paid more in the workplace now.

Or is it only certain posters alllowed to bring up other factors.

HelenaDove · 17/06/2019 22:06

Life is too short to quibble over a coffee

i agree Id have done the same

Im discussing other societal factors.............oh whoops i was but apparently im not allowed to.

Asta19 · 18/06/2019 10:49

I would run a mile if it wasn’t 50 50

See that to me is as closed minded as a woman expecting the man to pay. How about people try looking at the date as a whole rather than who gets their money out at the end? When I think about the serious relationships I've had I can't actually remember who paid for what on the first date. If someones a tightwad that'll show up pretty quickly, likewise if someones a controlling misogynist.

Floopily · 18/06/2019 10:56

DH says one of the reasons he liked me after our first date was because I insisted on going halves, he said he'd been on loads where either the woman made no offer to split the bill, or made some kind of half hearted attempt to do so which it was obvious she wasn't really expecting him to say yes to. It was costing him a fortune!

People with penises are not necessarily better off financially or under any obligation to pay for dinner or drinks for what is essentially a stranger at this stage. I'm perplexed as to why anyone would think otherwise.

Pinkmouse6 · 18/06/2019 12:06

I’ve only been on a handful of first dates in my life but they have all insisted on paying. I dated a couple of men who insisted on paying for everything throughout our entire relationship... Some guys are just like that, I think it’s a pride thing.

This guy didn’t sound too bad tbf, he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable insisting on paying incase you feel it’s a feminist issue and found it offensive by the sounds of it.

FinallyHere · 18/06/2019 12:32

men who insisted on paying for everything throughout our entire relationship... Some guys are just like that, I think it’s a pride thing.

Well yes, of course. And if you are happy in a relationship where you are not equals, with equal say over the finances, and decisions generally, by all means crack on.

In my parents relationship, that was how things worked. They had many happy years together. It's not what I want for my life, so I pay my own way, especially scrupulously in the early days.

YMMV

BrylcreamBeret · 18/06/2019 13:06

A man I went on a date with became really pissy because I didn't pay for his football ticket, I would never have expected him to pay for me so I was Incredulous at his childish attitude. Could you not pay for yourself Op?

Phare · 18/06/2019 13:24

Some guys are just like that, I think it’s a pride thing.

And feel free to shackle yourself to someone whose 'pride' is intimately connected to his inability to understand why someone would prefer to divide expenses equally over the course of a relationship.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 18/06/2019 13:26

Only read OP but going from that you have to look at it from his point of view.

He could have been on 10+ dates where the women have demanded that they pay half, equality and all that. Alot of women now get offended when they aren't allowed to pay. So he was answering with the safe option. If you had said nothing I am sure he would have paid!

tuxedocatsintophats · 18/06/2019 13:42

You sound like a bit of a user, tbh.

Coyoacan · 18/06/2019 15:35

It depends what you are looking for in a man. If you want a man who is demonstrably a high-earner and "traditional", you seek out men who also pay on the date. Of course, the traditional part also applies to you.

But some of the nicest men I've known are not high earners and definitely not traditional, which suits me because I am not interested in money or being a stereotypical woman.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/06/2019 15:41

I’m going to answer without having RTFT but if the guy didn’t offer to pay on a first date it’d set off a tiny bell in my head; the death of chivalry at best, tight-fistedness at worst.

Yes IABU. No I’m not debating it.

Whydoesitalwaysdothis · 18/06/2019 18:56

In this day and age you shouldn’t expect a man to pay or accept if he does. You are equals. Would you think it fair that your son pay for every woman he goes out with? It may be that you earn more than some of the men you are dating anyway. This is 2019, not 1819.

Men used to pay because women didn’t work. Now they do!

ItsGoingTibiaK · 18/06/2019 23:23

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Maybe you, and other posters, should have at least read the OP properly. The poor guy did offer to pay for both of them, the OP half-heartedly offered to go halves, the guy still paid for both of them. But he's still, according to the OP, in the wrong. FFS.

Chocolate35 · 18/06/2019 23:38

I’ll probably get slated for this but I’m openly very traditional and regardless of where we went I would expect him to pay on the first date. It’s nothing to do with control or power, in my experience it’s usually done with good intentions. DH paid for our first date and I paid for our second. A man can treat a woman (or man) without her being a money grabbing gold digger. My husband treated me loads in the early days and it was great. I then financially supported him when he had issues. We all have our preferences for the type of partner we want, all that matters is yours.

Totur · 19/06/2019 00:40

People with penises are not necessarily better off financially

Except they are.

Winebottle · 19/06/2019 01:01

I think the man insisting too much is a bad thing.

Ideally, he grabs the bill and goes to pay it without saying anything, the woman offers to go halves and he says it's ok.

If the woman then insists on paying, he should accept that.