Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

Carol NEEDS to have time away from DH - how sad to have that level of dependency!
and Anne needs to relax with girls. If Anne doesn’t want to tackle Anne then you could just tell her it’s a firm NO, and to stop
pressurising Anne.
If she can’t do it without him then just go alone - having him nearby won’t help - she’ll say “oh but he can’t eat alone - he must eat with us “ etc etc.
Just go without her.

I hope the three of you have a fabulous time.

You don't have to tell Carol you've booked another villa. It shouldn't come up in discussion because you won't be seeing her anyway. It's completely none of her business.

But they will see them. First they'll be hiding round the airport, she'll be on their flight over and flight back and they'll see her at the airport at the destination and when they get into their taxi. It's just storing up problems.

In the OP's position I'd send Carol a message since she's really not worth keeping as a friend: Wow, all that bollocks about being 'anxious' about leaving Dick when all along he was boasting about a free holiday in Spain. Got us all worried when you were just ripping the piss and really taking advantage of Anne. Now that we've got the measure of you, not at all surprised you're probably not doing FA about finding a place to stay, assuming Dick can just bully his way into a villa because that seems to be what he's about. Well, you can get knotted with that. There's no more villa anymore. You find your own place to stay or sling your hook. Don't so much as fancy exchanging a word with you and Dick, either, so have a shit holiday after trying to wreck this one. Bye.

I'm actually really angry now on Anne's behalf that she's done something really lovely and it's causing her nothing but strife!

If it were me, I'd get the other friend on board and confront Carol together in person saying that she's behaved really badly here and she needs to back right off from the holiday including the flight.

It's inevitable that they're going to pull a stunt in the airport. And I think Anne deserves better and deserves not to be put through this.

@tuxedocatsintophats
Spot on. Carol and Dick need to be pulled up on this.

OP please promise us you'll update!

I personally based on dick’s boasting would cancel Carols flight .

However Anne must be really hurt that she thought Carole was her friend.

I wouldn’t tell them about the change of villa as it is now nothing to do with them .

I also though would ensure no mutual contacts are aware of the change.

Well done OP.
Have a great holiday with your friends - and well done for tackling it all in good time. And if there's a little 'awkwardness' at the airport - so what. I'll bet at 60 you've all had plenty of life's twists and turns (as MNHQ are so fond of saying) to put this into perspective.
Enjoy your holiday

However entertaining it might be to leave them in the lurch it doesn't sound like Anne's style.

She'd be better posting a message along the lines of
"Hi All, I'm closing this group chat now due to changes in our original plans. See new group chat for details of where we will now be staying."

Carol won't be in the new group chat, obvs.

The suggestion of carol and husband staying nearby is also useless. It's a girls villa holiday. So him even coming for the day ruins the group dynamic.

You sound like a really nice group of friends (minus carol) and I hope you have a lovely and stress free holiday.

Carol may have supported Anne previously but she's shown her true colours now. Not sure there will be any coming back from such shitty behaviour from her and her dreadful husband.

I do think Anne should cancel Carol's flight and let her know asap.

I don't know how a friendship can recover from this anyway.

I think this is all Dick’s idea (Tom & Harry never really liked him!)
I’m assuming you are all in the glorious over 60s, so could it be suggested to Carol that she start to prepare for when Dick finally putts his last shot at the 18th hole...... I mean how on earth will she cope?? A real golfing widow! If she doesn’t taste independence now, she will be left with just an old set of clubs for company.
In the meantime, have a great time the 3 of you!

I think somebody does need to tell Carol that the villa has been changed (obviously not the details of the new villa) and soon, not a couple of days before.

She said that she and Dick will "see" about getting new accommodation, and Anne has told her that Dick cannot stay in your villa.

I think that for the avoidance on any CF-doubt, she should now let Carol know that she's arranged to switch to a much smaller villa, that she hopes Carol and Dick have sorted out their own accommodation, and that the two of them will enjoy their holiday together. In all, to emphasise that the two of them are not holidaying with the three of you.

If you leave any doubt in their minds, they'll follow you from the airport.

Entitled twats like this always think they're the victims. 'Don't see the problem' 'Why can't he come' 'He's already booked his flight' 'He'll be no bother . . . if we get the ensuite', pushing and pushing because the world revolves round them and those who don't are the CFers, not them. People like Dick get away with it because people are afraid of his bullying or too polite. Because of their attitude they'll have no trouble pulling a stunt in the airport because they feel they're entitled to a freebie. Or even worse, arrive at the villa and someone else is there and they cause trouble. Some people could be really intimidated by that (or they'd be people like me who'd tell them to fuck off and call the police).

There is seriously no negative to pulling them up on it because they're not and never will be good friend material long-term and when no one does call them out, they continue to do it.

I can't believe her husband even wants to come! Very weird.

First off Anne sounds amazing.
I totally get why she wants to give her the flight but for all the reasons mentioned by other posters I would cancel it.

Them being on the same flight, same airport, possibly snagging your taxi and finding your new villa, being on alert in case they are at the same restaurants/cafes/places as you turns this lovely break into a stress fest.

I don't trust dick to not pull another dick move. They see Anne as a cash cow giving them free shit. No way is he going to give up his free holiday any time soon.

How likely is everyone to relax if they're in tenterhooks in case they bump into dick?!

Have an awesome holiday
(And if you don't cancel the flight at least get the taxi person to hold up a card with an alias or secret code so dickwad can't guess)

Carol is a pathetic twat and Dick is a controlling cunt - I would let them have their cosy holiday on their own CFs

What you could do, in the spirit of cheering your friend up, is get a posh car from the airport?

That would come with a nice man in uniform, that might be a deterrent to unpleasantness at the airport.

Epic updates OP. And LOL at the poster who thought them not having accommodation is 'dangerous'. It's Spain 😂😂😂

Wow OP what day do you arrive in Spain? I so need to know if you get a disgruntled call from Carol or Dick that you aren't in the villa!

I think this is all Dick's idea

Possibly, but Carol did accuse OP and co of bullying her. She sounds a bit entitled too.

I think an email to clarify is a good idea. Include that the holiday is a girls only trip and 3 of the group are not happy for this fundemental part of the trip to change so Dick is not welcome to join in any of the trip. As Dick has already booked a flight and you have said you will want to be with Dick due to being anxious you are expecting Dick and yourself to have a separate holiday. You are happy to fund Carols flight as a thank you for support gesture. Due to less people being in the villa you have changed the villa to one a more appropriate size and other that waving to each other at the airport don't expect to have any contact with you during the break. If you want to keep the door open suggest a brunch back in the UK once your back.

Braver than me ... wouldn’t touch an all female holiday with a barge pole as there always will be fractions and tension in part of the group ....
the amount of times I have heard this too ... if In doubt leave it out 👍

I agree with what a PP said, don't tell Carol that you have changed villa, just tell her the villa has been cancelled. Force her into booking her own accommodation.