Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

^ this!

Wow some people are just unbelievable ie dick ..looking forward to updates

These can be crippling and I personally would find it very hard to go away without my husband

But would you then require that the person who is treating you to a holiday, then accommodate your husband, whom she and the rest of the party has never met? And would you take the "best" bedroom?

Would you require that the host who has issued the invitations change the entire nature and purpose of the trip, in order to accommodate your anxieties?

These can be crippling and I personally would find it very hard to go away without my husband

Agree with Beans; if you’re then invited to go away without your husband you say, “No thank you” politely and make your excuses. You don’t accept an invitation for you and then demand that he comes along.

Agree that anxiety = terrible for the sufferer. However anxiety does not = excuse to spoil other people's holidays/meals out in order have your needs accommodated.

I don’t think the alleged anxiety is actually her husband giving her grief if she does something fun and he is excluded.

Good grief. What a bloody nightmare.
I'm glad it's all sorted though.
You go and have a good time and try not to think about the CF.
Anne sounds lovely. Bless her.

Let them stay on their own and meet for lunch dinner? Absolutely not, the meals are still part of the woman’s only holiday. You cannot talk with such a dick (and a bad “friend” around). That’s even worse than sharing a bathroom!

Just read the whole thread and my flabber is absolutely ghasted! Hope the three of you have a really wonderful time, OP. Anne sounds delightful. Please let us know how it went. X

I don’t think the alleged anxiety is actually her husband giving her grief if she does something fun and he is excluded.
This.
And I hope Carol gets strength from it to put him in his place if this is the case.
But then again saying that they’d ‘just take the en suite’ puts this at odds.......
oh well, let us know what happens on the day OP!

Can you change the name on Carols flight ticket? I'd be tempted to message Carol and Dick saying you're looking forward to the holiday and meet you at the airport lounge for flight XXXX. Then email the flight company and change her name to Hugh Arse or Isaac Dicks or something equally as mature.

I bet Carol and Dock has already planned out their days on the holiday, Carol will hang around with her friends while Dick spends his days playing golf. They will insist on staying with you otherwise Carol will be on her own all day.

I’m interested to see what actually happens!

Has the original villa been rebooked by someone else? Wondering if Carol & Dick are going to turn up expecting the en suite at a complete stranger's holiday!

With each update I'm more and more shocked by the CFery!

Like others I'm delighted you are staying in a different villa as I think the two of them would have turned up!

The update with Dick boasting about the "free holiday" has completely vindicated the 3 of of you from feeling guilty about Carol's anxieties.

I really don't think they'll follow you or turn up at the other villa, and I doubt Dick has even booked a flight at all.

I also think that when you're actually there, relaxing on the terrace with a vino, and having fun, Carol and Dick will be far from your minds. 🍷

Oldbutstillgotit

Of course he can't come!

If she can't be without him she will have to stay at home and the rest of you go without her.
Just stay calm, support Anne and keep to the decision.

No discussion, either she comes without him or stays at home. No need to fall out. She seems to have a problem - but it's her problem. As far as the holiday is concerned that stays as it was arranged - all female.

@Ellyess
Read the thread.

If Carol is pushing so hard I wonder if her husband is nagging her to let him come on this hol because he's a controlling b*gger who wants to keep an eye on her.

No!No!No!

I hope you’ve told carol about her husbands boastful comments. How she has the brass neck to say she can’t possibly be without this CF for a week is beyond me!

Sorry can't add any wisdom - wish I could. I'm just so sorry that a lovely person like Anne who has been through a bad time and now wants to thank her friends in such a lovely way for their support has encountered such a wicked, greedy, hateful sod as this vile lump of shit Dick. It is so unfair to all of you.

I strongly suspect that Carol is saddled with a controlling and coercive man. I know we can't tell. She will deny it when you ask to her face. As we know, people in that situation think that the relationship is normal and that their husband is special because he says he is. His boasting about having a "free holiday" is the big give-away for me. Who, when their wife is given the chance to go away, paid for by a friend, immediately decides he is going to go as well and to go for free? That is entirely abnormal. As has been said, if a person suffers Anxiety Disorder and agrees to a holiday in the excitement of the moment then realises it was a mistake, they come back with apologies, thanks and withdraw from the holiday. They don't completely change the nature of the holiday and add to the donor's bill!! No! It's him! He's the arse-hole. Carole just doesn't know what her rights are or what to expect in a healthy relationship. You could google "signs of coercion and control" (1) and "what to expect in a healthy relationship", (2) print out the best lists and "happen" to be talking about it one day while she's there.

I would work on having a good holiday, actually positively decide before you go you're not going to let this spoil it or let it intrude into the holiday. No matter how much you feel anxious about the CF, try to play it down for Anne's sake. If when you get there, you happen to see them, just turn away and ignore them.

I do hope you have a wonderful time! It sounds as if you really deserve it - you have all been such good friends to each other. And Carole? Well, she might need you one day so I'd like to ask you to hang around and be there for her, she might need good friends if she realises one day he is a controlling and coercive freak.
(1)
www.learning-mind.com/coercive-control-manipulation/
(2)
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/constructive-wallowing/201602/8-things-you-have-the-right-expect-your-relationship
www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/

I reckon Carol and Dick will turn up at the "original" villa.

This will be occupied by completely confused people.

Carol and Dick will claim they also booked it and there has been a terrible misunderstanding so they will all have to stay there and sort it out afterwards - it's the only reasonable thing.

Oh, and Carol has a medical issue which means she and Dick must have the ensuite bedroom

Mumsnet Fan Fiction.

Soola {blush] sorry! I thought I'd got to dash out and was just taken aback! But things changed so I hope I'm up to date now!

Sooola. I can't even do that properly! 😞

I wouldn't want to prologue this drama on holiday, no changing flights, no hiding in the supermarket, taxi trips down small alleys!
Tell the poor woman that you have downsized, there is no room for either of them, You hope they have a nice time, & see her when you get back. Then try & forget the pair of them

Let's just hope that this saga has a good epilogue.