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Original poster

Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

999 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/06/2019 09:43

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

OP posts:
tuxedocatsintophats · 16/06/2019 12:54

What ThumbWitches said. NFW. Carol comes on her own or not at all. Wouldn't cancel it but if the booking's in her name she can refuse them both entry if they just turn up. I think Carol and Dick are after a free holiday. FUCK THAT.

As for 'maybe he identifies as female' a simple 'then you can go identify as female somewhere else that's not this holiday or the villa I booked and paid for' should suffice.

caughtinanet · 16/06/2019 12:57

No brainer, if she can't come without her DH she forfeits the holiday, the cheek of some people if unbelievable

Italiangreyhound · 16/06/2019 12:57

"The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?"

Please encourage Anne not to cancel. Anne just needs to tell Carol that her behavior is out of order and if she cannot confirm now that she can attend without her dh then she won't be coming.

Carol obviously knew when the holiday was booked what the situation was and could have said then, no thanks.

I guess her dh is either putting pressure on her to be included or she is having a genuine wobble. I am not making light of the situation, but i think she should have been aware of this before.

Either way, it's not Anne's issue and I would personally feel that Carol's behavior is so bad, in light of a generous offer, she could be excluded now and just enjoy the holiday the three of you.

I think Anne should just say she is sorry Carol cannot make it and take it from there. It was clear from the start it is an all female group, but more to the point (even if one of the women had a female partner) it is a trip for a group of friends, not friends and their partners.

If the friendship between Anne and Carol is lost, I would say that this is probably the right thing since Carol doesn't appear to value the friendship compared to the value Anne places on it.

Thanks
ChicCroissant · 16/06/2019 12:58

I don't even think the reason for Carol's sudden change of heart are relevant tbh, although with her saying that she won't travel one way on her own (when coming for a few days instead was suggested) that seems to be down to her and not the DH.

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to. If that will cost Anne anything, she should cover it IMO. But no way should her DH go on the holiday or stay nearby. He is not invited.

I am assuming that Carol knew all the details of the holiday before it was booked? If it was a case of Anne saying 'surprise, I've booked us all into a villa for a week' then I'd say Anne was at fault - but that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

Hope the lunch goes well!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/06/2019 13:01

"Very loud"? Oh dear Hmm

Personally I wouldn't favour the idea of them "staying elsewhere" either. If Carol can't stand leaving him in his own home, how would she feel about doing the same in a strange place? Isn't it more likely she'd expect him to come to everything and complain if you all said no?

Better, perhaps, to hope she pulls out, then plan something nice together nearer to home

Blibbyblobby · 16/06/2019 13:06

I agree with the posters who are concerned this is actually coming from a controlling/abusive DH rather than Carol herself. If this is the scenario it's also entirely possible Carol does have anxiety, but only because the DH has done a number on her head and made her believe she doesn't cope without him.

Abusive men are often driven to separate their victims from any other human relationships so a situation like this is great for them - they either get to come along and control her, or she doesn't go and it drives a wedge between her and her friends.

So while she may be a CF, she may also be in a bad place. Whatever happens about this holiday I think OP, Anne and Barbara should make an effort to keep the relationship with Carol.

BIWI · 16/06/2019 13:07

You might like to remind Carol that this holiday is to support Anne, who is also paying for it!

No fucking way would I want anyone's husband to tag along on a girls' trip - even if it's someone I like very much.

MrsExpo · 16/06/2019 13:10

I agree with the other. She either comes alone or doesn't come at all and you possibly find a replacement to make up the four.

(I'm available if you need a stand in ...... Smile)

Isatis · 16/06/2019 13:11

Given that Anne presumably make it clear from the start that this was an all girls' event and Carol agreed to it, she must have started out being fine with being away from her DH and, after all, with four of you to support each other the chances of problems either on the journey or at your destination are minimised. Her sudden change of mind must therefore be down to pressure from her DH or sudden cold feet because the holiday is fairly imminent; could it be that, with the other three of you having been close friends for so long, she feels that she would always be on the outside?

But, whatever the reasons, I agree you should just agree to go without her unless she changes her mind.

Missingstreetlife · 16/06/2019 13:16

Don't keep suggesting compromises. Support Anne to say no.

TremblingFanjo · 16/06/2019 13:18

FamilyOfAliens Grin

Drum2018 · 16/06/2019 13:21

'Dick' seems to be an appropriate name for Carol's Dh!

LimeKiwi · 16/06/2019 13:22

No. Don't cancel!
Not read all the replies but it was booked as a girl holiday. She knew that. Having partners there would totally change the dynamic.
Even if she keeps pushing, tell her "sorry, it's girls only, we'd love you to come but if you don't want to then that's up to you."
Then go without her if she won't give up!

BummyKnocker · 16/06/2019 13:27

She's either

Being manipulated by controlling husband - say no but try to find out what is going on and support?
Pathetic - say no, get a life
A CF - say no and be wary of her taking advantage on the holiday with more CFery.

ConcreteUnderpants · 16/06/2019 13:27

If this happened in real life, wouldn't people just say no, that not happening.
Job done, no saga.
But hey it is a rainy Sunday afternoon...

PreseaCombatir · 16/06/2019 13:27

Maybe he’s told her she’s not allowed to go unless he’s there...
Which is a bit shit for Carol, but still doesn’t mean he’s allowed to come

BedraggledBlitz · 16/06/2019 13:28

The first answer was no. I can't believe she kept coming back with reasons why it would be ok. Stick to your guns.

I know people who won't be away from partners for overnights. Usually due to guilt trips from friendless partners.

Strawberry2017 · 16/06/2019 13:31

She should have just said no to start with instead of booking on and then trying to change the whole trip.
Bringing a partner changes the whole dynamic. Clearly this is an important trip and she's trying to make it all about her.
I'd just tell her she's no longer welcome!

WomanLikeMeLM · 16/06/2019 13:32

Sounds like her husband is trying to force the issue or controlling her in some way.

RedTideBlues · 16/06/2019 13:37

That's a good way of nailing the ensuite.

LimeKiwi · 16/06/2019 13:38

I like the suggestion that Carol and her DH stay elsewhere

No, that's a crap idea! They'll be meeting up for lunches etc, sightseeing right?
What's the DH more likely to do, stay at the hotel (yeah, right) and let them all go off for the day without him or tag along?!
My bet's on the latter scenario.
It's a no partners invited, she should have just said no if she couldn't make it.

MadeForThis · 16/06/2019 13:41

Don't suggest they staying elsewhere. They'll probably expect Anne to pay for that too.

LimeKiwi · 16/06/2019 13:42

Maybe he’s told her she’s not allowed to go unless he’s there...

Hope not, never thought of that Sad
That's still not a reason to try and muscle him in though - she either needs to say "Soz, girls only, you can't come. Dem de rules." Or not go as he won't let her but then that's their relationship problem and the holiday and other guests shouldn't have to suffer.

Spudina · 16/06/2019 13:42

I have been known to have periods of anxiety, and a holiday away would be the kind of thing to spark it. But that's on me, and I wouldn't expect my three friends to have their holiday ruined to accommodate me. Especially when one of them is being generous enough to pay. What Carol is asking is extremely unfair.

GreenTulips · 16/06/2019 13:44

LimeKiwi. Totally agree