Friend wants her DH to come on all female holiday.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

A few months ago a good friend , Anne, invited me and 2 other friends Barbara and Carol on holiday (These are not real names but I thought it would be easier than ABC etc) .
The background is that Anne has had a terrible few years and has needed a lot of support which we have willingly given. Thankfully she is now much better so decided that she wanted to treat us . She insisted that she was paying for a villa in the sun for a week plus flights . Very generous and we all said it wasn’t necessary but Anne really wanted to do this.
Further information, to avoid drip feed, is that Anne, Barbara and I have known each other for other 30 years since our DC were in Primary School. Anne knows Carol through a couple of interests but Barbara and I have met Carol several times and she has always been pleasant and fun.
Anyway, the villa and flights were booked and everything was fine. Until yesterday. I switched on my phone to a flurry of messages on our WhatsApp group, starting with Carol asking if it is ok if her DH comes on holiday ! Anne replied saying “ very funny, of course not”.
There are then loads of exchanges which are basically Carol saying that she has never been away from her DH for a week , the thought is making her anxious , he would be “ no bother” etc etc . To everything Anne has said no but Carol kept pushing. She even said that if they had the bedroom with the ensuite we would hardly see him !
I contacted Anne to see if she was ok . She was quite upset .
Yesterday afternoon, Anne , Barbara and I met for a coffee to discuss . Both Barbara and I said the decision was Anne’s but neither of us was happy at the prospect of a DH being there as it would totally change the dynamic.
The 4 of us are meeting for lunch later . Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists .
Anyone any suggestions ?

I would message the group myself. 'Carol and Dick, you need to find other accommodation, not just 'will look. What you did is totally not on and we need to draw a line under this. Dick isn't invited. It's a women's only holiday and will remain this,' and stick up for Ann here because she is in a weak position because people like Carol and Dick have rhino hides and they will come back with 'we tried to find another place but couldn't'.

I bet that Carol and Dick will claim that they cannot find any alternative (free) accommodation and will turn up at the villa and try and nab the ensuite for themselves.

Carol "saying that she still doesn’t understand the problem" makes it sound more and more that she is a CF - she is not apologetic or embarrassed at all that she is shafting Anne's plans for a girls holiday - more smug that she has managed to snag a free holiday for herself and DH and someone else's expense.

Is it possible for any of the other DH's who know Dick via the golf club to ask why he is gatecrashing a girls' week away?

I think that you need to make it very clear that her DH is not welcome at the Villa at all - what part of girls' holiday doesn't he get?

I despair! Turn your phones off as soon as you land so that they can't find your villa and can't encroach on your time. I can see it now - Carol and dick arriving over to the villa to use the loungers because there's more space than their cheap hotel; Carol and dick joining you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, cocktails; Carol and dick tagging along on a girls shopping trip. Carol needs to read this thread to have her fucking eyes opened.

^ this

That is so unfair on Anne. Any chance Anne could look for a smaller villa in a different resort? But don't say where you've changed it to, that way the 3 of you aren't constantly looking over your shoulder for them.

OP, do you think it is possible that Carol and Dick will show up at the airport without having booked any accommodation and insisting or begging to stay at the villa?

And bullshit she 'doesn't understand the problem'. You message the group and get Barbara to do so, too. 'Dick isn't invited. This is the problem. He is not invited. It's a women's holiday. The rest of us want it to be a women's only holiday so you will need to find other accommodation. Dick is not welcome.'

And really be blunt because these people have necks like giraffes.

If I were Ann and used an agent I'd contact them to change the villa for a smaller one and not even tell Carol and Dick.

Quite unbelievable. How long until the holiday? Hopefully Dick will see sense in the mean time.

Cancel the flight is now the new cancel the cheque.

I’d cancel her flight. She’s no friend.

You probably still feel uneasy as it's been so stressful and not really sorted until you know Carol and Dick have new accomodation sorted.

I agree it's probably more likely Dick just thought they could get cheap holiday out of Anne's charity (and I bet he'd assumed "the girls" would do the cooking/shopping/cleaning, they could join in or go off doing their own thing depending on how fun your ideas seemed).

Try to relax, don't make it more dramatic than it needs to be. You've been clear to Carol and her DH, you now need to not give it any more headspace.

And if Carol does have the address and it CAN'T be changed then lie. Tell her and dick it's been downsized to a smaller one without a pool on the other side of the island

Is Carol hard of understanding?

Perhaps just reply "it's a girls/ladies only get away men not at all wanted or welcome therefore were never invited"

Can Barbara's DH have a word with Dick?
Reading between the lines, he seems a controlling arse who thought he could do what he wanted because he's used to controlling his wife. He may or may not have booked a flight. He may just be pretending to put added pressure on his wife. This could just as easily have been about stopping his wife going as it was about blagging a free holiday.

I'm totally flabbergasted at the CFery on display here!

Has Carol even been given details/location of the villa? She may not have, in which case the three of you can book a private transfer and hotfoot it from the airport, giving them no opportunity to turn up at your villa. If she does have details, maybe Anne can change to a different villa? I think the idea of Carol joining in with some activities and leaving Dick elsewhere just isn't going to happen, so they need to be kept out of the equation altogether.

I find it very difficult to believe that Carole has been lovely and nice and normal all the time and yet suddenly throws this into the mix-claiming to not understand what she’s doing wrong!

Does Anne not really know Carole very well?

The give away that Carol is not in fact being controlled by a bullying husband but is just a common garden variety cheeky fucker is the “en-suite” request.

She’s gone home after the initial convo about the holiday and between them they’ve enthusiastically discussed how they can convert this into a couples holiday on Ann’s dime. Cheeky fuckery at its best.

If Ann doesn’t do something about the vila booking, they will rock up and they’ll still try to wrangle the en-suite. Tight boundaries are essential when dealing with people of this ilk, don’t feel bad about inconveniencing them cos they certainly won’t feel bad about ruining your holiday.

Given your last update OP that they are still coming, I think you all need to realise that he's coming on this holiday whether you want him there or not. There will be an issue with their accommodation, and you will all feel too guilty to say No. And they'll take the best room.

Your friend has been well and truly had here, sadly.

I'm glad that they are looking for alternative accommodation, but be on your guard if they can't find any 'at such a late date' and still try to worm their way into your holiday.

And equally if they do find alternative accommodation then don't be made to feel guilty about spending time with them.

Anne should cancel Carol's flight! Appalling CFery!

From the first post from the OP:-

Anne says she will cancel if Carol persists

What changed her mind, then?

The problem is that no-one (other than Carol) wants him there at all and even if they book alternative accomodation, then unless its full board i wouldnt put it past them to turn up the villa expecting to join in with lunch/evening meals etc, use the private swimming pool etc. He will still be there in some capacity.

I would seriously consider trying to swap to another villa, possibly smaller so theres no way they could stay even if they did find out where you are. You have the perfect excuse, Carol is supposed to be staying with her dh now so a bigger villa wasn't needed.

Carol has responded on WhatsApp saying that she still doesn’t understand the problem however she and Dick will look for other accommodation

"Look for", I notice, rather than "get" ... hmmm

As a matter of interest, does she have previous for this kind of behaviour?